AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

Also a nurse and I agree. Its the faeces on the floor and unusable bath that are the clincher.
My own house is small with 10 large hairy pets- im aware that it smells and is full of animal hair. Its hard to keep on top of. I dont care much what people think but the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms are spotless and I do put rubbish out daily. I love my pets and that the price I pay for sharing a house with them.
I do however, think theres a vast difference between thst and what you're describing. So in answer to your question Id probably not go. If you want to go in the interests of being friendly, Id probably say nothing.

I always feel a tiny bit unsure about these threads, mostly because I think the descriptions can be quite subjective.

This is maybe because of my MIL, who, despite having many great qualities, is inclined to be part of the "cleanliness is next to godliness" crew and conflates tidiness with moral worth. When she tells me someone's home is chaotic, I always partly wonder if it is just coffee mugs on the sideboard with their handles not all turned in the same direction or similar. On one occasion, she told me a recently bereaved person was "clearly struggling" because she visited and the garden was "completely overgrown with weeds." I was expecting a kind of Sleeping Beauty castle with brambles across the path to hack through, but it turned out there were - here and there, if you really looked - a few that had, admittedly, got to about knee height, but let's face it, weeds can do that in a couple of days. It was a large, cottage-style garden and would have required constant maintenance to not have a few weeds popping up. It is the sort of thing she would set her alarm early to address, but not everyone feels that way.

Similarly, I do wonder if the pantry full of cat poo is actually not just a litter tray with a recent deposit in it - which would stink to high heaven; I can't stand litter trays because the stuff in it seems to merge with the poo smell. But that's how some cat owners have to manage their cat's toileting, and there will be times when the tray has a poo in it. I admit the pantry seems an odd location for it, but if she isn't using it for food, perhaps the door works well.

And toilets get skid marks. I just struggle to envisage how poo would really get smeared all over a seat to stain it. Maybe grazing the inner lip of the seat if someone sat right back, but all over the seat sounds like hyperbole quite honestly. I mean how and why?

As for the "piles of rubbish" was it really "trash" or just piles of paperwork, clothes that needed sorting etc ?

That’s shocking!

Why on earth are you going back? I'd be giving the invite a swerve or invite your friend to your home instead. I'd mention the mess to other friend if you do decide to go but do it in a discreet manner saying something along the lines of 'prepare yourself, she doesn't live like we do' Don't go into it let her make her own mind up when she's there.

Is that a thing? I would like to refer myself, maybe they'll send me a cleaner 🤣🤣

Yes it genuinely is a thing. But it’s usually because there’s something wrong with a person psychologically or socially for things to get this extreme.

1936 Public Health Act where properties have become 'filthy and verminous'. EHOs have powers to ensure they are cleaned and can carry out the work in default. Often involves other Agency involvement if vulnerable people or children. Police did refer some to us but mostly came from housing agencies or social services.
When I worked as EHO in Leeds we got on average 1 a week in the city. Times that across the country and it's not an uncommon situation.

Why are you going back?

And 'filthy' has a legal definition that there has to be extensive faeces in the property. Human or animal. Not dirty or unclean or messy or untidy. The standard for official intervention in how someone lives is high, as it should be. Obviously, where there are children there are other considerations around welfare. But an adult living on their own not affecting other properties or people there are strong legal protections for them against any official intervention on how they live.

Can you not recommended a cleaner? My house has never been so clean after I employed two local ladies through Bark. I'm disabled and nearly died last year so it had only been surface cleaned by my DC and DH. I paid £320 for a 5 bed house(£20 per hour). Could she afford that? I can't do it and when I'm depressed I'm even less inclined. Tough love if you like her. Say 'Susie get this sorted'. It's hugely lightened my mood.

Are you in a position to help her clean? My guess is that she is totally overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start.
It could be due in part to a mental illness. I have adhd and I know it's hard for me to get started when cleaning, I do much better when I have a friend over and we do it together. Otherwise I tend to get distracted easily. I'm also one of those that finds it easier to help someone else clean, I think it could be because I don't have any attachment to my friends items. :-)

Yes I completely agree with you. I do think reporting is best for the animals and the friends sake as well. I also do understand pets get unwell and have accidents but that must be cleaned and addressed immediately and not left.

Makes you wonder how she is clean and non smelly if bathroom is in such a state

Well if she needs help - help her. Don’t write on a forum telling random strangers her house is dirty??

Sometimes in life we need help making a decision. It’s anon so she’s not naming and shaming.

@Chocolattcoffeecup

What I think the OP means is that what she was describing in her post was the first time she visited the house - but that visit took place some time ago. She was posting about her first visit, not saying that that visit took place recently.

And she has noted that she's been back a few times since, but only briefly.

Quite simply - live and let live. It’s her choice to live like that, and it’s your choice on whether to go round there or not. Have a little tact, just suggest to meet somewhere else. She may get the gist, come to her own conclusions and question you, she may not. As for your friend - none of your business. If the friend says ‘why didn’t you tell me’ you just say it’s not your place to warn people.

I can’t understand why you are going back . It sounds at the really extreme end of dirty , I feel sorry for the pets tbh .

So, how did it go OP? Are you going to tell us what happened?

I had a friend like that and she too worked in a role that involved caring/safeguarding. Walking into her house was like walking into a tip - pet hair and faeces all around, piles of dirty washing and rubbish all over the kitchen etc.

I’d known her for years and she’d bought several different houses all under the pretence of ‘doing them up’. As soon ans she moved in, she’d immediately demolish internal walls, rip out cupboards etc even though she didn’t have the money to fix what she’d just torn out/pulled up. She’d always apologise for ‘the building site’ but after seeing her do this to three houses, I then twigged she wasn’t ’doing them up’ at all, she was destroying them for reasons no one really understood.

I once tried to gently approach it with her - offered to pull together a working party of friends to help her - she was so offended! She was ‘doing DIY, dontyaknow’. It eventually contributed to her marriage break up and after I spoke to her, she gradually phased me out. If she walked into a client’s house (through work) which looked like that, I’m sure she would have been horrified but she couldn’t see it in her own.

Last I heard she’d sold the third house to a developer and made a £40k loss as it was in such bad shape. It’s maybe some kind of hoarding disorder? People feel ‘safer’ if they’re surrounded by stuff, even if the stuff is dirt and filth.