AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

RSPCA don't always help suffering animals.

I’m going back because I like her and don’t want her to think I’m ditching her because of her house. I’ve actually been a few times now, it never gets any better (well, one thing has got worse but unnecessary to get into it now, you get the picture)

Why did you make it sound like it was the first time you'd seen it?

No. That's the very last resort. I was reported by neighbours - nothing to do with my house, it was part of a harassment campaign against me. They reported me all over the place. When I got the call I was completely devastated. If she's reported it could have repercussions - if I were in this situation I would have a conversation about the house and offer to help clean if need be. I wouldn't take someone else into that mess and then make an anon report to social services

You don’t have to ditch her! But if she’s a true friend surely you can be honest with her. It’s being cruel to be kind, say I noticed your house has a few problems with the bath toilet and animal food. Do you want any help getting those fixed or getting some space cleared? My in laws had the fire brigade out once who bollocked them for hoarding so you could always go down that route and frame it as a fire hazard

Well I'd say you're not much of a friend to turn a blind eye to the squalor that she lives in.

Her health MUST be at risk with all the pet shit everywhere.

Don't you care about her and her pets welfare at all?

My sister lives like this but also has multiple kids. We literally couldn't be more different and we were brought up in the same (very clean) home!

I avoid going over at all costs but sometimes I can't get out of it. She is not mentally unwell, just an extremely lazy slob who married another lazy slob and are now bringing up a brood of equally lazy kids who don't care about the disgusting conditions they live in. If I were the friend visiting, I would want a heads up.

Sounds like she’s got a mental health problem

Why not invite her to yours instead?

If I were in this situation I would offer to help with cleaning - or I would gently suggest that if she has spare cash that she gets a company in to do a deep clean. There are companies who specialise in sorting really dirty houses. What I wouldn't do is take a third party into the house

She knows she is living in filth. She won't be unaware - she's probably at the stage of feeling so overwhelmed with the state of the place she has no idea where to start

I would maybe meet up elsewhere? It sounds like a health hazard .Unfair to let mutual friend visit I think

I would definitely tell the mutual friend, so they what to expect. Could you suggest meeting somewhere else? I wouldn't want to put myself through such torture. If she is a good friend, perhaps you can ask her is she coping ok.

Why are you going there again?

If you really care about this friend could it be worth raising it with her? You don’t want to be judgemental but you’re concerned about the state of her home and her health with it, does she need help? And you think other friend will comment? She surely knows this isn’t a typical house.

You’re worlds apart.
I don’t think I would want to continue a friendship with someone like that, because I know I would be judging them after an experience like that 🤮

Honestly I would never go back.

You like her enough to sit in a house littered with pet and human excrement? 🤯

It's sounds similar to mil house but possibly worse. Dh has told her several times that it needs sorting but she genuinely doesn't seem to see the problem. You could say something op but there's a chance it wont make any difference. We don't go to mil's house since we had kids, she always comes to us. On the plus side we don't need to worry too much about tidying up before she comes! You sound like a good friend op

The house and living conditions sound revolting. Animal faeces everywhere, human excretment in the toilet, filthy carpets etc, there’s no way in hell I’d be having a cup of tea in there let alone visiting again no matter how nice a person the friend was. I hope the other friend says something about the state of the place because someone has to. Surely living in that squalor will be affecting your friends health.

Alcoholics and drug addicts can hold down jobs, being mentally ill is easier for some people to mask than others. Living like this doesn’t scream mentally well person to me. Her home is an actual health hazard, she could easily contract toxoplasmosis or campylobacter. Also high exposure to ammonia is dangerous.

I don't think I could've gone back, it's a real issue of mine, other people's dirt. My old job would on occasion send me into people's homes and nearly all of them I would say no to a cuppa or to use the loo because just so filthy. My own dirt is fine though!

I think you're a better person than me OP, wondering if she has mental health issues or just got to the stage that it's all too much and want to help. I presume she doesn't think anything wrong though because she'd not have invited you in..

Some can't and often addicts have MH issues as well

I wouldn't go

Warn the friend in advance but don't tell her not to say anything.

If she’s a close friend say you can help her with the cleaning. Sometimes life gets us down and we need help. I’d have to help as I couldn’t leave a friend or her pets living like that.