AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

OP why on earth would you visit a second time? Airborne pet shit particles floating in the air. I’d want a gas mask on.

OP O I'm not up to date with the thread but I just want to say you sound like a lovely person. I'm embarrassed by my house and hate having people over, mine is nothing like this bad but in a world when everyone around me lives in showhomes I always feel inadequate. It's lovely to know there are people out there that are able to look past that and wouldn't drop me as a friend because of it. Thank you 😊

Why in earth are you going for a re-visit?

I dont think its OPs place to offer to clean. I would warn mutual friend and then let nature take its course.

Why are you even taking your other friend there?

I find this a very weird suggestion too.

Most of us are busy enough as it is, it's not my responsibility to clear up my friend's dog's shit. It's her dog, her responsibility and if she cant look after it properly then someone needs to call RSPCA.

The very idea that its on OP to go round and clean her house is ridiculous and also pointless - OP could spend her entire weekend scrubbing this woman's house and unless the friend is willing to maintain it (which she clearly isnt), it will go back to exactly how it was before within two weeks.

What then?- OP becomes this woman's permanent free skivvy/cleaner

Does it smell really badly @SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog ?
If it did I couldn’t return.
I think you should warn your friend but I would also hope she shows her disgust to the homeowner who might then make an effort. The poor animals.

If your visiting friend did say something maybe your filthy untidy friend would think about how she’s living. I can’t believe you haven’t said anything. You’re normalising this by saying nothing. It’s really not normal or ok to live in squalor and invite people round. You say she’s not having mental health issues so is likely just lazy then. But this isn’t fair on her pets or her visitors.

No matter how much I liked someone I couldn’t cope with being in a home like this. I certainly couldn’t drink or eat anything. I would have to say something like, ‘I really enjoy our friendship but I don’t feel uncomfortable in dirty homes. This is really unhealthy for you and your pets. Maybe you need to tidy up and get a cleaning company in for a reset.’ And I’d buy her a Marie Kondo book!

I'd be ringing the RSPCA

I wouldn’t go. It’s as simple as that.

I would be really kind about it, but I would make it clear that’s not how people are supposed to live and say I wouldn’t be visiting due to the mess.

I would report her to the RSPCA and children’s services if she has kids.

What does used to work in the Community actually mean?

First thing I thought of was the poor animals.

Humans can chose to live this way, the animals don’t get a choice.

It is neglect for an animal.

She needs an intervention, real friends wouldn’t let real friends live in that without telling them some home truths. Sorry.

Don’t say a thing if she is anything like you she will bring it up , she is your friend it won’t look nice if you say anything you will end up the bad guy you are not going back let your other friend make her own mind up after she sees it .

I would want to know. I would be disappointed if I wasn’t told in advance as I couldn’t go into a house like that. Sounds disgusting and a heath hazard.

It’s so sad you did this as a post I could never judge a friend like that. That’s not a true friend.

I think you should thank politely for a second invitation. If your friend asks you why, you could talk to her - but not if she doesn't enquire. Same for the other person she intends to invite. But I would not go back there. I admire you for not saying anything at the moment, but I would not be able to keep that up a second time. Mind you, I can stand messy, especially in a house with children. But dirty? Animal excrements everywhere? I wouldn't even accept a glass of water.

I judge anyone living like that 🤷‍♀️

Why even bother going.if the pets are not looked after properly please report.

Sounds as if the friend had a very privileged childhood with servants. The landed gentry in big old inherited homes couldn’t give a toss what the lower orders think.
So whatever OP does will have no impact. Think about the daughter of QE’s equerry who ran off and had several children taken into care and the baby found in a carrier bag on an allotment after a wild car chase.
So accept the friend as she is or not. She will not change

You need to tell this person her house is disgusting.

Oh jeez I just wouldn't go. Sounds diabolical. Arrange to go somewhere else for the catchup.

"posh" people can have serious mental health issues same as everyone else.

So very sad that she has got like this for whatever maybe depressed or just can’t cope. Not everyone is house proud or cares what others think if they rarely have anyone round. Ignore the mess and feel good that she sees you as a friend. Warn your friend to be polite. Maybe she is disabled too with pain preventing cleaning.

She allows you access to her house because you normalised her poor living conditions (and those of her helpless pets) by not making a single remark, the first time you went. Furthermore, you hid your shock and horror. She now trusts you not to comment.
That was a mistake OP, although I do know how difficult it is to speak up when it’s a friend you have always otherwise respected. The shock is such that you are rendered speechless. But at some stage you have to be accountable for the neglect you witnessed, for the squalor forced on your senses, for what you may well have trodden in and for the toxic air you breathed in!

You lied to her in effect….under the cover of being a ‘good friend’. You continue not to be true to your own values, while you don’t say anything.

Your dilemma now is excruciating. You either have to talk about poor friend to other friend which means summoning the courage to use the same words you used here. It won’t be easy to tell her without sounding judgemental and it begs the question…why haven’t you said something to poor friend already, or offered to help her out of her terrible, quite critical it seems to me, situation.

Or you have to let the second friend down by not warning her. And she in turn will be flabbergasted by her conclusion that your silence clearly means that you both accept that it’s normal to live like that.

Either it isn’t any of your business or it is?

You have a conscience about it or you wouldn't be asking for help deciding what to do. That’s a good start. You are making it your business.

Your poor posh friend needs an immediate intervention.
The right thing to do, I think, might be to let her know that you would like to spend the whole day with her at her house to help clean up and shampoo the carpets. You can see that things have got on top of her and would like to help.
Go armed with all the right equipment, a pack of thick rubber gloves, disposable clothing, face masks and a solid plan of how to proceed and what must be achieved. Take a picnic and a thermos with you to eat in the garden or your car.

If she declines your offer, well, at least you tried.

Please report her for animal cruelty. Her pets shouldn’t be living in those conditions.