AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

Definitely don’t do that! I don’t think OP actually knows this person well enough (if the post is real) Also I have helped to clean the house of someone that was not nearly as bad as this woman’s house, and in a few weeks it was back in such a state I may as well have not bothered. I have learnt you can’t force your own standards on other people.

I bet there’s a lovely independent coffee place not far from you?

I would give friend number 2 a heads up. “just to warn you Jane, Mary’s house may not be what you expect”.

that’s not bitching, it’s not saying anything really, but she can go in with her eyes open.

Why are you going back there? Can’t you suggest you meet somewhere local for a catch up rather than going to her house?

Why would a friend invite someone who lives an hour away round for coffee? Surely that’s the only excuse you need never to set foot in there again? It’s a pretty long drive to just pop in so you can suggest meeting halfway for lunch instead.

Yes warn her. But I wouldn’t want to be going again myself

Out of interest does anyone know if a social worker could lose her job over being reported for something like this.
She obviously has executive function issues in her own life but seems to be able to function in her job.
Would her employer class this as a mental health issue and hopefully support her?

You are lowering your standards OP if you go back. If you truly do like her as a friend then do the decent thing and be honest with her. Why would you sacrifice your standards and your health by facilitating and enabling this. You don’t have to go there so why are you? Meet elsewhere!

Good heavens no they wouldn’t lose their job 🙄

If it’s so bad I’m surprised your friend is inviting you both in, any normal person would be too embarrassed. I’d definitely be telling her house has crossed the line from a bit messy to health hazard and suggesting she does something about it, I wouldn’t be offering to help though. And I’d certainly warn other friend, if for nothing else than she can make sure she doesn’t need to use the loo while she’s there.

Anyone with a house that bad clearly has some real issues, I would go with my other friend so she can see it. Then stage an intervention if your other friend agrees.
If you like the messy friend then help her somehow.

I think you need to offer help. She might not be able to see how bad it is but you're not being a good friend by glossing over it. A person I know didn't show up to to work and it turned out she'd had a stroke and the hoarding made it almost impossible to get to her. It turned out she was buying cheap charity clothes instead of washing them and rats had started to live in her house. It literally is a health hazard- help her.

I wouldn’t go back! Why are you going again?

I’d just accept how she is, a bit of dirt never hurt anyone and you say she’s a nice person. Maybe offer to help? It’s probably just got too much for her

Animal faeces which OP says is on the floor has hurt plenty of people (e coli) and poses an environmental health risk. Are you saying you'd be happy getting dog poo on you?

It’s no it a bit of dirt tho it’s wee/poo as well as welfare of animals

No. Of course not.
It has nothing to do with her employer unless it impacts on her job, which it doesn’t.
Some people don’t care or prioritise a clean home, that is their choice.
I have a friend who always looks fabulous, very glam, has a professional role, 1 teenager. Has never used her oven or cleaned her home. Her taps in the bathroom are caked in toothpaste spit, she doesn’t notice or care, she spends her time on herself she’s single. Her outside appearance is more important. In some ways she’s right. I can’t do it because I grew up in a messy house, it caused me a great deal of shame as a child and teenager. You couldn’t find a pair of matching socks. My DC won’t suffer the same. I am my own reasons for being awkward with it.
Edit. My childhood home didn’t have any animals just lots and lots of clutter.

My god, this isn't just a bit of untidiness and in need of a simple clean - animal faeces throughout the house?
I feel sick just reading it, it's not in any way normal.

I wouldn't be going there again and would be warning the mutual friend. I don't see how you can do otherwise - it's a massive health hazard.

I'd contact the RSPCA or some other animal welfare organisation immediately, and get the poor dog and cat out of there FAST.

Whatever reason or excuse for her disgusting mess, she has NO RIGHT forcing those animals into filth and squalor, being forced to ''live'' on a rubbish tip.

And, if the place is so bad, why are you thinking of going back?

I think that what really gets to me about this situation is that the lady with the dirty house seemed to regard it as acceptable. That she could invite people over is beyond belief.

I definitely wouldn't go again. I'm sure that I would vomit if I was in such a pit. I'm not sure whether or not you should say anything to the mutual friend - it depends on your relatiionship.

If you want to continue the friendship, could you all meet in a coffee shop?

So you would be happy walking through a house with excrement all over the floor? You would drink a cup of coffee or eat something that had come out of a filthy kitchen? I would not, and I would not enter the house again.

If she is performing to a reasonable standard at work there's no reason for her to lose her job, or indeed for social services to be involved at all over her living conditions. People have the right to live how they want, unpleasant though it may be to most people.

Social services would only be involved if she was classed as a vulnerable adult, which doesn't appear to be the case.

I had a friend like this years ago, with over 12 cats. The smell was so bad it burnt your nose. I cleaned several rooms as I recognised how easy mental health issues can cause a hard environment to pull yourself out of. It didn't help anything, in fact I would say it emboldened her to invite more people over. There was an emergency meeting of friends because she wanted to cook for us and all of us were worried about becoming ill and the idea of eating in the cat-piss smell was impossible. If she can't see there is an issue and get help I don't think there is much anyone can do without it being a full time job that needs mental support as well as basics of why hygiene is important and what that entailed. Toxoplasmosis is a real danger.

If I were OP, I would warn mutual friend how bad it is & let mutual friend decide how to deal with that. I imagine we're all thinking the unhygienic friend would benefit from some straight talking about how bad the house is.