AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

If you like her, do not gossip about her house with the other friend. Let them make their own mind up when they go. That being said, I can't understand why you've gone back since, and are going back again. I'd never go back there ever again and make sure we met in cafes or invited her to my house in future. She must have issues, or grown up in a very strange home, even if you don't know about that as you've only known her a few months, which isn't that long in the grand scheme of things really. If the other friend said something that's up to her. If she asks you afterward why you didn't warn her, I'd say you didn't want to be a gossip/busybody/two faced, how people live is up to them.

The House sounds minging

yanbu, OP

I was thinking the same. There must be some mental health issues going on.

Never mind about your new friend, it sounds like your old friend needs help. That sounds like hoarding/ depression. Are you close enough to intervene or is there family or another friend that she would accept some concern from?

Just awful for the animals I'm afraid as cats especially will not use a dirty tray. Your friend has a choice to live like that , the animals don't. Some people do not have housework as a priority and that's fine but that sounds like absolute squalor

I am not sure Safeguarding would take a report seriously, or see this as a risk to her or anyone, if she is maintaining a job and her own personal care, and not putting neighbours at risk.

And if she is allowing safety checks and maintenance to be carried out, if she's in social housing.

Neighbours may report to Environmental health if they see rats as being attracted to garden rubbish. Or her hoarding as a fire hazard.

Or RSPCA may kick up a fuss, but if animals are basically cared for and fed, it would be more cruel to them and your friend to separate them surely?
Offer to help put rubbish out, if anything

I wouldn't go back!

This. You could not pay me to go back. So yabu to even expose the 3rd friend to such a vile unhygienic place. Dog doesn't sound too safe either.

Did you actually drink the coffee or make an excuse?

Follow it up, but not have legal right or capacity to do anything unless it was a safeguarding. This has been explained.

Social housing officer concerns and adhering to tenancy responsibility is a different matter because housing associations need to protect their assets (property) and adhere to safety checks completed, to stay within the law.
So if hoarding means they can't access gas boilers to service them, then they can demand change,improvement and serve eviction notices to put Tenancy support workers in, or fund clearance, skips etc to assist with decluttering

This is a really awful position to be in and I’ve been there. We just don’t look after adults without dependents as we should. You’re in a really rough place because there’s very little you can do. I chose to confront in a gentle way. My thought was i can’t continue the friendship thinking about this person as I am so I went over and gently asked how they were, would they like help, I’m worried. It was hard at first but after the anger bit there was a breakdown of what’s gone wrong. We worked bit by bit to tidy. No dramatic changes in one go. If you can’t give that (& that’s ok) then close the friendship down. I would say, adult safeguarding teams can help however, depending on your area - they can offer support. The issue is consent - if she is well and just “choosing” to live this way there’s nothing anyone can offer.

Tbh...when it comes to animals ,some peoples brains just disappear. I mean kissing dogs / cats when 5 mins before said animals have probably just been licking their backsides ...yuck ! Perfectly posh and ' respectable' people do it ...god knows why they think cat and dog poo germs won't affect them. Just on health issues alone OP needs to have a word with this friend and tell them how much danger they are putting themselves and their visitors in having animal faeces all over the house...eeeuuuwww !!

I would just not go visit in her house again.

Blame allergies to "something in the house".

What an excellent idea!

I got my two rescue cats from a woman who had 23 cats in her house. 11 were hers and the rest were fosters that were up for adoption. She was a volunteer for a cat rescue society. I was shocked that her house was very clean, there was no fur on the furniture and absolutely no smell. She was God like.

No! I couldn't go back. I can feel my asthma kicking in just thinking about the carpet and I couldn't use a filthy toilet much less eat or drink in her house. Make your excuses and perhaps invite her to your house another time. As for the other person at least warn her about the pets and litter tray situation. She can discover tge rest for herself should she decide to go.

Well if this is real then I would definitely say no we can't come to your house because it's too dirty.

Could be mental health issues underlining the mess. Pretty common. Especially if the person is put together themselves. So maybe go easy on the woman and get to know her better first

Exactly,too many people turn a blind eye.it is not fair

.

When I worked as a housing officer, I visited plenty of homes where there were no pets, the tenants had no recorded mental health issues, but the property was filthy. To put it crudely we always said ' you can put a pig in a palace but it's still a pig'. Some people really don't care, or think it matters, or have had a good example set to them.

Why do I feel like there's key information missing here

You should definitely warn your friend. I would be extremely pissed off if you let me go to a house filled with shit and you didn’t warn me. Quite frankly your friend needs a kick up the arse and if you won’t, then your mutual friend should. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. She’s not just a bit messy. She and her poor pets are living in hazardously disgusting conditions and something should be done about it. You don’t need to end the friendship, but you also don’t need to sit around in a house of shit, sipping coffee from a cup that’s god knows how revolting, to maintain a friendship. I can’t even imagine going back to that house unless it was with rubber gloves and a whole load of bleach.

My ex mother in law was like this, house was awful, bath unusable due to stuff piled high in it, washing up hidden in the cooker and cupboards; each room was literally piled high. Luckily the cats went outside to use the loo but apart from that it sounds very similar. Her car was always full of shopping and clutter but she always looked smart and clean and was a nurse on a hospital ward!! Only difference was that she was very much in denial about it and would never let anyone round her house. I’m guessing your friend not seeing any problems with how she’s living is the biggest indicator that she’s struggling with something mentally.

It is a weekend now as I did not see your post earlier. I guess you went over, but instead I would have rather suggested to meet somewhere else.
This sounds disgusting and I would never go into the house again.
I should rather show this post to my husband who is constantly complaining how our house is dirty (though reading this, I must say my house now sounds spotless). Hope you sorted out best way, but I would rather suggested to meet somewhere else.