AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I wouldn't be going for a second visit.

Let mutual friend go on her own and take it from there. Pretend you've got an appointment or something.

I would warn friend but you can’t dictate whether she says something or not. That’s her choice and it might be good for the person living like that to hear it!

You’re going back!!!!????

This makes me think of that friends episode where Ross goes round his dates house and is shocked that she lives in absolute swallor. Then Monica goes round at the end with her cleaning stuff and asked to clean it as she couldn’t stop thinking about it 🤣🤣🤣

Given what her career sounds like, I would go with her first. Ask if things have got a bit much as you are worried about her. If she has a stressful job she might not want to deal with this stuff at all and burying her head

Decades ago I was part of a baby sitting circle with a wide mix of people from very posh hippies to working class women. It was friendly and people mostly got on well. However some of the houses we would baby sitting in were horrendous. I had never seen such filth , where your feet stuck to the floor, the smell was gross and you were scared to drink from the cups. I had a friend who would go armed with a bottle of bleach to scrub clean the mugs before making coffee and clean the loo before using it.
funnily enough the worst houses almost exclusively belonged to the posh women. It was almost that they believed that cleaning was beneath them I became o focus of much hilarity one day when a group came to my house for coffee. They saw me filling the washing machine with a white wash and did not understand the concept of sorting your washing into light coloured and dark. So fed up was I with them I said very bluntly that I didn’t like my children to be wearing grey clothes and looking uncared for whigh they took (rightly) as a personal slight.
i would warn your friend how bad it is and let her decide whether to make her excuses.

I’d love to be a fly on the fucking wall when mate number two walks in!! Honestly I’d be so disgusted I’d say something it’s ok having a messy house but dog & cat crap on the floors; takeaway containers left everywhere including in beds that’s a whole new level of untidy it’s pure fucking lazy bitch fifth 😂😂 good luck please ipdate

I would be quite pissed off if I went to someone’s house and it was a genuine biohazard and the mutual friend hadn’t said anything to me in advance. I would actually be surprised at the pair of them, the dirty friend for living amongst actual shit and the second friend for enabling it/visiting several times/acting like it was all normal! The friend clearly has MH issues because it’s obviously not normal to live like that, let alone let other people see it. But when there are animals involved it would really change the way I see her. If the other friend is very straight talking then be prepared for all the friendships to break down

Isn't the fact she has animals living in that filth enough to make you report this? If the smell is bad for you imagine how bad it is for the cats and dogs. This is complete neglect for these poor animals and shame on you for seeing it first hand and ignoring it.

I don't understand how you think she doesn't smell when you say her car does.
Presumably she sits in it and drives it so she must do .

She won't want to use the bathroom there, so she should be warned to go before you arrive.

I am all for ‘take us as you find us…’ but that means I sometimes have a pile of washing waiting to be ironed and the hob needs cleaning and the skirting boards are dusty (who has time?!)

But that is a health hazard, animal poo especially cat poo is extremely hazardous. Agree with PP your friend needs some help.

Don’t go back to the house.

I've seen a lot of houses in my line of work, and honestly, it is shocking but there are a lot of families that live a bit like this. I too am horrified and I don't know how they could do it. Often the kids' bedrooms are piled high with a great mountain of I guess unwashed clothes on the floor, and everything is a total mess. I cannot even go near the bathrooms. I don't know what it is. In other countries this would be seen as extreme mental health issues. Here it's just being 'relaxed' and 'too busy' and 'what's the point anyhow'. I come from a meticulous working/lower middle class background where everything was kept neat as a pin, so I am just bewildered that people can live like this. Hm might have to start a thread about 'do you take your outdoor shoes off when you come in' ....

Your friend is a bit at the extreme end with the pet waste, but honestly this all doesn't surprise me. I wonder if asking if she'd like help clearning up would help? Probably not!

Sounds absolutely bloody horrendous if I’m honest, I applaud you for managing to stay there for so long! I don’t think I would be able to go back this weekend!
I work as a cleaner and Have become quite good acquaintances with one of my colleagues who invited me round for a cup of tea one afternoon after work - And to be honest to say that we work in cleaning, her house was also revolting, stained sofas, filthy carpets, even the walls were filthy in every single room and she obviously felt embarrassed about it but said oh I need to decorate. I then asked her how long she had lived in the house and she said five years 😳😳 I was a bit surprised, as it’s one of the first things I would do personally.
Her kitchen hob was encrusted with old burnt on food, A couple of the kitchen doors were hanging off and the dishes were just piled high, wouldn’t mind she works two days a bloody week and shares custody of her children. Some people are just dirty, unfortunately, and don’t see cleaning their house as a priority, Or a necessity to theirs and their children’s mental and physical health!
It sounds awful, but I had to check the cups were clean when she turned around for a split second, I was a bit hesitant to even want to remain in the house for longer than necessary, I know I probably don’t sound very nice, but I’ve got a real thing about cleanliness and hygiene!

Immensely tremendously true & it's not what we mention but "how" we mention things💚
I'm sure when things are mentioned in loving meaningful methods, most folks sense when we've got compassionate kind caring intentions💚✨💚

As she is such a nice friend could you help her out?

How? why is it OP's responsibility to clean up her friend's pet shit or skid marked toilet?

This is just so gross expecting your friends to clean your animal poo because you cant be arsed to do it yourself. No, just no. This is way beyond what should be expected of a friend. geez.

This is a severe mental health issue. She needs help.

I haven't read all the numerous comments, but enough to see they're across the board. Having been a home organizer/packer for 12 yrs incl some hoarding situations...this is beyond unkempt or needing a clean. Its unhealthy and no person or animal should live in these conditions, whether their own doing or innocent family members. It does point to underlying mental health components, not just laziness. Lazy is a sink piled w the week's dirties, a scuzzy tub or whatnot. As this is a good friend, I would have a heart to heart with her expressing your concerns and suggest not opening her "home" to anyone else before the mess is resolved. Empathetically explain how truly unhealthy it is, and whether she unfortunately doesnt care abt her own well being she surely does her animals. Then address WHY she hhinks it is ok for herself to live this way...not judgementally but out of true concern. Suggest hiring a cleaning crew specializing in hoarding and that she seek mental health services. That, if not, out of concern for the animals and her own well being you will be compelled to report it.

I've always said if someone visits they come to see me, not to inspect my home, but there are limits. I honestly think I'd give other friend a bit of a hint and say it's not what I expected but I don't want to say too much, you will judge for yourself. Maybe call somewhere to go to the toilet when you are almost there but if your friend you are going with is very outspoken I'd dread going anyway.
I once needed the toilet at someone's house i was at, and almost died the pan was black, her young daughter ran and flushed it before I went in, rest of house was reasonably clean, I never went to her toilet again. Maybe put a small bottle of bleach in your handbag and tip some down the toilet to give a hint? It could be mental health, but also could be she just dosnt care or can't see anything wrong with the way she lives, maybe offer to wash up so you know you have a clean cup.

But what about the animals? RSPCA would be the agency I’d be calling. It’s blatant cruelty and neglect.

OP, you say you "thought she was posh". As though posh equates to household cleanliness. It really doesn't. In fact, an immaculate home is a bit Hyacinth Bucket. The really posh people often live in squalor.

She needs help. Is that not a friend who’s concerned about her?

I’d be surprised if MH services would get involved, the threshold is just so high these days.