26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Don't contact him again. I know you can't understand his behaviour. But the relationship is over and you have to accept it. Block him on all platforms. Any further communication with him should be through a solicitor.

You have to move forward and concentrate on your baby. And you need to feel in control. He doesn't get to write the narrative going forward, you do. Get the DNA test done and then you can get child maintenance payments set up.

His reasons for being an utter bastard are irrelevant. He has proven himself to be unworthy of you and your child.

Onwards and upwards. You can do this. 💐

He's the father of her child and they lived together for a year and then he locked her out of the house they had been living in without warning

You don't need to tell me what stalking is by the way. I was gang stalked every day for 15 months. Death threats. Stuff sent to my home. My address tweeted. Threats to kill me. And police said that didn't cross the criminal threshold

I would block someone who was constantly texting me

I'm so sorry OP. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you will learn to do it alone. You do not deserve this cruel and callous treatment.

Op he has done this because he is a cunt and can obviously afford to waste money on a solicitor. Op any decent man would have took your call told you himself that he wanted nothing to do with you but he was shit scared because he’s not a real man. A real man would not treat a woman carrying his child like shit on his shoes. I really hope you can move on and enjoy your child without any interfering from this twat honestly it will be a nightmare if he’s involved with this child.

Pressure tactic? Wanting to know if the father of your child is going to be involved in it's life? Presumably she also has belongings at his house too that she couldn't collect as he changed the locks

The victim blaming on here is out of hand. Maybe see how you feel if you get pregnant to someone who refuses to talk to you after and then rows start and then he just changes the locks on you -after you going away for two days to get a bit of peace see how you would cope before judging how someone who is clearly in a state of anxiety and stress

He doesn't want to be a father. He should maybe have thought about that before he got someone pregnant

This. 100 per cent this

BTW it makes zero difference if he/ his name is on birth certificate or not. All that matters if he has/ hasn't parental responsibility.
If his name is on the birth cert that automatically gives him parental responsibility, so it does indeed matter whether his name is there or not.

Or she can have a DNA test, prove he is a father, make him pay - but also will have to deal with him being able to stop her from travelling
Getting child maintenance from him does not give him parental responsibility even if there is a DNA test involved, but he can pursue it through the courts if he wishes.

She can but she shouldn’t. You can use any last name you like. She just can’t put him on the certificate.

Had he gone to the police, he would have been asked in no uncertain terms if he had sent a very clear message to his pregnant partner stating never to contact him again. He hadn't done that, so there wouldn't have been any further action and everyone would know what a cunt he is

And that sounds awful too but it’s not the only way in which someone can be stalked or harassed. Whether it’s daily deliveries of flowers, polite messages, sinister messages or outright threats if it’s unwanted, unrelenting and causes the recipient distress, it meets the threshold for the courts to get involved.

It’s worth noting that whilst people can be prosecuted by the police for harassment, that’s not the only remedy. Individuals can also apply to a District Judge for a non molestation order. If that were granted, the subject of the order would not have committed a criminal offence until the order was breached. That seems to be the route the ex is pursuing here. It’s not uncommon for the police to be slow to get involved initially which is why people are advised to go the civil law route.

OP said the texts tailed off after a month.

But honestly, if I’d abandoned my pregnant girlfriend I’d be entirely not freaked out by her contacting me regularly, I’d totally understand and I’d step up and answer her, tell her ‘I’m not interested in you or our child and I don’t want to hear from you anymore’. Or I’d block her.

His behaviour is bizarre, she’s pregnant and desperate for answers. He has no leg to stand on. What on earth do you think she’s trying to ‘pressure’ him into? Explaining himself? V reasonable, and entirely not illegal.

You've had some great advice on this thread and I just want to echo some of it.
You ARE stronger than you think, and once baby is here you will become unstoppable. I promise.
Babies don't need much, trust me. You will be absolutely fine.
You and your baby are worth more than this scumbag.
Your baby doesn't need him and you dont need him. All your baby needs is you. Surround yourself with a small number but high quality people. Even if you don't have anyone just yet, embrace the classes etc. I met my best friend in the world when my DD was already one. She is the most incredible friend and I don't think I would have survived the past few years without her friendship.
Stay calm and focus only on what you CAN control. Stay healthy. Stay calm. Get what you can for you and baby.
Worry about the other stuff later, it's not important right now. You're in a strong position of going into this knowing you dont have him weighing you down. And it might not feel like it now but I promise its actually a blessing in disguise. Stay strong, you've got this.
When I found out I was (VERY) unexpectedly pregnant, and I was positively terrified, someone I worked with said "there's always a way. You'll figure it out". And do you know what, so far I have. Don't be afraid and don't dwell on the what ifs. You have an entire future ahead of you with your gorgeous baby and that is ALL that matters.

She sounds quite needy?! Fucking hell! In what circumstances do you think it’s ok to want support from your partner / family if not this ! You sound quite cold. V cold.

The only reason I can think of why he didn’t block OP’s messages is that it suits him now to make her out to be crazy.
It also suits his narrative to question paternity.

Don’t play into his hands anymore OP.
Dignified silence.
Let the next contact be from CMS.

Only if there is evidence to say he is the father. If she denies a dna test then the court cannot compel her or force the child to have it done. Him claiming he’s the father isn’t enough for him to be added to the BC. She cannot add him without him being present at the child’s registration unless they are married when the child is born, and that seems highly unlikely, don’t you think?

The civil law route costs money - not something I could afford. I'm in Scotland and the law is difficult here. No district judges. I don't agree. He's trying to intimidate her. It can also take over a year to get a non mol or a restraining order

Slow? No one should have to go down the civil route when they are getting multiple death threats and photos of their house tweeted - it's a criminal offence. Section 39. Particularly when someone is female and lives alone

This

I guess the silver lining here is that you know who he is once and for all before the baby is born.

You will now be more prepared to be a single parent and plan ahead.

And he can never come back from this.

Give it a few months and he’ll see you doing good and not begging for him back and he’ll try and get you back - have fun telling him to go fuck himself.

Heartbreak is so awful OP…can you remind yourself it’s a kind of chemical detox to experience..you will feeling longing and weird plugged into the electric pain. Remind yourself it’s not real you were lonely and alone WITH him.

My Mum similarly useless and unkind in these circumstances - solidarity 🫂♥️

Every day you get through is distance from him. Talk to friends, talk to strangers ..you will find so many people who’ve experienced hurt like this.

When you feel hysterical with the pain of it come here and talk, go online and talk to the Samaritans. If you can’t sleep do both. Rachel Paris the comedienne did a whole Edinburgh Festival set about speaking to the Samaritans in relationship heartbreak early in her career and now seems super happy with Marcus Brigstocke.

He is a worm ..an utterly low creature..unworthy of you. I read “The Unexpected Joy of Being Single” by Catherine Gray and it was huge comfort, as was sitting amongst people in a cafe or getting a massage and tell the masseur everything …counselling and touch …it turned out so many people had been badly hurt and go through this pain and get to a day when the pain is gone. You will too. You will.

Head high. You are someone’s Mum and deserve all respect 🌅

The courts can order DNA testing.

The mother can still refuse permission I guess but I don’t know how that would work out for her?

I think he's trying to say it's not his. I think that's terrible. Trying to accuse her of cheating

This happened to me, almost 18 years ago. My son has never met his father, I was a lone parent from the day I found out I was pregnant. It’s tough and it really hurts now, but in time you’ll feel nothing for your ex. You can and will get through it - you have no other choice. That might be your mantra for a while and it takes some getting used to, but you will. I’m glad now that my son was all mine - I have to coparent with my other son’s dad, and that has been a never ending nightmare.

My mum split up with my brothers dad because he pressured her into having an abortion she didn't want. He got a pang of guilt around two years later when he was about to be married and said he would call it off. My mum said she couldn't be responsible for that. He married her. Emigrated and we never saw him again until he turned up on my mums doorstep one day when my brother was 14 and when he found out that my mum had told my brother who he was - he never came back. Didn't pay her a penny. Didn't acknowledge my brother ever - his loss

I'm saying this because neither my brothers dad nor my dad stepped up. My dad cut me out of his life when I was three. Paid two pounds a week till I was 16 and had to be forced into it. Remarried and has a son who doesn't know I exist. What I'm trying to say is - you might not think it now but you will get through this.

@StrictlyCoffee I can’t find your post to quote you directly but I’m not sure how you can conclude I’m needy after this reaction to a letter of this nature and after messaging the father of my child when he’s cut me off.

If you knew me in real life you’d likely consider me one of the most independent and least needy person. I’m not coping with a series of mind boggling treatment that has hit me at my most vulnerable