26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

@whatareyouwaitingforr well they have, so….

@Brokennn

OP, when are you next seeing the midwife?

Can you ask for a longer appointment?

https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/

These lovely people will support and help you, OP x

Don't react to people who are just trolling you. They aren't worth it

All this. If he wants to be nasty now then he and his family can chase and jump through hoops in future to see your child if that’s how they feel.

My best friend, her boyfriend buggered off back to Ireland where he was from and wanted no further contact with her or their baby. His younger brother stayed in touch with my friend from Ireland and saw her and the baby in England and thought his brother (the dad) was a waste of space, he (the brother) also gave my friend money and gifts for her daughter. When the girl was a teenager the grandparents wanted to stay in touch and my friend told them to F off.

it was clearly a pressure tactic and this is illegal I’m afraid. Sending 3 texts a day to someone is illegal? I've heard it all now. My husband and children could have me arrested in that case. Behave.

Hope you’re ok OP. You and your child will be better off without the spineless prick.

"When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. The first time."

It may not feel like it right now, but it looks like you've dodged a bullet. This man is not husband or fatherhood material: he has no empathy or respect for you, he won't give you an explanation or closure and he appears to have abandoned his unborn child. And why is he behaving this way? Because he's a selfish, emotionally immature, deeply unpleasant twat. Personally, I wouldn't want any contact with him ever again.

The best thing you can do is to stop torturing yourself with "why" questions and concentrate on the future. Fortunately, you have your own home and you have your job. You are also much stronger than you know and you will get through this.

Under no circumstances would I put his name on the birth certificate. He doesn't deserve to be named. I would also apply for CMS as soon as the baby is born. As for a DNA test, well he can organise that if that's the way he feels.

I'm so sorry OP this is really crap for you, you won't think it now but you'll be so much better off without that spineless tosser in your life, concentrate on being a fabulous mummy to your little baby (which I know you will be) best of luck xxx

It sounds like he was future faking you (the TTC in 2027), and was more likely just running your biological clock down. A lot of men do this, agree to a baby in X years time, then comes another excuse, delay it another year, then another, then the woman turns 45yrs old and it's too late, her chance of a child is gone. Men are cunts.

Or he could have been into the idea of it, but the reality has sent him into a state of shock and anxiety, and being a man, he has the privilege of simply opting out of parenting.

Or he could have met someone else so has freaked out about the pregnancy and cut you off.

Whichever it is, you'll likely never know now and every option still makes him a cunt.

I don't think you need to pay for a DNA test prior to the CMS claim, I think once you claim CMS, he disputes being the father, then it has to be done as part of that, not sure if you have to pay for that, or if he does?

Hope you get loads from him off CMS.

I know it's hard to see it now, but you and your precious baby will be better off without him, because remember - he's a cunt.

I’m shocked that your mother could be so cruel to you and at a time you are in total need . Don’t contact him again , he’s cruel too and is totally stonewalling you to punish you . You will need to find a way to settle and smooth yourself in these difficult times . Block anyone out of your life who is cruel to you . Try n find out if there is any support out there . You’ve got to believe in yourself . Your baby needs a strong independent mother who they will admire and look up to . You can do it , this is probably the most emotionally hardest time of your life atm so you need to find strength . Bless you .

Solicitors will send letters stating anything you bloody well like as long as you give them 500 quid the truth doesn’t come into it
Dont listen to these silly people being mean to you
Probably going against the grain here, but I would change your number. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate and I wouldn’t bother with the 50 quid a month. You’ll get out of the CMS if you’re lucky
Raise the baby on your own in peace and quiet

Just what I was going to say. Solicitors will send whatever you pay then to send (I guess within reason!).

OP, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, it's horrendous. But as others have said, at least he's shown you who he is. You deserve better than him, and you and your gorgeous baby will be sooooo much better off without this useless twat. One day you will realise this, but meanwhile you need to grieve for the future you thought you had 💐

Yep. there are wankers on this thread, ignore them OP they're really not worth the bother..

What sort of people have voted you’re being unreasonable? Shame on them!

cease contact with your ex - he doesn’t want it and won’t help you. Ensure you get a claim in with CMS at the soonest opportunity and if possible comply with DNA testing.

Set you and your baby up to thrive - move near family if you have any. Let your ex do the hard work regarding contact if he wants it but focus on you and the little baby you’re carrying to create the life you want. Apply for all the state benefits you can get and use food banks or vouchers to kit out the baby‘s room.

Do you have support in real life? Parents? Friends? Make sure you attend all the medical appointments given to you and do not worry. You can do this. I‘d have much rather been a single mum than staying married to a loser who became abusive and controlling. Your life and time is yours. Cherish it.

Just to clarify, OP, since you’re not married to this man, you can’t put his name on the birth certificate. He would have to come with you to register the birth. But you don’t want him on the birth certificate anyway because that would give him parental rights and you don’t want him to have those.

He sounds horrible, OP. And he’s been pathetic getting a solicitor to write to you. I think your mum was incredibly cruel in what she said to you also.

Ignore the few posters who are trolling you. Focus on the posters giving positive advice. You’ve got this, OP. And don’t fret about stress to your baby. My parents and their classmates were conceived during WW2 and gestated during the Blitz in London and became the love & peace generation. Your baby is snug and safe inside you and will be fine. You look after yourself.

Wow he's a piece of shit... and your mum? OMG, I totally understand because my own my isn't the best mum, and I can imagine her reacting like this. But I just want you to know, that's not normal! A normal mum would be there for you in a heartbeat! I am so sorry you're going through all this. You are not to blame, at all. Hand hold.

Well aren't you a gem!

People who gets their kicks from kicking people when they're down, are a whole different tier of arseholes. Hope you're feeling smug with yourself. I pity your kids...

Edited for typos

A solicitor will send any letter their client pays them for. Ok, there are probably some limits, but they’ll certainly send a letter saying their client “feels harassed” or “considers this harassment” even if your behaviour goes nowhere near actual criminal harassment. So I’d say you can safely ignore the letter.

But as others have said stop contacting him, for your own mental health not for him. You can do this, he doesn’t want to be involved. File for CMS immediately baby is born, you don’t need to wait for him to agree or for the result of any DNA test. If he pushes it you will need to agree to a test eventually, but filing immediately will ensure you’re due maintenance back to the birth once the results come through.

Hi OP Brokennn

"I definitely will not be contacting him again, in a way it is a form of closure but I am in total shock he would do something like this."

he is a complete fool. The gift of a child is amazing and he has turned his back on you and on his unborn child. Sad for him but in the very long run this might be better for you because he sounds like a total Dick.

I am so sorry you are feeling low today. "I am struggling a lot today, keep going to through waves of anger towards him and feeling strong, then feeling like it all must be my fault and I’ve ruined my baby’s life."

This is NOT your fault and you have not ruined your baby's life. Your body is doing an amazing job of growing your baby.

Please get some hep/professional help to work through the things you need to do. Maybe a counsellor or a good friend, ideally someone non-judgmental who does have kids.

Think about your health, being as healthy as you can, your finances, working out how to manage the costs etc (NCT National Childbirth Trust hold sales nationwide selling loads of brilliant clothes and equipment which saves money), and if you cannot find find one there are other similar organisation in charities/village halls/churches etc up and down the country.

Honestly, being a mum is the best thing, it is hard, it is not easy, but it is wonderful. You will need great friends around you, so look out for those friends or people you know who may be able to step up and help.

I am sorry your mum has behaved badly. Not sure what the future holds there but there will be lovely people in your life who will help.

I agree with the poster who said "I would keep it as evidence. Monsters like him can turn up later."

Keep a record of his appalling behaviour just in case you need it.

I cannot believe people saying negative things to the OP, who has come here for support.

Anyone deserves better than the way this man has treated you. Block him on all communication channels, don’t put him on the birth certificate and freeze him out of your life.

It doesn’t matter why he’s gone cold, what matters is you’re better than him and all his drama.

If money will be tight, there are baby banks around that can support you with baby equipment.

I went mad buying tonnes of unnecessary stuff for my baby and most if it was new.

You can get some excellent quality baby products almost as good as new second hand. The only thing that I would insist on having new is a new cot/crib mattress and a car seat. Both of these for safety reasons.

If your employer has an employee assistance program, get some counselling with them to talk out your feelings. Also tell your midwife and ask for some support.

See if your industry has any charities that help.prople out in times of hardship.

Also, there is an organisation called home start that has volunteers who can help with parents who need a little support when they have a child under 5. Perhaps look into that to see if there is someone able to support you in those early days. Most people would jump.at the chance to cuddle a newborn while the Mum has a nap!

But, believe me, when that baby is here, you will find strength that you never thought you had.

Try to get out every day, even if it's just a stroll to the shops and stop somewhere for a cuppa. You will be the centre of attention when you have a newborn. I couldn't believe how many.people wanted to talk to me when I had my first baby. I remember my first outing and I had this weird feeling that people were looking at me and I didn't understand why. Then it slowly dawned kn me that people just wanted tk get a look at my baby. I used to have old ladies ask fir a cuddle when I was sitting in coffee shops and I happily obliged. It also gave me some social interaction when I felt lonely.

Join some baby groups.

I wouldn't provide a DNA sample right now. Let him do the chasing. Don't waste your money on any solicitor's letters. Claim CMS as soon as you are allowed to (perhaps find out how you do that now).

Do not put him on the BC unless you want to have to seek his permission to go abroad when your child is older and make sure you give the baby your surname, not his.

I used to feel lonely alot of the time pre-kids. I have never felt lonely once they could interact with me a bit.

You've got this!

YES You've got this! You will do well, you need to plan, and get support and cut out the negativity.

XXXXXXX

And one day, you will realise this utter that did you a huge favour. He is showing you now who he really is.

Better to have him out if your life rather than sticking with a useless fucker who wriggles out of taking on any responsibility and expecting you to work, raise the baby and run the home while carry the weight of him too.

You might not believe it now but it will be so much easier for you raising that baby alone without having the weight of him dragging you down.