26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Well, that's very restrained. In your shoes I'd be blowing up his phone and calling him every name under the sun. I'd make sure I damn well earned that restraining order, lol!

No, it isn’t. I couldn’t bothered to write it all out so I had ai summarise it:

Course of Conduct: Must involve at least two incidents, though they do not need to be of the same nature.
Unwanted Behaviour: Includes abusive text messages, social media posts, unwanted calls, or following someone.
Impact: The behaviour must cause alarm or distress to the victim.
The "Reasonable Person" Test: A court will consider whether a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the behaviour amounts to harassment.

Based on what the OP has said, there is no evidence of alarm or distress - he didn’t tell her to stop, it wasn’t immediately obvious that what she was doing was going to alarm him, her messages were not abusive and no reasonable person would consider a pregnant woman asking for clarity in these circumstances to be harassment.

No need to respond I’d say, keep the letter as evidence and keep all the messages you’ve sent OP, you can screenshot and delete from your phone. Delete and block his number so he cannot reinstate contact if he feels like it, and screenshot that you’ve done that too. Obviously a person can unblock at a later date but it’s part of a narrative, should you need it.

@Brokennn no solicitor would send a letter talking about harassment for that level of contact. You admit that you harassed your mum when she wouldn’t answer you.

Because they aren't married OP can't put him on the birth certificate unless he attends the appointment at the Register Office with her which he obviously won't be doing.

OP, he's a complete dick. There have been a lot of good advice on here already but I would add one thing - find out the situation re his parental responsibility. He sound vindictive and cruel, make sure he has no control over you and your child in terms on medical treatment, schools and trave (these are the things he would control via parental responsibility). Also, absolutely go to CMS and get them to charge him for everything - if he refuses to pay, they will do it themselves but will charge him extra for the service. Do not respond to his solicitor or him if he gets in touch, do everything through CMS. Keep the record of all that is happening, including his letter, threats, etc if he ever decides he wants to be a daddy.

You can absolutely do it. In my experience, its better to be a single parent than living with a complete twat. You will love being a mum, just take it easy and don't put pressure on yourself.

Your mum is awful, btw. Its not a normal reaction. She is very cruel and nasty. Hope she has a good excuse for what she said, and hope she will step up.

Unfortunately situations like this are common when a pregnancy is unplanned and before a couple have committed to each other properly.
Break ups are incredibly difficult if you’re the one who doesn’t want it to end. However, he has made his wishes clear and you need to respect them. Get the dna results asap and make sure you claim child maintenance.
If you continue to contact him it is harassment. He doesn’t love you nor does he want the baby atm. It’s his loss. You can do this alone because you don’t have a choice. I’d recommend getting back to work as it would better for you to keep busy.

There is no crime, so no, it’s won’t.

I literally quoted the legislation?

here is the police website:

https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

and your ai says. Unwanted calls. More than 2. Causing distress to the victim.

That’s not harassment law though.

you can’t say how he feels. Some women would feel harassed if their ex sent daily texts and emails wanting to talk, get back together etc. it can feel like obsession, and can be scary. Others will block him and move on without a second thought.

i am not getting at o/p or saying she’s done anything wrong. But if he can argue that the frequency of these contacts were unreasonable and made him feel harassed, then that would be recorded as harassment.

you’ve only got o/p’s word that she was polite. For me, polite is waiting for a response or at least a couple of days before following up. Polite is not bombarding someone with daily messages, and yes, I would be concerned if someone started doing that to me.

So you are implying that he has good reason to think that the baby isn't his? That is a pretty horrible thing to say about the OP who is going through a very hard time. It really doesn't show you in a very good light at all to make such allegations about an obviously very vulnerable OP.

@Brokennn there was a post a few weeks ago from a woman who now has a three year old whose partner behaved almost identically. Might help you to understand his reaction (not that it excuses or makes what he’s done right in anyway)
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5524285-to-never-be-able-to-forgive-this-despite-the-context

@Brokennn i don’t want to kick you when you’re down but calling and texting most days when he is not responding at all is really excessive and could constitute harassment. You need to back off totally, prepare for life as a single mum and put a CMS claim in once your baby is born. He’s shown you who he is - believe him.

She is not stalking him. I can say that with absolute conviction. There has to be two instances of fear and alarm to get someone charged under section 39 and even when some people are threatened police will do the square root of eff right all. And I can also say that the CPS and the fiscal in Scotland would not always jump to charge even if there was a lot of communication - it's the content of said communication that's often more important. Threats. Warnings.

I'm sure that the OP is a nice person and the messages were probably fine. Having said that, I don't know how you could definitively say that she has been non-threatening and polite throughout without having actually read the messages.

I mean, they were living together and had planned to try for a baby next year. Sounds pretty committed to me.

I dont think its matters if its technically "harassment" or not. OP is a vulnerable pregnant woman and treating her like this is fucking nasty.

She absolutely can give baby his last name. Or any name she chooses.

what she can’t do is name him on the birth certificate without him agreeing in writing or being there.

I think it does. Solicitors have to follow very strict professional standards. If OP is behaving poorly, being pregnant doesn’t absolve her.

Every thread on Mumsnet has posters who blame the OP and try to tear them down. They must be extremely unhappy people who spend an unhealthy amount of time at home.

The DNA test thing is something that certain types of men routinely say in order to hurt their pregnant partners.

Eh?? What do you think is stopping her from naming the baby any damn thing she chooses?

I have been stalked myself - for over a year. Death threats. Photos of my house going online. Parcels to my home. Hate blogs and twitter accounts dedicated to me. Police said it didn't cross the threshold to charge.

He locked her out of the house she had been living in. He didn't want the baby.

How easy do you think it is to get someone charged with harassment. I wasn't just stalked. I was harassed to - to within an inch of my life.

Wanting to talk - she's pregnant to him - why shouldn't she want to talk!

You've made your feelings quite clear and they don't reflect well on you.

Do you feel superior when you're kicking someone at their lowest.

If she was threatening him. He could call police

Dont make me laugh. Solicitors will write any kind of crap if they are paid. I can send you a letter to "cease and desist" talking to me on mumsnet ))) They only threatened her, as this is all they can do.

My ex got his solicitor to call me and tell me my child will be taken off me if I dont agree to his terms. High standards, indeed! ))