26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Rubbish. Anyone can send a cease and desist. It doesn't mean what is being said is true

He couldn't because police would be pissed off with him wasting their time.

Yes, reputable ones do and the average person would find it hard to get that kind of assistance without evidence. But if the ex has the money to get a solicitor to write a cease and desist there are plenty who will take that on a less evidential basis. Look at all the celebs and politicians who have solicitors demand journalists stop looking into their tax affairs. Occasionally those solicitors end up in court for overstepping their powers. If OP had money she could get a similar letter challenging the authority of the solicitor who has written to her. But, why bother. The important thing is it’s legally meaningless, just a man using his money to be a prick.

No, you can’t. Solicitors are duty bound to not use their position to intimidate an unrepresented party.

You are very naïve.

Oh behave. A solicitor will send pretty much anything you pay them to send. She did not harrass her mother. Her mother is a twat. There's a lot of it about.

You must be joking. I was sent two cease and desists by colleagues who were harassing me. One had been sacked a year earlier. They sent me them to intimidate me. No other reason

It wouldn’t.

And if someone contacted you a few times, would you just ignore them and then send a solicitors letter, or would you tell them in no uncertain terms to stop?

Oh it does come up.

in theory everyone travelling with a child needs written permission from everyone with PR who is not also travelling.

many assume that this only matters if you have a different name. It does not, it applies to everyone. Regardless of marital status, names etc.

so if anyone with PR is not travelling with that child you need to carry documentation that you have permission, or a court order.

last time I chaperoned a school sports trip two parents got stopped. They assumed they were married and had the same name they did not need dad’s permission. They were not allowed to board until dad had been spoken to and verbal permission given. One parent nearly didn’t make it as dad couldn’t be reached at work. We now have a blanket rule that everyone must have permission letters from non travelling parents, regardless of status.

Honestly OP other posters have it nailed. He is a cunt of the highest order. Do not beg him for anything. Don’t contact him again and do not put him on the birth certificate. Consider this a lucky escape! You’ll manage fine on your own. You have got this. You have to have this for your baby’s sake. Try and find your inner mama bear she is in there. Fuck him and his shit behaviour. I’m sending you so much strength. You can bet your bottom dollar he will do everything to avoid paying you any maintenance so save yourself the faff and get on with your life. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

No doubt the letter was very polite, not at all oppressive or intimidating.

Stop trying to frighten the OP saying she's going to be in trouble with the police. Those of you who are doing this. Why didn't he go to police if he felt so harassed? That's what I did when I was being stalked. I went to police. He's trying to intimidate her.

He's a rip roaring cunt. Please stop making excuses for this low life.

The solicitor hasn’t heard the OPs account, only her client’s.
the solicitor is not a judge - she doesn’t take evidence from both sides and then decides if harassment has been committed.

I'll repeat what I posted earlier. Not all of us are mothers or women. Some of us bring agendas and all of us are clouded by our own experience or that of people close to us.
The op needs to read with discernment.

I had been texting and emailing him most days

I assume he has used this as the case for ‘harassment’. It sounds like your relationship was already doomed and you will be much happier without him.

But his lack of calling the police doesn't prove that she wasn't threatening.

He could have called the police for what he deemed to be harassment but apparently he hasn't.

I'm just saying I don't understand why someone would make an assertion about something that they don't actually have any first hand knowledge of.

He was future faking. The pregnancy happened, he got caught up, then reality hit and he doesn't want to parent with you. There was a poster on here who's ex had done the same, three years later contact was going well. As said don't worry too far into the future. Sometimes it's better doing it all alone, rather than with a uninterested, resentful partner. A plus is uou get to choose the name and the baby takes your surname.

OP done absolutely nothing wrong. He and his solicitor can fuck off.

The only thing I would be worried is him being proved to be the father and subsequently deciding to stop OP from having tips abroad with the child out of spite. BTW it makes zero difference if he/ his name is on birth certificate or not. All that matters if he has/ hasn't parental responsibility. So technically, OP could refuse DNA test and say he is not the father - this way, he will have no say in child's life but also will not have to pay child support. Or she can have a DNA test, prove he is a father, make him pay - but also will have to deal with him being able to stop her from travelling. Though in the last option she probably would be able to get a court order allowing her to travel, given the fact he has zero involvement.

Honestly I would take this as a bullet dodged and have nothing more to do with him. Don't do the DNA test, don't put him on the birthday certificate. Don't let him have any say over your child's life going forward. He has forfeited that. You can I'll find someone who will love you and your child and be the father your child deserves. He is not it.

I'm not a mother either. Not sure what relevance that has to this

I mean, seriously - a few messages, calls and emails? I heard stories of cars being set on fire, work being made to suffer, parent being made to suffer, physical violence - all because of being dumped. Not something to follow, of course, but gives you an idea of how mild OP is.

He is setting his case for the op to be unstable.

First the harassment and claiming the baby might not even be his.

Then the second she sends a new message will be proof “she can’t control herself” then once the baby arrives and he is confirmed as the father, he will try to go for unfit mother method with any claims he can.

Or he will disappear to reappear one the child is an adult with his paperwork that op harassed him and so poor works me couldn’t possibly be daddy and it was all mummies fault I wasn’t in your life.

Multiple texts calls and emails could certainly be harassment.

Ops own mother claims she harassed her which is rather interesting. Are the mother and ex in contact or maybe op is overbearing with her contact.

She’s texted him 3 times a day for 10 weeks and sent multiple emails per week despite him not responding to any of them.

are you saying if your phone was going off every 4 hours every day for nearly 3 months with messages from the same person you wouldn’t be completely freaked out? I would be beside myself. As he wasn’t responding to the messages, the OP can’t say this was a genuine attempt to contact him - it was clearly a pressure tactic and this is illegal I’m afraid.

Like any thread on the Internet. Yes? You respond to the information you've been given.

OK. You win. I don't know that she hadn't harassed him so I shouldn't post on this thread. All the people filling in the blanks should do so instead