AIBU to expect some tidying from MIL while babysitting at ours?

[Sofitella]

AIBU to think my MIL could really do a bit of tidying when she is at our house looking after DC?

Just got home from a business trip and DH had asked her if she could help put DC to bed and supervise until we both got home. I come in from a day that started at 5am and a 3 hour journey home to find the house in a complete tip, dirty dishes, dogs not been let out, DC school bags, swimming bags with wet clothes in etc all just dumped on the floor, she’s lying on the sofa reading.

Now I totally understand that she’s doing us a favour and doesn’t have to do anything…but would you do that? I know I definitely wouldn’t, and if I had some time to kill once the kids are in bed I’d help out by at least sorting out the mess which had occurred on my watch!

Now have to start a major tidy up and I’m so exhausted 😔, and DC are complaining that they haven’t had enough to drink and are thirsty in bed and need water!

My own mum would have swooped in and everything would be done and spotless and a cup of tea offered on arrival.

I think this might go to the heart of it actually.

It isn't tidying up after herself that you're really expecting, it's tidying up after your children. And I don't think that is the same thing.

This is honestly like my mum. And the reason I don’t ask her to have my kids anymore. It’s just not worth it. It’s not entitled to expect basic courtesy when in someone else home

Tbf its not her house, they're not her kids, she's not your mother and it's not her job. You asked her to look after them, which she has. She doesn't have to clean your house.

They are 4 and 6.

Don’t try and say ooo my kids at 3 and 5 did all their own laundry!! It’s not realistic to expect 4 and 6 year old to use a washing machine to clean their own clothes, that’s a grown ups job

🤣

Well now you know the level of help mil offers so just make sure you make it clear to DH that either it’s your mum or he gets home first to deal with the mess mil leaves if he insists on asking her.

When visiting DD I always help around the house and DH does stuff in the garden as we like to do it and that's the way we are. My own mum used to do the ironing if there was any if she came round to babysit but my MIL would just sit if ever she came round and that was fine. I think you're being unreasonable in your expectation of your MIL. Haven't read the full thread but how old are your children and why aren't they putting their own stuff away?

Why did you leave your house in such a state?

If the kids were fed, happy and in bed I would be thrilled.

You and DH divide the tasks of wet swimmers, lunch boxes/bags, dishes and attending to dog between you and it will take all of 20 minutes.

Thank MIL and have a cup of tea.

At ages 4 and 6 you can start to train your children to empty their wet swimmers into the washing basket, put lunch boxes in the kitchen etc. If they were well trained in their after school routine MIL would not have to learn it.

Maybe after the cup of tea, MIL would have packed the dishwasher and wiped the kitchen.. But she possibly enjoyed the children rather than the housework. Fair enough.

No but they can take the stuff out the bag and put the inside the machine. No one said they had to switch it on, add powder etc

I used to tell mine to do that as soon as we entered the house. As well as put shoes on rack etc.

Yeah so you used to tell them and prompt them. There was adult input. MIL is not doing this at all. MIL isn’t reminding the kids to put shoes away etc etc. this isn’t being done like you explain

I can see someone coming on here and posting that their MIL came to do a spot of babysitting, did all the tidying up and now they feel shamed.

Your mum knows she can do whatever as it's a different relationship and if she's always been a doer, that's what you know and expect.

Your MIL is more a visitor and needs explicit instructions. It's just a different dynamic. My Mil used to come and tell me how to clean, my mum never came at all, so you should be far more grateful than you sound.

But after they'd been told this every day since babies it should be automatic

My 15 month dgc is told each day about shoes so by the time they are 4 ....

A family member has a tonne of unwritten rules and expectations from others.

I mean the list is bloody endless.

We have stepped back massively because we are no longer willing to meet the expectations. We have our own limitations which she has absolutely no understanding of or appreciation for.

She feels utterly abandoned which obviously we are not happy about but is largely out of our control.

We felt put upon and drained by the weight of expectations and the subtle passive aggressive criticism when we didn’t live up to them.

Don’t be that soldier putting yourself in that situation. Expect others to live by their own standards and limitations not your expectations. Say thank you.

Hard agree!

The kids left the wet swimming stuff on the floor, they should be better trained by OP.

I think you’re thinking of an 8 year old. To expect a 4 yo to unpack their own bags at the end of the day is not very realistic. Shoes fine but again, will often need reminding.

im baffled why this is all on the kids when the MIL is a fully grown adult. She sounds like she needs some training!!

How much are you paying your MIL Maid? Swopped in with a coffee?

As OP has been away, she will not know how bad a state her husband had left the house in before her MIL arrived. Perhaps MIL has already done some tidying up and is now quite rightly putting her feet up.

Ah dgc? So you’re a grandma and quite a long time since you’ve been a mother! Your expectations of a very small child to put their shoes away completely unprompted every single time is unrealistic. Rose tinted glasses is very easy from the older generation

Some people's attitudes on here are very transactional; you can only hope for a bit of tidying if you're paying someone cold hard cash?
It's just common sense to let the dogs out and take wet clothes out of swimming bags (although I'd wonder where to hang them, if I didn't know the house/routines; but if someone did it for me and hung them somewhere weird, I'd still be grateful that they'd been taken out at all).
I can't say I'd do the dishes, though.

My MIL would do this. I went back to work and kids were in wrap around care except one day when they needed picking up and taking to an activity.

She would walk into a clean tidy house, bring all the ingredients to make pancakes and make them and leave a huge mess, with kids fed on beige crap at an odd time of day, so hungry later on. She would pull out toys/ make a mess etc. She would nt find the time to tidy up but would find the time to move my furniture around to ‘make it look better.’

i sucked it up as it was a favour, but it was a total power move, which I have never forgotten.

But... she was with the children for bath and bedtime. That is what OP said in her opening post.

I would have expected the swim stuff to have been sorted ( or at least out of the bags to dry a bit ) but dependant on ages kids should be putting their own stuff away and into wash baskets out to dry. If she fed them again plates into dishwasher can be done by kids/ her but apart from swim bags and water anything else could have waited till the morning so didn’t need doing when you got back. Also when was DH back?

Normally, I disagree with MN about babysitting being a 'massive favour' and all that. Don't see it this way.

But jesus, you're a cheeky fucker, ain't you? Sort your own goddamn kids, their mess and your tip of a house. Where's their father? In a meeting? So he can clean afterwards. Hire a nanny, hire a maid/cleaner, if you don't manage to adult between two grown people.

Your MIL did a nice thing, helped you out. She's not your servant, FFS. It's not 'her mess', it's yours, your kids' mess. I'd do the same as her, sure as hell I wouldn't 'tidy' your tip. And if I heard that you bitched about me behind my back, you could watch your sprogs yourself the next time.

The only thing she did wrong was the dogs.

I'm very far from MIL age and don't have a MIL myself, no skin in the game.