AIBU to expect some tidying from MIL while babysitting at ours?

[Sofitella]

AIBU to think my MIL could really do a bit of tidying when she is at our house looking after DC?

Just got home from a business trip and DH had asked her if she could help put DC to bed and supervise until we both got home. I come in from a day that started at 5am and a 3 hour journey home to find the house in a complete tip, dirty dishes, dogs not been let out, DC school bags, swimming bags with wet clothes in etc all just dumped on the floor, she’s lying on the sofa reading.

Now I totally understand that she’s doing us a favour and doesn’t have to do anything…but would you do that? I know I definitely wouldn’t, and if I had some time to kill once the kids are in bed I’d help out by at least sorting out the mess which had occurred on my watch!

Now have to start a major tidy up and I’m so exhausted 😔, and DC are complaining that they haven’t had enough to drink and are thirsty in bed and need water!

My own mum would have swooped in and everything would be done and spotless and a cup of tea offered on arrival.

Yes go ahead and scold your MIL about her efforts not being up to the standard you expect, I’m sure she’ll be suitably contrite.
Or maybe she’ll tell you to shove it, like I would if my DIL spoke to me like that.
Good luck to you and your DH with balancing trips away and late night working along with responsibility for dogs and kids without your MIL’s help in the future, or maybe your saintly mum will just do it every time?

My own mum would have swooped in and everything would be done and spotless and a cup of tea offered on arrival.

And there it is.

Your mother is mothering you.

Your MIL is not your mother. She's there to watch her grandkids (and take them to swimming, feed them, bathe them etc) as a favour to you because your DH couldn't be arsed to adjust his work around your trip.

A lot of DILs would be offended their MIL cleaned up and would see it as a criticism of how they keep their house. Can't win!

I would be annoyed coming home to a mess that wasn't there when I left. I don't expect a spotless house but when my mum and MIL babysit they clean up the majority of the mess created during their time with the children, they will at least rinse dishes and stack them neatly in the sink. My mum babysat for three hours earlier this week and I came home to dishwasher unloaded and dirty dishes put in, clean playroom and children's bedroom. She said she got the children involved in cleaning and they had a great time.

If I go to PIL or my mums home for dinner, I will clear the table and load the dishwasher and help clear the kitchen. It is common curtsy.

Yes, but its poor manners to contribute to a mess and not clean it up. I can't imagine babysitting and leaving a mess behind.

I feel like there's loads missing from your post. Who took them swimming? Who made their dinner? And then who put them to bed? How long did the business trip last? How long was she minding? Today and yesterday? Help put the to bed- help who? And supervise until we're home sounds like a really small ask but I imagine the ask was bigger.

ha, my mum did this, used to drive me crazy, but in reality she did me a huge favour, so i if course wouldn't of ever said anything, but i do get its a bit much.

but again i was just super grateful i got the help

Far out the misogyny from some on here.

I hope no woman who does me a favour ever ever thinks she has to participate in the fucked-up expectations of women that allow
people to say with a straight face ‘my mum would have cleaned, done the washing, made the dinner, painted the house and then poured me a wine to celebrate my fucking amazing effort of walking through the door because she lives to be of service to me’.

The expectations around women’s labour are insane.

yeah I’d expect the dogs to be let out (assuming she knows to do that) and swimming stuff to be put somewhere other than the floor. But what you’re describing as normal and expected just buys into appalling sexist tropes.

My mum would have put the washing in the machine and probably turned it on. Even though I'd put more than just a couple of towels/swimming costumes in. That would annoy me. She'd have fed the kids and cleaned up after. Then she'd have found some other cleaning to do. When I got in there would probably be dinner waiting for me. But also snide comments because she has higher standards than me.

My (ex) MIL would have done random stuff like look at my post, bin perfectly good food and possibly feed the DC. Then she'd tell her son what a shit mum I was.

Personally if the DC were fed and clean then I'd be happy. Obviously the dog should have been let out too.

She should have taken care of the dogs. If the kids are 3 years or up, they can be told to put their swimming kit in laundry basket. If you want a housekeeper AND a babysitter, pay someone to do it. Be grateful she that she looked after your DC and no one ended up in A&E.

If I go to PIL or my mums home for dinner, I will clear the table and load the dishwasher and help clear the kitchen. It is common curtsy.

And what does your husband do?

My husband also cleans up both when visiting others and of course our own home. He will also ask my mum and MIL what they need help with around the house and will take care of those tasks too.

It’s not tidying up after herself it’s tidying up after your kids and your dog.

if you want better “service” hire a professional.

she’s doing the best she can. You don’t know how frazzled it makes her looking after two young kids, the last thing she’s thinking about is cleaning up.

OP is free to tell her MIL that if she's that bothered.

Picking up 2 young kids, taking them swimming, making their dinner and bathing and putting them to bed is a busy few hours of work for a retiree, and we don't know what sort of tantrums and other shenanigans she had to deal with in the process. I absolutely would (and did) plop on the sofa for a breather once they're down, also to stay quiet so as to keep an ear out and not disturb them as they get off to sleep.

For all we know, MIL had every intention of getting to the chores later but she fell asleep or OP got home first. It was a one-off fgs.

It’s hard coming back to all that but you need the help to be able to do those jobs. As someone who has no help and cannot have a job with late meetings & travel & never had help with swimming lessons I say give your head a little wobble.

you’ll still need some help for years to come so make her a cuppa and be grateful

That's what I thought. Surely the dogs must have had a walk at some point during the day. Who did that?

How hard is it to bung the swimming stuff in the washing machine? TBF most people have modern conveniences and I really don't think a 'major' tidy up was needed at that moment. You wanted things just so at that moment. So you chose to do it Your MIL chose to relax as it isn't her house - fair.

When my kids were little, swimming was the club most hated by me and dh.

We used to take it in turns but the whole rushing there after school, getting them changed, standing in the boiling spectators area, getting them showered and dressed again, drying hair...its all such a faff!

Obviously we did it as parents but I wouldn't have asked someone babysitting to do this... I'd have cancelled swimming for tonight and left a meal in the slow cooker for them all so minimal dishes and no cooking for mil

Yes the dogs should have been sorted, but I think expectations were high if you wanted to come home to her having done school pick up, swimming, tea, bed routine and tidied.

That’s a lot of assumptions. Being retired doesn’t suddenly make you incapable of babysitting and tidying up. My mum is retired and she spends her days weight lifting with her trainer, traveling the world, landscaping her garden, etc.

I doubt OP would allow a frail, easily exhausted elderly person take care of her children.

YANBU my mum wouldn't consider it a HUGE favour to hang out with her grandkids for a few hours.
She always chips in when she comes round. She wouldn't just sit there surrounded by mess.

Wow, the level of entitlement!😱

No way on earth am I going to become an unpaid skivvy when my kids have children.

YABU. The children belong to you and your husband and it’s your mess between you to sort.
Pay somebody to sort it or go on less business trips.

Hire a cleaner and be grateful.

I disagree. As a MIL, and a former professional working woman, I juggled children, job, nannies, cleaner, etc. Occasionally, in an emergency usually, my mother or MIL helped.

Having been in my DIL's shoes, I would clear up the tea things and put on a wash because I care. It isn't mysogyny it's supporting another woman, who happens to be doing the hard yards. I'm also mid sixties and perfectly capable rather than a frail old lady, leaning on a stick.

And before anyone starts, DS wpukd probably still be at work, as would my DH but if they weren't they'd be reading the stories, mowing the lawn or washing up.

Yes it would be nice but she doesn't have to. It's not her job.

Hire help if you want certain jobs done. I did babysitting as a student and managed all of it - because it was a job.

Wow, doing you a favour in the first place is obviously not enough. Take it from someone who’s MIL wouldn’t help out & if did was done with a face so you felt fraught for the time you’re away. Leaving dirty dishes and their swimming gear in their bags would be of no concern to me.

Is this a reverse?