AIBU to expect some tidying from MIL while babysitting at ours?

[Sofitella]

AIBU to think my MIL could really do a bit of tidying when she is at our house looking after DC?

Just got home from a business trip and DH had asked her if she could help put DC to bed and supervise until we both got home. I come in from a day that started at 5am and a 3 hour journey home to find the house in a complete tip, dirty dishes, dogs not been let out, DC school bags, swimming bags with wet clothes in etc all just dumped on the floor, she’s lying on the sofa reading.

Now I totally understand that she’s doing us a favour and doesn’t have to do anything…but would you do that? I know I definitely wouldn’t, and if I had some time to kill once the kids are in bed I’d help out by at least sorting out the mess which had occurred on my watch!

Now have to start a major tidy up and I’m so exhausted 😔, and DC are complaining that they haven’t had enough to drink and are thirsty in bed and need water!

My own mum would have swooped in and everything would be done and spotless and a cup of tea offered on arrival.

There is nothing stating the MIL considered it a massive favour. For all we know she spent her time taking the kids swimming, feeding them, playing with them and then putting them to bed and was literally having a few minutes. It’s exhausting looking after kids especially when you’re older. Would I rather my child’s grandma play with them or tidy my house. I’d suggest the ones tidying the house are doing so because it’s easier than entertaining the kids and are not wanting to spend time with them

I wouldn’t expect her to clean the house, but I would expect her to put things away after she and the kids use them.

So if you left breakfast stuff on the side that’s a you issue. But if she’s taking stuff out to entertain the kids then that needs to be sorted before they move onto the next activity.

she needs to look after the dogs too, that’s just cruel.

I didn't say she was frail or make any other assumptions about her health, nor did I say she was incapable of anything. Bloody hell, can't people read?

Kids can be difficult to put down when their parents aren't around. I suggested she could have taken a quick breather and/or been trying to keep things quiet downstairs until the kids settled. I did that in my 30s.

It's a pretty common view that looking after little children can be exhausting and mothers get plenty of sympathy for it. But grandmothers? Nooo, they should be go go go all night and up lifting weights next morning.

I’m like you @ActiveConversations , I’m a compulsive tidier!
I happily tidy up when I’m at DS’s, my DDIL knows what I’m like and is grateful.
The difference with OP is that the OP expects her mil to do it, very presumptuous.
I do wonder what her relationship is like with her MIL.

The kids should be doing a lot of this themselves and that is on their parents to instill.

Yes, with school age children the extra mess should not be created. I wouldn’t expect someone to tidy up already messy things, but I would expect them to stay on top of things.

School age children should know to empty the swim bag with supervision and put plates in the dishwasher though.

I wouldn’t expect it necessarily but my mum and my mil (and FIL for that matter) are absolutely fantastic for cleaning and tidying while watching my kids/after they’re in bed (v rare actually but that’s my choice, largely). To be fair, MIL and FIL clean and tidy a bit while I’m putting the kids to bed even if they’ve ‘just’ been visiting for the day. I think it would be shame to come back to a bit of a tip but ultimately mil was doing a big favour to look after the kids for you so it is what it is I guess!
The dogs would be my main concern really, it’s not on to let them wait and wait, it seems unfair, assuming your mum knew they needed to go out/has some degree of knowledge about animals!

The op needs to be paying a dog walker. It’s not her mil’s responsibility to care for them.

If this isn’t a joke, it’s absolutely fucking awful.
if I was looking after my sons children, would I have picked up a few bits off the floor? Probably.
but if I found out his wife expected me to do more, my response the next time he asked me to do them a favour would be ‘fuck off you ungrateful entitled x’

op - when your dad, dil or brother babysit for you, how much cleaning do you expect them to do?

How strange that your children, whilst perfectly able to tell you that they are thirsty are unable to communicate that to their grandmother or, better yet, turn on the tap and hold a cup under it. Is that the result of the same disability that means they can't empty a swimming bag?

Right, you say your MIL was there for.. bathtime and putting the children to bed and supervise till you got home.
So, where under her watch did the dishes get dirty and the kids went swimming?
That is quite the bedtime routine!
I would sort the items I used while looking after the children. So dishes if I gave them dinner, swimming costumes if I took them swimming. But no way I am going to slave sorting what other person left undone in their own house!
The thirst, did they tell their grandma they were thirsty? Do you give them any drink after bath and bedtime?

Surely you have the intelligence to grasp that your children are "thirsty" because they want to chat to their mum?

Yabu to expect your MIL to be your skivvy . Where is DH in all this? Or DFIL? Why can't they tidy?

You cannot really win as a MIL I looked after my grandchild when small would be there for the day and while the baby/ toddler napped would do a tidy up, but was told it wasn’t appreciated as I was only there to entertain/ supervise the grandchild 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do a job badly and you won’t be asked to do it again. She doesn’t want to be your go to childcare option. That’s fair enough. Now you know.

I would assume it’s because they’re boys and so aren’t expected to do any work that females should be doing.

I didn’t say that you used the words “frail”. Can’t you read?!

You did say she was a retiree which comes with assumptions about her energy level. And if you weren’t making assumptions then I’m unclear why you would label her in the first place.

Maybe she was taking a quick break to read her book before cleaning up the mess but in that case she should have offered to help OP with tidying before she left. It’s common sense to tidy away dishes. I don’t think OP was expecting a deep clean but it is reasonable for MIL and children to tidy their mess away prior to bedtime.

OP did not say she expected MIL to “slave sorting what other person left undone in their own house!”. She said that had she been in MIL shoes she would have cleaned up any mess made while she was with the children.

I don’t think you can expect it, as others have said. Also, it hardly sounds like a major tidy up.

Many others absolutely would not and that’s more than fine.

I think people are reading the title and reacting to it without reading your post, OP.

Normally I would say YABU but with stuff everywhere, wet swimmers and the poor dogs not let out, I would say YANBU. Not at all. Can you send her a (politely worded) text saying your disappointment and you were exhausted from a 5am start and 3 hour journey and got in to a mess and the dogs not even let out? Can your DH speak to her?

My MIL won’t even pour herself a glass of water or remove her plate from the table after she’s been hosted, let alone look after the kids! 😂

It’s a tricky one as she is doing you a favour, but letting the dogs out is the bare minimum. Even as a guest in someone’s house, i’ll help tidy up such as washing my mug etc. She’s doing the bare minimum as she’s helping out so doesn’t feel/want to tidy up after your kids as well. You can’t really complain, but it would be nice if she did help keep a little order to the chaos.

Oh yes, please text her and tell her how disappointed you are and how she needs to do better next time or unfortunately you won't be able to ask her to do you favours in future.

😂Expect mil to then tell her to do one and pay a dog sitter, nanny and cleaner whilst she’s in the process.

She’s not the parent or a servant. She’s doing them a favour so it is unbelievably rude to then moan

I’m not sure about school bags and swimming bags but not letting the dogs out is totally wrong. And who feeds young children in their care then doesn’t tidy up the dishes afterwards.

But as everyone has said she’s doing you a favour so you can either not ask her again or put up with it. Sending a message is unlikely to end well.