AIBU to expect some tidying from MIL while babysitting at ours?

[Sofitella]

AIBU to think my MIL could really do a bit of tidying when she is at our house looking after DC?

Just got home from a business trip and DH had asked her if she could help put DC to bed and supervise until we both got home. I come in from a day that started at 5am and a 3 hour journey home to find the house in a complete tip, dirty dishes, dogs not been let out, DC school bags, swimming bags with wet clothes in etc all just dumped on the floor, she’s lying on the sofa reading.

Now I totally understand that she’s doing us a favour and doesn’t have to do anything…but would you do that? I know I definitely wouldn’t, and if I had some time to kill once the kids are in bed I’d help out by at least sorting out the mess which had occurred on my watch!

Now have to start a major tidy up and I’m so exhausted 😔, and DC are complaining that they haven’t had enough to drink and are thirsty in bed and need water!

My own mum would have swooped in and everything would be done and spotless and a cup of tea offered on arrival.

I agree. I'm a mother-in-law and I wouldn't dream of letting the children make a mess of the house and then not bother to clear it up.

I'll admit I'm a bit reticent in my son's house to do anything other than clean up after myself and the children. But in my daughter's house I will look for jobs and do whatever looks like it needs doing - I load and unload the dishwasher, sort the laundry and put a wash load on, put away any clean and dry laundry, clean out the cat's litter tray, clean the sink, tidy up the kitchen etc. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing when there are things that need doing.

I think YABU but I look after grandchildren and try and tidy up a bit. Certainly I would have sorted the bags/wet towels/dishes.
One thing that puzzles me on MN is that there are a lot of families who are genuinely very busy and they always have dogs as well and not just one. Why? It just gives you extra work to do and less time to spend with your kids.

If MIL put the kids to bed couldn't your DH have tidied and emptied the swimming bags?

She does now

Yes-or someone should be. Not saying it's MIL's job, but the only things that need looking after are children and animals, so either she agrees to do it, or OP and partner needs to sort out an alternative.
If you were paying for a nanny, that would cost a fortune, and they don't necessarily clean.

A lot wfh these days. Plus they might have had the dog before having kids, and no one would want to throw out a creature they should have a close bond with. Also, many parents get a dog for the sake of their child's health-they are generally healthier if they grow up with a dog, so some have one for that reason. It's not really much extra work, you just take the dog with you when you go out so they get walks and aren't bored.

Spot on , it's always the mils and never the mother . I found looking after my gcs all day completely exhausting but I know my dil was so appreciative .

I have this.
Mil will clean the house spotless. She will even sort all the washing.
My own mum i will come home to a bomb site. Its abit annoying but some people just dont see mess and I just think how lucky I am to have childcare when I need it.

Maybe you should pay for child care or just ask your perfect mother instead of Dh’s who you wish would behave like a maid for you?

I’d say you should tell your MIL that you think she’s a Skanky bitch and not good enough to look after your children for free, so you won’t be using her again and you will only be using your own mother because she is just perfect and will clean up after your children and you to your standards and for free. Just a thought? Maybe also tell your husband how bad her cleaning is and that’s why she should never be used in the future to provide child care because she won’t clean your house.

I hope that when your children marry and have children you daughter in law posts on the internet about how shit your cleaning is.

My mum sounds like yours OP and I would never come home to this. The most “annoying” thing she does is take my washing home to her house as she insists her machine is quicker so I never know where anything is!
I also ty to leave somewhere as tidy if not tidier as when I entered when I’m staying somewhere, including when looking after kids, and would expect a quick square up/bags emptied/dishes away at least, not a dog lover so that feels like a huge unnecessary pressure to me.

Apologies if I missed it….. but how much are you paying her for the childcare she provides…?

Yeah exactly but she’ll come back on here bleating about the ‘village’ and how she deserves free childcare and cleaning from everyone in her family despite never being a villager and doing the same amount of cleaning/ baby sitting whatever

So don't ask her again and find someone else next time.

Poor dogs.

Maybe leave her a checklist next time? If I was MIL , there wouldn’t be a second time.
No good deed goes unpunished.
But my DF use to babysit for me and I’m telling you now, he just kept the children alive and happy.

Did you ask her to let the dogs out? If so, she is cruel to not let them out in the garden for some air and a wee/poo if they’ve been inside all day.

She could have put the wet swimming costumes and towels straight into the washing machine or on the radiator. Did you give her any instructions on what to do with the wet stuff?

Dishes - whose were they? Yours from the morning? Hers and the kids? If she cooked and made herself and the kids some tea (or dinner if that’s what you call your evening meal) then I wouldn’t be angry at the dishes. I’d be grateful she’d cooked for and fed my kids. Washing up a few dishes only takes 5 minutes.

Sometimes people can’t do right for doing wrong.

My mum was (IMO) an absolute star when she babysat. She’d tidy up, iron, clean the oven - she was like a house elf. When she did the same thing for my sister my DSis was furious at what she interpreted as criticism of her housekeeping.

I think YABU. She looked after your children. Presumably they felt safe and loved while you were away. That’s a win. Anything extra is a bonus.

This 100%

I'm in my 30s so not exactly on the receiving end of this treatment, but I can't stand the way society views older women.

"would have did it"?!

That can't sound right to you, surely 🫨

She hasn’t left her own mess everywhere it’s just your kids stuff

I don’t expect it of myself even let alone a babysitter. Sometimes I’m completely frazzled and have zero energy and give zero shits about tidying the house!

There’s more than one way to live and lots of us don’t see the odd bit of mess as being lazy, it’s just life.

That's a very low bar, and the kids were complaining they were thirsty.

I'm an 'older woman' and I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I had dropped the ball they way this MIL did.

It is not ok to leave a mess like that in a house with small children, shite all over the floor and the kitchen a tip, and it's not one bit ok to neglect the dogs.

This MIL gave the OP and her H a massive middle finger. If you agree to take care of someone's children, part of your responsibility is to make sure their environment is clean and tidy, and that the children are not subjected to bargain basement standards of care - you make sure they are both fed AND watered - and you don't leave the dogs bursting to go out unless you're really going to town with the passive aggression.

Some of us take pride in leaving a place as we would wish to find it.

Not all, it seems, but some.

Has anyone else noticed the irony of the sneering at the OP for 'wanting it all' or for her 'entitlement' while at the same time pontificating about older women being seen as domestic appliances and telling the OP to clean her own house?

The entire point of the feminism I ascribe to is that women have each others' backs, and as far as I'm concerned that means not leaving a mess for some other woman to clean up, and doing more than the bare minimum when you agree to support another woman.

The sneering about the 'high flying career' is downright nasty.

Shame on you all.