Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I quoted greenbank student village as an example of the type of thing, not the one my son went to which was cheaper.

The one he decided against was this " Our main student accommodation complex near the University of Essex Colchester campus, starting from £96.92pw". That's this years rates

Beyond the Box Student
Shared flats from roughly £109/week and studios up to about £198/week. Has gym, cinema room, study spaces and “The Hub” social area. This is the one he was in

They can research but ultimately paying party has a say. My dd couldn’t even afford cheapest halls on min loan, we did what many do and pay accommodation whilst she lives on min loan.
Parents earning £33,000 each don’t consider themselves high earning but mum and dad on that salary and yp is on min loan in England.
If you are a single parent on a low income then your yp will receive a much higher loan which should cover their rent.

There’s only two uni summer holidays in a 3-year course.

My DS stayed up last summer - he got a job and his friends/housemates stayed up too.

Sorry that you’re upset but maybe she prefers her job there, uni friends are staying up, she’s met a boy/girl (delete as applicable).

I didn't eye-roll you - that's the "confused" emoji. HTH.

Exactly. I did tons of research when I went to uni almost 20 years ago but ultimately my parents were paying so the final decision didn't lie with me. They also looked at what options were available and vetoed several outright lol.

Minimum loan would've paid for the last 2 accomodations I showed you. . So unless in much higher costing places to live there isn't any need to shell out thousands.

I know about the higher loans Again that's penalized the less well off kids landing them with bigger debt because their parents don't earn well. Whereas the really well off parents pay the lot and usually have the connections to shunt young adult kids into good jobs

And 66k is at good income when it's one parent. It's nearly 3 times what I got in total ( wages inc tax credits) when he started uni

Liverpool is a lower cost city. Not disputing you can get cheap accommodation in some Uni cities eg Preston, Huddersfield but higher ranking universities often are in more expensive cities.
https://thetab.com/2026/03/06/watch-out-these-are-the-20-uk-uni-cities-where-rent-is-the-most-expensive-for-students

She has - the OP'S other thread states this.

@Thechaseison71 so you can see the price comparison between your DC’s uni, my DC’s uni and Liverpool differs widely. And depending on maintenance loan will determine whether it covers rent costs or not

https://www.lboro.ac.uk/services/accommodation/on-campus/fees-facilities/

These are Loughborough costs, and as I stated previously you are not guaranteed first (or second or even sometimes 4th or 5th choice)

And if you are going with insurance or clearing choice of uni your choice of accommodation could be limited even more, no matter how much research a student has done

I didn’t go home in the summer hols when I was at uni 30 years ago, the main reason being I had a part time job already in my uni city. If I’m honest though I didn’t want to go home and lose my independence, my mum was over bearing and immediately slipped back into treating me like a 10 year old again.

I’m not saying your dd feels this way but it’s hard to move back home once you’ve tasted independence. Try and arrange a couple of visits to see her over the summer.

No matter how close I was to my DD, a potential romance would trump everything for a late-teen.

Having now read your previous posts and all your comments here OP, I think you need to start building your own life.
Your daughter is becoming a woman and needs her own life, away from you unfortunately. It’s a really important part of the growing up process. I have 5 siblings and watching everyone’s approaches to parenting, it’s the parents who have their own rounded lives that have the most well adjusted adult children.
Join some groups, a book group, an exercise class, tap dancing, ceramics, the list really is endless. You may or may not make a friend, but it will nurture you as a person and give you things to talk to your daughter about.
You clearly feel abandoned by her and she will naturally feel smothered by that, try to make her feel safe to walk her own path and she will come back to you on her own.
I wish you well OP x

I would try and see a counsellor and talk through your emotions. Your daughter is doing a very reasonable thing and it's you who seemingly is caught off guard and struggles to let go, comparing yourself to others (on social media). Talk all this through with a professional as there might be a hidden reason why you feel more than just disappointment.

How nasty

What a kind and understanding post. I'm sure the OP didn't open up just so she could get a good kicking from some people here.

Those news articles are highlighting how tragic it is for those adults to not be able to start a life of their own, it’s not a feel good news item or something to want to emulate.

When I went to uni, I went home every weekend the first year and all the holidays because that’s what my mum expected. I started to resent it and my uni mates were constantly asking why I was always going home and to stay and do things with them. I missed out on so much socially because I was always leaving when other people had free time to make plans. She was also very controlling with my time when I was home and wanted to know my schedule all the time (although she would never have been able to recognise that) and it was overbearing after living alone as the adult I was. I tried to wean myself off and ended up working abroad one summer, partly as an excuse to not have to go back. I then met my boyfriend (now husband) and we moved in together. A big, in fact huge, part of not going home often was because of my mum just being ‘too much’. I’m sorry to say that you also sound ‘too much’. Loving her and enjoying time with her is entirely normal but so is letting a 19/20 year old live their own life.

Lovely you can afford the £45k. Most cannot

Does no one work at Uni anymore?

And yet 60% of UK residents have less than £5k of savings but all can afford to support children at Uni.

Is that not a contradiction within itself?

My pocket money was pulled when I spent it on cigs.

My weekly food money for Uni was pulled when I spent it on booze then asked for more for food.

I pulled my daughter's Uni support when she told her Nan to fuck off. Guess what, she learned some respect, apologised and we moved on.

All money is based on terms

The point was whatever support I gave was not conditional on the DC coming home or anything else
I am not going to justify what I paid

Of course - but given the cost of rent/halls and basic living expenses, a part-time job in a bar or shop doesn’t go anywhere near as far as it used to.

Some do but it’s difficult to get a pt job - min wage and NI changes have had a big impact. Plus lots of employers want total flexibility and year round commitment. Given the economy people who are flexible and able to work year round are available to take the jobs. Mine works in summer holidays but has had zero luck in uni city (there’s 3 unis and an art college) despite 2 years fast food experience in sixth form.
The expected parental contribution is set out.
My DD’s loan is under £5000 and rent excluding bills £8400. So it’s not a case of a few hours work cutting it they need to have lots of regular hours to make rent and living costs if no parental support.

My DS did. Including a hotel job that was 30 hours a week but left him a lot of free time while there so he did uni work. So the 30 hours at £13..50 plus his loan and he did quite well

What course was he doing that gave him enough time to practically have a full time job whilst studying?

Your sons experience of uni doesnt really mirror most people's usual experience. From the way you describe it he moved into a flat with his girlfriend in the first year which is pretty unusual and had so much spare time on his course he could do a 30hr a week job 🤔