Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

Yes. OP wanted her daughter home for her (OP's) birthday this summer and DD has new bloke and doesn't want to go home.

@Lemonmeringue76 , have you thought about how living in such a rural area could affect your daughter's life? What jobs are available, lack of opportunity, what are living conditions like, having to drive everywhere, insular people that socialize with family or the same friends from school who are busy with their own families, there's a lot of drawbacks to rural living. You yourself are lonely enough you use your daughter for companionship.

Have you ever thought about moving to a larger town where there's more available for yourself?

I think this is quite normal OP. I came home for a few days here and there during uni holidays but mostly stayed in my student accommodation so I could work and shag my unsuitable boyfriend.
My parents lived in a tiny village and there were no jobs for miles, whereas my uni was in a huge city and I could pick up loads of shifts.

Be happy she's settled and enjoying life away from home! My friend has a son who is nearly 40 and he's never moved out. Has a good job and no SEN or anything, just has no drive to ever leave his childhood home, which is very rural and has nothing going on nearby. It's a bit upsetting for her, much as she loves him.

Ouch. As a mother to 4 boys and no daughters I this comment insensitive.
To me, you’re saying mums of boys should just get on with it, but you’re allowed to feel upset as it’s your daughter.
Do you think we miss them any less as they’re boys? Nope.

@PissedOff2020 as the mother of 2 boys ( no girl) I’m well aware that having a daughter is considered the prize and boys are second best. I think this has pushed me into a kind of independence vis a vis my family ( kids are now 19 and 23) and need to cultivate my own garden, which I may have done less if I’d had the kind of enmeshed relationship some have with their daughter(s).

Thats great your DC want to still do those things with you but yours are still young- but if your DC do leave home at 18 to go to Uni you will see how suddenly a whole world opens up to them & often they don't want to come home as often. It's a perfectly natural phase of their lives. They have 3 or 4 years to cram as many experiences and exciting adventures into their lives before graduation and a full time career beckons. We should be encouraging them to spread their wings rather than wishing they wanted to spend their long summer breaks at home with their parents.

Aw OP I'm sorry you're feeling sad, and I think it's fine for you to vent that here.

I'm sure you know in your heart though that the other posters are right when they say it's normal and good that she's independent.

I studied in a city for university, and I remember feeling that pure excitement after a few years when it suddenly felt like it was my home. It was a great time for me, and I loved becoming more than just a student there (although I didn't end up staying on there forever!). You shouldn't want to deny your daughter that.

Yes, I was going to bring this up too!
At least you have a daughter, OP.... not like us poor boy-mums.... 😘

Given how many DC "fail to launch" I think you should be pleased and proud of an independent adult child.

She's your daughter, not your friend - have you got friends to do all those things with?

I understand why you are feeling sad about this, but please don't let on to your DD how you are feeling. If you guilt trip her you'll just push her away. She's obviously enjoying uni life and her new found independence. I would much rather have this than a child who was desperately home-sick. Is DD your only child? Is this why her not coming home has affected you to such an extreme degree?

My DD did a midwifery degree so didn't even get a long summer holiday. I was just grateful for the odd weeks or long weekends when she was able to come home.

It's okay to be disappointed but once you've got your head round it, plan some nice things for yourself over the summer: a nice holiday, weekends away, meeting up with friends. Perhaps you could also arrange to visit her for a few days?

YUBVVU and appear to be thoroughly over-invested in the relationship with your daughter.

Our children are only 'on loan to us from life', and if you've done your job properly then she will be spreading her wings and building a life in which you are - for now - a bit player. If she's as close to you as you think then she'll come back later in her life.

For now, stop being so self-centred, be delighted for her and let her go. Find a life of your own to enjoy.

God, I never came home from uni for the summer, I was busy working away in America then travelling for the whole time. I’d have been bored silly stuck at home with mum for 3 months with my friends all at uni or working. Can’t imagine my mum acting like this about it, she was so encouraging of me spreading my wings.

OP, gently, you are being incredibly selfish here. As a parent it’s not about you, you have to let them spread their wings and let go. Be happy for her that she’s enjoying where she is enough to want to stay there. I mean, do you want her to be miserable there and waiting to come home to you all the time?

You need to let go of her now, this is what having young adult children is about.

Your summer shouldn’t be dependent on her entertaining you. Do you have a hobby, friends, a holiday you can go on with someone? She can’t be your whole world, that responsibility isn’t fair on her and isn’t hers to carry and it’s not her job to entertain you all summer.

I was your daughter, I didn’t ever go home for the holidays during the uni but it had absolutely nothing to do with my mum. Honestly? I hated being in my hometown, I didn’t have the best time during school and I felt like a different, better person being away. No reflection whatsoever on my mum she’s my best friend in the world and we’re so close. I visited for weekends and she comes up to stay with me a lot! We live 3.5 hours apart now but we text every day and she comes to stay with me every month (I have two kids under 3 so it’s a lot easier for her to come to me). Not living together/distance doesn’t define your relationship, don’t worry.

Children leaving the nest is always bittersweet but be proud you've raised a daughter who wants to go out into the big wide world and earn her own money. While it's not the same could you get a hotel for a couple of days and visit her city? Young adults very much enjoy being treated to a nice meal out in my experience.

Please!! let her grow up and away.

It's time to think about your own life. It can't be a surprise to you that children grow up and have lives of their own?

The more you pull, the more she’ll push

This. My kids always came home but were either working, meeting up with their friends, staying over at friends after parties and nights out etc. in other words, living their best lives. If we spent any time together it was rare and a privilege. It’s a time to learn how to be independent.

Is He not coming home for the holidays? What about Christmas? @Youshouldbestrongerthanme

I really do understand, op. What a difference from last summer! I hope you’ll be ok and find creative ways to enjoy your summer, please don’t let yourself mooch about! It’s wonderful you’ve got such a great relationship with your daughter and she has been close for so long, and she will be back with you at other times and you can share experiences again. The time you share with her will be precious. It’s fine to tell her you miss her and love her as long as you keep it light, so that she doesn’t feel her wings are clipped. Take good care of yourself this summer, sow some seeds that will nourish you, going forward into the next phase!

Have you tried talking to her and see if she would like to book a holiday just the two of you. Then you’ll get time together and she will still have her independence - which is what you’ve been raising her so well toward.

Ahhh…OP - I read a great article in the Times a few months ago that said parenting was a series of goodbyes, and each one you grieve. Absolutely brilliant article and captured the pain of losing each life stage perfectly. I’m sorry you are going through it now, but there will be more with your daughter in the future…just different. Be proud that you’ve raised her to be strong, confident, smart, self-reliant and independent. You’ve obviously been an excellent mum. ♥️

Why would I be paying his food

And his utilities were included in his rent

I am not talking about you and your situation though @Thechaseison71 I am trying to answer this question that you asked at 13.20 today:
"Iim not sure on whether it's normal or not but I don't understand the funding thing. If you are paying for them ( I never did) why would it close less if they were at home leaving empty accomodation"
If you are paying for them why would it cost less if they were at home.
That was your question. I have endeavoured to answer it, though I have obviously wasted my time.