Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I agree 100%.

Also it is normal for children to receive financial support from parents while they are in education, even if they have a part-time/holiday job, assuming parents can afford it of course.

I don't know a single university student who doesn't receive financial help from their parents in some way or another. OP is also paying rent to cover 52 weeks of the year regardless of whether her DD stays there or not, so it's not like she's forking out extra money either.

Exactly. OP isn't owed the summer with her daughter just because she pays her rent!

Sorry,I don’t get that
I fully supported my DC at Uni ,no loans etc ,and would not have withdrawn that support because they didn’t come home

@Ally886 the loan system is set up for parent contributions, not many students would be able to go to uni without parent financial contributions nowadays

What a disgusting attitude.
She's at university. Very very few students can afford to support themselves through university - the loan system is based upon parental support.

Have you asked her why?

Well that’s a discussion to be had when they choose their course and uni then isn’t it?

if you don’t feel you should be supporting your dd if she goes to uni in a different city then she makes that choice on that basis.

what you don’t do is offer your child financial support if she goes to her chosen uni, then use it to guilt trip her into doing what you want, or change the conditions half way through when she isn’t coming home for the holidays.

My oldest son lives in South East Asia. When he first started travelling, I struggled with the time he was away and looked forward to him being back. My youngest son had also moved out to live by himself. I ached with empty nest syndrome. Their Dad had died when they were teenagers (we were divorced) so they were my whole life. The longer my eldest son lived away, the easier it got, initially I took it a bit personally but came to realise, it wasn't about me at all and about him living his best life. I now have different friends, interests and when he comes back from Vietnam in 3 weeks, I look forward to seeing him, getting him a 'welcome home' package, plan meals out and spend time with him. I know I will count down the days to him going back but he is happy so is my youngest son. Its just a part of life. I have created two, independant, creative, respectful members of society that I am proud of.
I feel your pain but it becomes something different. They're always at the end of the phone.
Hope this helps.

Would you normally do spa days, holidays, lunches when she lived at home?

initially I took it a bit personally but came to realise, it wasn't about me at all and about him living his best life.

@Carolinesthirdeye I feel the same way and I’m so excited for DD when she has interesting opportunities.

I agree that supporting your children through whichever university they go to is part of parenting and most parents plan for this if they have any spare money

Read all your posts and I think it’s the shock/realisation that she may never live full time with you again

Giving up the flexible home job - because she knows she’s not coming back

Kindly, I know you say she is your most favourite person in the world, but 1 - that can be quite pressuring, and 2 - she may not feel the same way

Are you still with your DH/DP - you’ve really not mentioned them much at all. Maybe it’s time for you to do things as a couple and for yourself

Find things to fill the gaps and don’t wallow in the devastation

I have 1 of each - dd on degree apprenticeship mostly at home, sometimes away and out a LOT! Then ds who left at 16 for army training last year, and we don’t see him for weeks at a time. Bit gutting when he gets leave and buggers off on a lads holiday instead of home - but we FaceTime and make the most of seeing him when we can

DH and I are doing more together, nights out and trips away that we couldn’t do when they were dependent

It’s the next stage of life. Ok to be sad, but being devastated and wanting to be back in the past is not healthy

Big hug and get planning something you will enjoy

I was born abroad to a British father and went to uni here. It was brilliant for my independence and growth as I was quite a young 18, and my mother was a bit of a helicopter (I am her only child). I didn’t come home much for summers, maybe for a week or two, as I was working and socialising. I ended up staying in the UK after meeting my ex-husband and have established my career/family here. I think my mother felt much as you are now at the time, but she seems to reflect on it positively at this stage where I’m now in my mid-30’s and very much self-sufficient. She’s got friends whose adult children are very much in the “failure to launch” mold and talks proudly about how she’s happy to have a child who made their own way.

if your daughter is doing her own thing and making her own life, it seems understandable that you are sad about not having her around as much, but it sounds like a pretty normal progression. And from what I’ve inferred from your post, she’s in commutable distance. Could be worse- my mother travels 6,000 miles twice a year to see her kid and grandkids!

I read she's a single who sacrificed a lot for her daughter. She's allowed to feel the way she does. She's a mother who's grieving. That's what I got from her previous and current thread. She doesn't deserve to bullied by keyboard warriors looking to take her down a pegg or two.

Many students survive without the bank of mum and dad. They go to work. Not all families can afford two houses.

She’s not being bullied.

Yes, she’s sacrificed for her daughter but that’s a very bog-standard part of being a parent. It doesn’t make her special or deserving or her DD’s everlasting devotion because of it.

On her old thread she talked about not wanting her DD to live away and how it was normal for families to be together almost all the time. I felt stifled reading it - I can’t imagine how her DD must feel living it.

@Shitshowpolitics I doubt many students do nowadays. DS bless him wanted to be self sufficient, even though only got minimum loan. He was adamant he could cope with money he earned and was very stubborn. He managed a year! We were happy to support him and in fact that is what is expected from parents as the amount of loan is based on parental income. A student should not be disadvantaged because their parents earn too much. At the very least parents should top up to maximum loan amount (we gave extra to DS in the other years to make up for year 1 and also to cover reduced working hours as his part time job was in hospitality and the business was struggling for a while)

Up until the age of 18 of course after that no not really. I left home at 19 and had no support I still visited my family. Ops DD is an adult she doesn't have to keep taking hand outs. If she is going to accept her mother's support then she needs to show some appreciation. I don't think the answer is to ghost her mother. It's not her DD money paying the rent so she won't see the value or sacrifice op has made. It's like taking all the toilet paper for yourself and forgetting their is other people in the household. In the real world people don't like selfishness.

It does depend on where the university is and the cost of accommodation near the university. I was looking at universities in London and the accommodation prices was jaw dropping. Most of the accomodations wanted the money upfront.

My oldest went to uni outside of London she paid for her first year in the uni halls £2400 per term then she went to live in student housing in her second year which was cheaper at £300 a month. Then back to uni halls and paid £1600 per term. The first year was a struggle but the second and third year wasn't and she managed. She's in year 4 and is about to finish. I am proud of her independence and her resilience.

Not sure if you will trawl your way this far in the comments, but perhaps you can take comfort from my own experience. My much loved daughter didn't come back from uni for the summer from the second year onwards and we ended up living in different countries for several years, so I really missed her. However, once she was married and decided to start a family, I relocated (with her and her partner's blessing) to be nearby for childcare a couple of times a week, sometimes more. Now I see her regularly and am an integral part of their lives. You cannot know what the future holds, but it's a good thing that she is independent and has job options, so please be happy for her! You will undoubtedly have good times together in the future, so don't risk alienating her by being clingy now.

@Shitshowpolitics have you given her any financial help? Does she get maximum loan? Sorry if you have mentioned this before. Was £300 per month including bills?

How long ago were you 19?

The world is very different these days.

Bills was not included. It wasn't that expensive they split the WiFi, electric and heating bill between them. She received the minimum loan and worked. It's a life skill she needed to learn. It builds confidence, resilience and responsibility. Which she needs for when she works for herself.

Yes I wasn't financially supporting my DS with the exception of a box of food basics and he took bedlinen towels crockery from home for his student flat.

He had loan and was working both term time and holidays