Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

Yes it would still cost me more if he was eating my food and using my utilities.

And if I was paying for his accomodation ( which includes utilty bills) id be paying twice

Simple.

Tbh I’m sure I’ll have a harder time getting rid of my DS than my DD! 😂

Just a joke, I don’t really want to get rid of either of them.

Only I can’t see DD having any difficulty spreading her wings but DS I can imagine staying at home doing something like an apprenticeship and being in no hurry to move out.

I would feel proud of yourself op for bringing up your DD to feel confident and independent and not scared or anxious about living without you. Don’t worry, she will come back to the family home after graduation. Just book trips to see her/ weekend away for her birthday on a city break with her etc.

She obviously feels secure enough to do what she wants to do. My mother, who had undiagnosed Group B personality issues, would have caused a huge scene if I had ever not gone to see her when she wanted me to. (Which included after they retired to the med.) I lived in fear of her. Give yourself a big pat on the back that your relationship with your daughter is so healthy and then give yourself permission to indulge in a new hobby or an extra holiday and reconstruct your spare time.

Wow, some of the comments. The OP is totally within her rights to be sad. And to question things. Some people really need to have a word with themselves on here

The OP is totally within her rights to be sad.

But to say she's "devastated" ? That is rather OTT, and it could be a really difficult burden for her DD to carry. Her DD has to make her life as an adult away from her mother.

The OP needs to develop her own life and friends, and not use her DD as an emotional crutch.

You should definitely be careful how you communicate this disappointment to her. I’m very independent and would have felt extremely smothered by hearing any of what you have said from my mother. It definitely would have pushed me away. I think now’s the time for you to get new things in your life, look forward not back. It’s likely when she older and has a family herself etc she’ll come back but now it’s really good she’s making her way in the world.

Sorry, I really do mean this constructively, but you sound very needy. Perhaps she finds you a bit stifling.

Never be too desperate it puts offspring/ people off imho.

I do understand how you must feel, life is all about a good balance. I’m sure you’re very proud of her.

I think it's natural OP to be sad but saying you're paying to make yourself unhappy is entirely unreasonable.

Yes children make us happy and we enjoy their company but a healthy parent/child relationship does not mean making your child SOLELY responsible for your happiness. It's an extremely unfair burden to place on them.

Your daughter is a person in her own right and she entitled to build a life of her own, where she wants and spend her time how she wants. She's isn't responsible for ensuing you're happy all the time or not lonely. It's your job as a parent to help give your child the skills to be an independent adult. And also your responsibility to build your own life outwith being a parent with friends and interests. It isn't your daughters job to fill this gap for you.

That’s unkind

And this is complete bollocks. Can't you not see how offensive this is.

I have two sons. Do you think I'd love a girl more? Want to spend time with some daughter more? It's such stereoptypical nonsense.

My husband mum is a VERY involved and loving grandmother to our children. We see her twice a week minimum. And I have two brothers and my mum is equally close to us all.

These posts really are annoying. It's OP who is unkind by having such emotional expectations from her own dd,

She herself said

I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.
She is looking at her normal parental financial support as shooting herself in the foot as her dd is becoming independent. That's so upsy turvy and self-centred.

Calling out emotional blackmail and pressure is not unkind. The OP is clearly set in her own ways and will not be told, by posters or her own dd.

If OP is into bragging, she should put up a post saying how among her dd is doing and so independent so proud hon......

I'm sorry, op, but I think you're hurting yourself with some of how you're thinking about this.

Your dd has already moved out. She lives in her flat. Even if she came home, she would be visiting. I'm certain she feels her home is the flat that is hers and she lives in most of the time.

I think you could take pleasure in this! She's obviously independent and thriving, and that's wonderful! There's nothing good about having a young adult who feels trapped at home, she's obviously ready to be independent. You have clearly done a great job as her parent to get her to this point!

But, she isn't your friend to keep you company. She's a young women living her own life. I think you need to look to your own friendship circle for people to do those activities with.

It's not - it's valid.

OP is bitching that her DD is living away from home (normal), being supported by her mum (normal) and yet isn't coming back home - as though she owes her mum a visit because money has been spent on her

It just shows she is growing up and has her own independence, yes we all miss our children when they fly the nest but it’s selfish to expect otherwise. Enjoy the time you do spend together and try not to be so needy, she’s a young independent woman who probably doesn’t want to spend all summer with her mum!

It is hard isn't it. I miss my son so much! I expected him to come home for the full summers when he started uni last year but as this year went on, it became more and more apparent that this wouldn't be the case. At Easter he came home for 1 of the 2 weeks.

He finished on Tuesday is coming home this weekend for 48 hours then going back. He has to be out of halls by mid June and then has a week of house sitting, a 3 week trip and a weekend away planned as well as visiting friends who have stayed in their uni town for the summer. He will be home in between. He gets the keys to the house for year 2 in August and while there is no rush for him to move in, I expect he will want to and will likely spend more time there than here after that.

Next year, they plan to stay in the same house so will not be coming home other than to visit. I am going to make the most of his visits home and my visits to him. I am happy he is happy, has found his people and is making plans no matter how much I miss him.

Yes, it is very unkind indeed. Callous, mean spirited, and cynical, in fact.

The OP-kickers are on every thread. They're intensely boring.

Of course it's natural to miss your children and be sad when they move out. I don't think anyone would argue with that.

But this seems beyond this. The OP states she wishes her daughter to be living with her when she's in her mid-late twenties. That's not healthy at all, to wish for your child to not gain independence skills and the life experience that comes with living on your own or with fiends or with a partner.

Yes it can he hard to let go, but it's life and part of parenting. The OPs daughter at some point will meet a partner, maybe have a family of her own and she should be free to do so without thinking she needs to stay at home forever more to meet some unmet need of her mothers.

Or they've read OP's previous threads and know there's a lot more going on here than OP is admitting to.

She's working. She's an adult now. Be happy for her. Plan a visit and give her space. Paying her rent is your contribution to her future. There shouldn't be strings attached. Be disappointed but if he tell her know that you are manipulating her and she will feel it

Yes this. ^ And also the post by @MesonBoson (from 14 May) was NOT callous and nasty and unkind. It was at worst sarcastic.

Good grief I'll be glad when mine stays away all summer. Number one it means she is being independent and living her life and number two I wont have to move my clothes collection out of her wardrobe.

But she obviously doesn't want to do this. She is preferring more independence and that is actually a good thing.
I think that the posters who are being hard on the op are thinking that it sounds as if the op might be too dependent on her DD to meet her emotional needs.

Having suffered ( and I do mean suffered) a mum who wanted to be emeshed, I strongly feel that children ( even grown up ones) should never be there to meet parents' emotional needs. Of course it is lovely when you can have connection with your adult offspring but you shouldn't be reliant on it to feel ok.

To be fair, if my daughter was independent enough to spread her wings in another city she's independent enough to not need financial help from mummy