Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I live in Germany where you generally pay for accommodation for the whole year so that when children leave for university they never come home except for a visit. This suited me to be honest. It would have suited me as a student as I dreaded going home in the vacations.

I’m sorry you’re sad but a son is no different to a daughter, I miss them both the same, they might stay away more but doesn’t make it easier

But she might have lost her university job - as others have said. Moreover, she's 20 - the difference the past year has made to her maturity and independence is absolutely massive and it's very common indeed for adult children to want much greater independence once they've done their second year at university.

I did go home (we're going back to the late 70s here) because staying in my university city wasn't an option (we didn't pay for 52 weeks in those days) but I was away travelling and working abroad quite a lot in the summers. By the time I had finished my second year, just a few days at home drove me insane with claustrophobic frustration - I wanted to be away, with my friends, not stuck in child mode in my bedroom at my parents' house.

OP - you just have to let her go. It's never going to be how it used to be.

Just popped back to this thread to say it’s been one of those rare threads that gave me a real reality check. I’ve realised I’ve been being really miserable with people around me for a while.

Not directly relevant to the thread but has been a reminder that it won’t stand me in good stead when the kids leave home - and obviously is a crappy way to feel anyway.

Other thread that had that affect recently was the woman who had to be last to order in cafes / restaurants.

Yes me too - my parents live in a little village but my uni only offered term time accommodation- so had to go back for quite a lot of the year.

Really hated that after being an independent adult - and being able to see friends easily every day without transport nightmares and making arrangements.

No one wrote book, or really mentions THIS part of parenting but it's silently Heartbreaking. It's Sad..all the negative emotions. But , sister TRY volunteering at a Respite Centre for children who cannot leave their parental home, for one reason or another. We should be celebrating our Successful offspring who want to leave- who want to GO out into the big wide world 🌐; but where does that leave us...?????..Unfortunately: our children Leave just when they are becoming interesting to- be- with and it SUCKS !!!!!!

I think this is what happens when accomodation contracts are 51-52 weeks a year.

We did see DD1 second summer and will this but she not living here - and won't be back till Sepetmber to live and then only she doesn't get work - there are more mates round in the summer in uni city than here. I think DS will be the same - he'll be back over this summer and then will likely see but not live here again till he graduates.

First summer with DD1 she didn't come back straight away waited till end of contract and then stayed few weeks at IL then got new place as soon as she could few weeks before term.

They don't seem unhappy with us - come on hoilday and meet up with us - just have their own space in a different city.

I'd echo PP make plans to head up and see her.

My boys come home every term time but I do think staying away is good for you and a sign that you are moving on with your life. The fact that you are so devastated suggests that you are too invested in your daughter as a source of companionship - you need her more than she needs you.

Dont mean that to sound too harsh but you must be aware that you need to widen your activities / social life so that you are not so dependent on your daughter as the likelihood is she is going to become more independent not less.

Hope you manage to adjust and maintain your close relationship.

That what I had term time accomodation so lots of back and forth and it was hard as there were many restrictions at home.

It wasn't untill post graduate masters at different uni - where I was told living with parents and commuting in to save more debt wasn't on the cards despite them suggesting it as reason to choose such a close uni - and got a longer housing contract.

I was then back for a begrudged by parents two months sleeping on a sofa downstairs before proper graduate job started and moved away.

So I'm keen our kids know they can always come back but that they do not have to.

You had my sympathy until this comment. Why should mothers of sons just expect not to see their child when they go to uni. I was heartbroken when all mine moved out, but also happy they were thriving and moving on with their life. She isn’t going to the other side of the world and I’m sure you will see her.

She's an adult and is becoming independent, and this is a good thing - and reflects well on how you brought her up. It's natural that she should move away from you and create her own life. Let her go, and she will always be around for you.

When I left for Uni I’d started a new chapter and considered my new life away from my parental home
My kids are much the same

One at Uni will be coming home because he has a summer job here.
One at Uni won’t as he has a job he needs to maintain or he’ll lose it.
One is doing a Masters that doesn’t finish till September.

We’ll visit the two that are away during the summer

It’s a new chapter of independence for them.

God I get being sad about it but this feels a lot - wishing she would stay closer, wishing she felt financially forced to move home until well into her 20s, resenting paying for her to live? You should be absolutely beside yourself with pride and relief that your daughter is confident enough to live her own life and financially stable enough (including via you) to swerve some of the things holding so many early-mid-20s young people back nowadays from really launching into adult life. She might be your favourite person in the world but she's her own person and you should be pleased that she's living her life and to a better standard than most students/grads will get to at her age. Not wistfully dreaming of a world where she didn't feel able to spread her wings because you'd miss her.

My parents never got a long summer with me because I studied nursing. Sorry, but it’s quite normal.

Ah see my DS was 48 weeks I think k but he was able to leave his stuff in and go back there. Maybe he could've stayed, I don't know as he was abroad the first year before returning and the 2nd year he left and moved into a flat with girlfriend in Aug It was a " student village" as such though. His utilities, wifi etc were included in the cost ( which he paid not me)

As for feeding at family is cheaper Well not for me as id only be feeding myself without him there and he eats far. More than me. And my utility bills would definitely do up

In halls in my first year, you only paid during term-time. I then had a student house with three others for my final two years, and unfortunately I cannot remember if we paid year-round. I have a feeling we only paid during term-time, as everyone else in the house went home during the hols too. It wasn't even a question that we would stay. Even if we were paying rent year-round, there's still living expenses, and as I said, wages were seriously crappy before the National Minimum Wage.

DS never went in halls He couldn't see the point of them. More money for less accomodation

I did this to my poor mum. It was a last minute decision and, for what it's worth, I felt the loss of that last summer at home too, it just took longer to hit me. My mum was understandably devastated to lose that time but she was so understanding and supportive as well and I love her for it. Do book in some time to go and spend with her and work on building the relationship you'd like to have with her as an independent adult going forward.

She’s spreading her wings. Be proud of her. 👍

Daughter left the country for uni aged 18 and never came back! We raise them to let them go.....thats our role!

Daughters aren't different and they don't automatically stay closer. She isn't your best friend she is your daughter and your language about being 'your favourite person in the world' is suffocating.

I grew up with someone whose mother was like this - she moved away for uni and didn't come back.

I went to University and spent every summer away from home working.
I have encouraged my sons to do the same.

While I understand you were looking forward to seeing DD, you should be glad of her independence. Start planning your life and adventures, go visit DD, live the life you want.

Oh, our halls were cheap. Not surprisingly, since there was no central heating and two loos/bathrooms for about 25 students. And SO scruffy. They've been knocked down now and replaced with pure luxury!

As for feeding at family is cheaper Well not for me as id only be feeding myself without him there and he eats far. More than me. And my utility bills would definitely do up
Yes, but if you were paying his bills at University as well as your own (which is, if I understood you correctly, the situation you were asking about) the total cost would almost certainly be less if you were living together even for part of the year. A large loaf is cheaper than two small ones, 500g mince does not cost anywhere near twice a 250g pack, two people watching tv in the same room with the lights and heating on costs no more than one, and certainly less than two people heating and lighting separate rooms and so on.
Not that I am suggesting that there's only one "right" way to do things or that every student should come home in the Summer, but you said that you couldn't see how a student living at home in the holidays would be cheaper. Well that's how- living alone is almost always going to be the least cost efficient way of doing things. Obviously if you are not paying for the other person it doesn't apply, but if you are paying all the bills, from a purely economic point of view, it makes sense to have one multi person household rather than multiple single person ones.

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but you need to accept your daughter is an adult with her own life. From the sounds of it, your friends need to accept this about their own children as well !!!

Your children are adults, your active parenting days are over unless requested. You should be proud to have raised an independent adult 🙂