To not feel obliged to work full time?

[Dariara]

I went part-time when I had my first child, and my second is starting school in Sept.

DP and I pay 50% of the mortgage and household bills each (before I went part time, and throughout maternity leave, I paid more). I said I would go back to full-time work when DC were at school but now… I don’t want to? AIBU?

Work part-time if you want to and presumably you’d be equally happy for your husband to work part time too.

Same old, same old mumsnet.

All money is joint money here j til it’s the wife who is the higher earner.

He considers his sons (and the girlfriends he may never even have met).
Does he consider/love you?
Please stay part time.
You sound like a good, hardworking, gracious and uncomplaining person.

I work in the NHS and the majority of women there do not go back to full time after having kids. I’m 4 days a week and that suits me and my husband would never pressurise me to go FT. He’s got a cheek.

I was expecting part time to be 3 days a week. You are working 4!!! Definitely keep the extra day off. It’s hard to keep up on top household chores when working 5 days. Especially when you want to spend time with your children.

Did you miss the bit where OP said he does less than half of the housework and child care, and that if she were to go full time this wouldn’t change. So she’d be working full time, bringing in more money and still doing the bulk of everything else. Do you think that’s a fair partnership?

Then he should have only had enough children to still afford that lifestyle. That’s all on him, not your problem.

And even more so when the other parent doesn’t pull his weight when it comes to housework and the kids.

OP is not foregoing her obligations though, she still pays her allocated share and does more housework than him.

If he wants more space, money etc to accommodate his other children, that should fall on him. I don’t expect my DP to foot the bill for my DD.

Except it’s not his wife
And it is his expectation, not a jointly made decision
but hey, don’t bother to let the facts get in the way of your little rant

DP wants more money for a big house and more holidays?
He needs to find a job that earns as well as yours then, doesn’t he? Cheeky fucker.

You shouldn’t be paying half if you’re not earning the same

We seem to have had a spate of posts from people critical of OP who can't manage to read her posts. All this talk of divorces, husbands, wives, DP being hard done to because he can't go part time.

I originally thought YABU (on reading the initial post), but given everything you shared, I have changed my mind. If you can still pay "your share" of household costs, and have your own savings, retirement provision etc then why not?

It doesn't feel like you're a true 'partnership' as such - it feels from your posts that he looks out for himself and is happy to rest on your earning power and you paying for everything, with you doing the majority of household chores also. At the same time, I don't see you getting any benefits from the relationship, as such (not that life should be transactional).

But don't stay working full time just to pay for his holidays and a big house for his kids - if you want more time for yourself and the kids - and you can afford it, why not do it.

Also, I think you're smart not to marry him as you don't want to deal with potential spousal support, or him taking half your personal savings and pension.

Oh, no, don't make a list - he can sit down with you and make the list. Then tick off the ones he's going to take over, then, once he's been doing them all his own for 6 months, then think about going full time (if you want to)

After my second, I wanted to get back to a proper job (I'd been freelancing) and ex was all happy about it and the idea of the money and agreed he'd split drop offs etc. Then I got 2 excellent offers, and suddenly he couldn't possibly take advantage of his flexi-time to drop the kids off at the minder and get into work 30 minutes later (and have a shorter commute because traffic was significantly less at that time) thinking back, maybe because the offers were for more money than him, with great benefits. So I had the choice of trying to do it all, or turn down the jobs.

In the end I found a remote job with decent pay that let me do it all, and the relationship hobbled on for another few years, but that was the beginning of the end for me. I only kick myself sometimes that one of the jobs had share options that would have made me a millionaire by now - although who knows - the commute/time without kids might have ended it all sooner anyway.

If DH doesn't want to work less then you working four days per week is affording the whole family some sanity, comfort and is a buffer for children to be sick etc.

You are lowering stress levels.

If you did earn more, you could pay more into your pension.

You say you already save and do not want to splurge on a larger home or holidays.

I have voted YABU as you made a joint decision to go part time until school and then go back full-time. You are now going back on this agreement. I am not saying you are wrong wanting to stay part-time (i worked full time so fully understand how difficult this is) but the decision again has to be unilateral.

Have you read the updates where OP already contributes 50% financially as she is a higher earner and the DH is not prepared to take on any extra housework or childcare…

A decision influenced by the fact that the partner has failed in his commitment to share the load.

She has no more broken any agreement than he has - if anything his refusal to pick up his share of the load is part of the decision.

Then is he willing to shoulder more of the DC care/admin and household chores to facilitate that?
As if you are doing more hours and contributing a higher percentage then he needs to step up at home with that. How would he cope with it?

Also, id set out expectations ie spending/saving.

Even whilst PT, the OP covers 50% of the bills and mortgage. She is an equal partner financially and has been even whilst PT. As the partner has made it clear he’s not willing to step up to do 50:50 when it comes to childcare and housework, he has also effectively gone back on his agreement. Therefore she shouldn’t have to seek his approval. They don’t financially need the money, he wants her to fund a bigger house and more holidays for him

I always worked full-time. Would never affect my pension and prospects by cutting back my work. Yes, it was an expensive struggle, but now I am so glad I did. Men don't hang around if they feel like pastures new and I don't hold my hand out to anyone.

I was always pert time once my kids were born. I went back to work full time last September when my youngest started secondary school.

I would love to be able to work part time in order to do pick up and clubs with my girls. Mine isn’t due to money it is my job when I was part time after my first still seemed to require full time hours as meetings kept being scheduled during my days off so I might as well be paid for the time I work. I say if you are paying half and still have enough for savings then stay part time and enjoy it!

The thing is, this is because in my opinion the DH often minds less about the baby or child going into full time care than the mother does, when it is so obviously a substandard level of care in comparison to looking after your own children. So the mother making a sacrifice to actually take care of her own children at the expense of her career and earning capacity has somehow been reframed as them making their own choice to be part time and earn less.

When what they are really doing is adding way more value to their children’s lives through loss of their own income earning capacity.

OP it sounds like any extra money you earned he would want to swallow up in additional expenses and mortgage payments, so effectively losing a day off means transferring the benefit of your day off to extra money for him.

Unless you can ring fence all the extra money you’d earn, don’t do it.