To not feel obliged to work full time?

[Dariara]

I went part-time when I had my first child, and my second is starting school in Sept.

DP and I pay 50% of the mortgage and household bills each (before I went part time, and throughout maternity leave, I paid more). I said I would go back to full-time work when DC were at school but now… I don’t want to? AIBU?

Not at all, I only went full time when my youngest started reception because of WFH coming in and having more flexibility.

Your DH is seeing this as more money will be good for your family, but he’s not considering who is going to do do all the stuff you do now on your “day off”, you will both be more stressed and tired, plus you will have an extra day of wrap around care to cover

If you can afford it as a family then do whatever works for you!

I can see both sides here.

On the one hand, if my DP and I had agreed that they would go to work FT once the kids started school, and I'd been looking forward to being able to move to a house with more space, maybe have some spare cash for holidays etc and then they decided they didn't want to, I can't honestly say I wouldn't be disappointed.

On the other hand, he can't force you to work FT if you don't want to. If one person in the relationship is happy with the current standard of living and the other one isn't, the onus should be on the partner who isn't happy to change their circumstances. But then maybe he's already working as hard as he can and doesn't have as much earning potential.

Stay PT until Senior School. It will be much easier to work round. Little ones get sick, play after school with friends, swimming lessons, clubs etc

I can’t cope Full time I’ve tried a few times and it never works out . I can pick extra shifts whenever I want (nurse)

So he wants you to pay 75% of the bills, do 66% of the house maintenance and 75% of the childcare.
Well, he certainly 'knows his worth' 😒.
YANBU, OP.

I think it would be fair enough that he expect you to go full time if it was to pay essentials, if he was struggling with carrying the financial pressure himself, if he was willing to take on more childcare and housework to balance it out. Asking you to give up your luxury (a day off) to fund his (holidays) while offering nothing in return is obviously not reasonable.

I was a bit on the fence about this, but yeah, if he's not going to take on more housework and childcare it would be a no from me.

If he can unilaterally decide he's not doing half of those, I think you can unilaterally decide that you're not working full-time.

This is part of it. He has his eye on a bigger house because his teens want double beds to have their girlfriends to stay over, and ideally a garden room to hang out in. That’s just not a priority for me or worth the trade off of less time with my DC and more stress. The older boys are only here 1 night a week at the moment.

I’m not saying you have to go full time, but just to say having enough spare income each month has meant our DD didn’t need a maintenance loan for uni (she took the tuition fee loan). We have been able to afford to pay her monthly rent, and give her some money for expenses, and she has earned the rest. We didn’t need to save it up in advance.

This

you won’t get many agreeing with you though. Men should work full time and if a woman decides she doesn’t want to that’s fine

And if childcare and houshold duties are split evenly, you have a point.
If not....

I work 4 days a week. DH works 4 days a week. Youngest starts school in September. We are not having any more children. We are neither of us going to work more. I’m 42 this year and quite frankly too tired to work more.

This is over a decade away for me! I do save and invest monthly, I do have spare cash, I am very likely to change jobs or hours over the next decade.

The more you post, the more he sounds like a right twat.

He would not be happy to do more childcare or housework

I love this. How does he then envision all these things happening when you are not at home to do them?

As for wanting a bigger house for double beds so that girlfriends can stay over.... let me get this straight. He wants you to go back to work full time, while continuing to do all the household load, so that his sons can shag their girlfriends in your house once a week?

Pity he didn't have girls. I suspect he's misogtnist enough that he expects any girls to stay chaste and virginal until marriage so would not require double beds for them.

Wanker.

Now imagine this question being asked by a bloke. And the answers. Lol.

Don’t go full time. You’ll still be doing the lions share of the house/child work but having the stress of a full time job on top of it. If he starts doing 50/50 and is consistent with that for at least 6 months, then a conversation could be had.

The OP has already explained that DP refused to reduce his work hours and prefers full time work. At least the poster you agreed with had the excuse of not having that information at the time.

Life is too short and working years are now toooooo long , to work full time. I think anyone , who can work part time - should do so. I am a strong advocate for not working full time, IF your situation allows.

I think he has guilt re: the older boys, and he wants to give them the upbringing he had (big house, lots of holidays, lots of expensive middle-class trappings) but life is much more expensive now than it was decades ago.

I think you are being too kind. He may well want to give them all the things he iddn't have but at the end of the day, he doesn't wnat to provide them - he wants you to. I'd have more sympathy if he said to you that this is really important and that as a family, earning more money can only happen if you work more so how can he accomodate that. But he's not. He's just leaching off you.

And I stand by what I said about him basically wanting YOUR quality of life to decrease so that his sons can have more sex. Ick.

I was full time when DS was a baby and only went part time in preparation for school. It was more important to be to be there for him at that age than it was earlier...although that's only my personal view. I work 9 to 3 every day though so there's no time when I'm actually off without it being childcare.

Hes nearly a teen now and am still part time. Work wouldn't have budget to increase my hours now anyway and its a decent role (the advantage of being secure in a role before reducing hours) but tbh I'm pleased it's not really an option to up them again at the moment.

The difference is though that DH and I are on the same page and it works for us. We don't do 50/50, we look at our lifestyle and what we want for the future and the financial picture overall. If ever there's a time when our perceived benefit of being here for DS after school no longer outweighs the hypothetical extra money we would reevaluate and I'd look for a new job, and being able to split things equally wouldn't factor into the decision at all...I would just increase my hours and it would go into the pot. I don't really know what the answer is for you because there's the potential for resentment on both sides, which is very difficult when there's not really a right or wrong.

Don’t in that case. There’s no benefit to you at all that’s just him wanting things he can’t afford, If you move or want a holiday he has to also pay his 50%.

so he needs to up his pay if he wants those things.

That's a him problem. And if he were that bothered about money, he could've agreed to drop a day when it became clear that you'd do it if he didn't, and the extra money could've gone in a house move pot. But apparently it's only you who can't have their preferred working pattern so his sons can sleep in double beds, instead of shagging in singles like the rest of us did at that age.

Try to make a list of absolutely all the admin and cognitive load you carry for the kids and ask him which he is willing to take on.

And start pointing things out. "Gosh, lucky I was able to take Claudia to the orthodontist today. Would have been tricky if we were both full time. Thankfully neither of us had to take a day off work today because Benji is ill. If we were both full time..."

Once he notices how much of a pain in the arse it will be for him when you're both full time, I suspect his view may change.