To not feel obliged to work full time?

[Dariara]

I went part-time when I had my first child, and my second is starting school in Sept.

DP and I pay 50% of the mortgage and household bills each (before I went part time, and throughout maternity leave, I paid more). I said I would go back to full-time work when DC were at school but now… I don’t want to? AIBU?

But the full timer wants to work full time, and the part timer wants to be part time. They’re not struggling financially, so it would be stupid for them to swap their hours and become unhappy just to make more money for nice-to-haves rather than necessities. Life isn’t all about maximising income.

Op in your shoes I’d stay part time. If he wants more money, it’s up to him to find a way to increase his earnings. You’re contributing equally so I don’t think he gets to force you to work more hours for the stuff that he wants at the expense of what you want.

When our first was born, I pointed out it’d make more sense for him to drop a day at work than me (this was when I paid 3/4 of our outgoings) He said no because he’d rather work. He was against me dropping a day too and wanted to send DC to childcare 50hrs a week from 9 months. I said no.

If he wanted to drop some hours now I’d be fine with that as long as he didn’t expect me to pick up the slack. We could even spend some child-free time together!

As you don't know how many hours either DH or OP are working, it's impossible to state that.

in the majority of relationships men are the higher earners. if they wanted to go part time and used the argument that it was fine because their part time salary was equal to their wife’s part time salary, I don’t think it would go down very well!!

however there are other factors. Will you be doing more than 50% of the housework & childcare? Do you have a comfortable enough lifestyle with you & your Dh’s current income?

I don’t disagree. OP and her DH seem to not be on the same page at all. That makes it hard for OP.

If it were just nice to haves, then why not. I don’t think that has been properly assessed as of yet though. OP hasn’t really thought beyond the daily pay cheque to pay cheque income and outgoings of right here right now.

I work pt, always have since kids and they are grown , but it 1. needs to be a mutual decision 2. it really needs to be avoiding childcare as opposed to extra time off eg I worked 9.30-2.30 mon-fri so no childcare needed in term time and only needed the cheaper short day in school holidays. Working 3 days a week means you are still paying for childcare, have stress of all the rushing around in the evening and the only one who benefits is you , seems less fair

Er no of course not! If you can afford it then why would you even consider FT?!

@Dariara We have a similar set up - husband works 5 days a week, me 4. I earn more than him in 4 days. Like you, I suggested he worked 4 days at various points but he never wanted to (and to be fair I think society or at least some industries still look down on men who work part time). Our kids are now 9 and 10. I've considered returning to full time when both are at high school, but also like you I currently do more childcare and more housework, as I am at home and my husband has a gruelling commute. I also use Fridays for appointments and to minimise family chores at the weekend. If i do go back, we will have to reemploy a cleaner for at least 3 hours a week, so that would suck back some of the extra income. The difference is, my husband is totally happy with me working 4 days a week and sees the benefit it brings to the family. Of course we'd all like more money, but it's got to balance out. I think your husband might see the same when your kids are at school - as many PPs have noted, childcare becomes more difficult in the school years than the nursery years!

He would not be happy to do more childcare or housework.

Our house is perfectly sufficient, as are our holidays, but he views life through material successes and I don’t care so much.

That’s your answer then. When he is prepared to increase his housework and childcare share, you will be prepared to increase your financial share. Until then he can fuck off make do with the status quo.

So he wants you to go back full time but continue to do the bulk of the home/child responsibilities? He’s having a laugh.

If he likes working what stops him pushing further in his own career or moving sideways if necessary?

Fine. But unless he commits to 50:50 when/if she goes full time then it won’t be fair. It’s obviously a huge part of the conversation going forward…

Men that are used to not doing very much around the house and with the kids tend to find it hard to step up when the wife goes FT. Then the wife ends up doing more than her fair share.

Personally if the DH wants more money in the household then he could focus on how he can get a promotion or new job. OP seems to be doing very well for herself.

Ah yes as I predicted he wants to carry on doing very little round the house and with the kids. So you run yourself ragged working full time and doing it all….I knew it!

Say no OP.

If that's how he views life I guess he has to look out for a better paying job then. I think he's a CF asking you to work more while not wanting to work less and do more child and house chores himself. You are both contributing 50/50 financially while you are doing the majority of childcare and domestic chores. He's got a nerve asking you to work more so he can have a more lavish life style. Can he imagine what it would be like if you left him? He should tread very carefully imo because I wouldn't tolerate this.

I think if one person wants the material things they should be the one to earn the money to pay for them!
I’m way more spendy than DH but I earn the money to pay for indulgences (i.e to never have to go camping and call it a holiday!) whereas it sounds like your DH is verging into CF territory - you earn all the money and do most of the child/house work and he spends it on holidays and a fancy house? Bit of a pisstake if you ask me…

YANBU - I dont plan on ever going back full time. The more days you work, the more childcare you have to pay for in half terms and more wrap around care - it's got to be worth it.

I don't know why people push themselves just for the sake. I do as few hours as I can to allow me to pay the bills, have some fun, and put money into savings each month. No way I'd work full time unless I had to. Life is about much, much more than working for most of your waking hours!

It doesn't. OP is contributing more than half overall already, given that she covers 50% of costs, does more than half of household stuff and presumably is more available to their DC than he is on the days he works and she doesn't. It's clearly not all one single pot, wisely as they're not married, so it's up to both of them how they achieve their 50%. Especially the one who does more overall.

I think this is one of those times in a partnership where you have to state your case and stick to it, it seems that you are on completely different pages re this.

In your shoes I would stay part-time rather than farm my kids out to minders and work myself to the bone.

I think lots of people are missing the post about this being a blended family and him having older teens that he pays for.

Stay part time. I’m sure he wants a bigger house; he has more children than you do. It’s not your job to provide it. Nor is it your job to cater to the amount of holidays he wants to have. He’s welcome to increase his earnings rather than expecting you to make up the shortfall between what he wants and what he can afford.

I think you'd be mad to go back full time. I work part time (4 full days a week). I love having one day to myself and catching up on lifemin.

If your DH wants more money for holidays and a bigger house, I suggest he gets a better paying job.

I worked 4 days a week while my children were in primary, but now they are both in secondary, I only do 2 days. I find they need me at home more. Support with homework, emotional support, about 6 different sports clubs a week to taxi them to. When they were little, I could work after they went to bed. Now they are up later and want me present with them, not focusing on the laptop.

For our family, the balance is worth the financial loss. I can get housework done, make sure everyone is eating healthy meals, and it leaves weekends free for us to enjoy as a family.

I’ve recently had to think a lot about this issue (not down to a T the same but somewhat the same principle) because DP announced he’ll be working only 3 days as it still allows him to pay his share of the bills.

It stung a little initially as I work FT to earn the same amount (maybe slightly more) and if it was me I’d probably want to work more to boost our income for holidays and nice things etc but… is it really worth it? A friend just found out he has cancer right after retiring, so is it really worth spending your life at work? We can still afford holidays, days out etc, just not as much I suppose.

His wants for a bigger house don't top your wants for how you spend your time.

As it stands, he's lucky he isn't being held to account to do half the childcare as well.

Stand your ground.

I bet if you agreed to go full time, did him a childcare rota and told him you were putting the full extra earnings into your pension he wouldn't be happy.

Agree that's a significant part of the picture here. But people with 4+ kids can't always have as nice a house and holiday as they might like. C'est la vie.