To not feel obliged to work full time?

[Dariara]

I went part-time when I had my first child, and my second is starting school in Sept.

DP and I pay 50% of the mortgage and household bills each (before I went part time, and throughout maternity leave, I paid more). I said I would go back to full-time work when DC were at school but now… I don’t want to? AIBU?

If it's bothering him, maybe he should get a better paid job.

Because plenty of people have fulfilling careers?

Agree it's odd that the higher earner went PT and I also see minimal value in staying part time if it's just going to be filled with drudge - pay someone to do that with the extra cash.

Quite frankly odd the number of posters who seem to think 2 FT parents is impossible - no wonder we have a productivity issue!

It sounds like you think he is a high level cocklodger

I guess it's more likely for the higher earner to be the man, especially after two mat leaves, so we don't have the same framework. But it's pretty unremarkable for couples not to want a baby in FT childcare and to trade that off for higher earning capacity if they have the option.

So he wants you to be miserable so he can have luxuries then?
He sounds like a real catch OP 🙄

If he wants more for his older
boys then he’s got two options. 1. Get himself a better paid job. 2. Go part time and pick up the slack at home so that you can go full time. Option 1 would seem fairer, they aren’t your children after all but option 2 could be a possibility if you are ok with it. But it seems that neither of these options are attractive to him, he wants you to do all the work. I’d be seriously reconsidering this relationship if I were you.

I ended up in quite a lot of debt by the end of my first maternity leave because I was paying almost all of our household costs, which I had been doing since we started living together, even when I was on stat maternity pay, plus buying almost everything related to his DC (not maintenance).

From that point I told him I’d pay half of our household costs and no more. I’ve stuck to it! He does half the sick days and one day of nursery /school runs a week. I tell him when he needs to step up but I am the default carer.

So I don’t think he’s a cocklodger but he would be given the chance.

I actually dropped my hours when DD1 went to school. I had dropped to 4 days a week when I went back after maternity leave and dropped again to 3 days a week when she started Reception as DD2 had arrived by then.

I had had a plan that I'd increase my hours again when DD2 was settled into school but they're now 9 and 7 and I still work 3 days a week. I think fitting things around school is far harder than nursery. It's up to each individual family but we have no family support locally and we wanted to be able to pick them up after school and take them to clubs a couple of nights a week rather than them constantly be in breakfast and after school club or have to squeeze swimming lessons or other activities into weekends.

It has made school holidays easier as DH only has to take 3 days off to cover a full week of childcare and they don't need to be in holiday club 5 days a week in summer etc.

We did sit down and look at finances but it isn't always a purely financial decision. Undoubtedly we are a far calmer and less stressed household than when I was working more. I did however up my pension contributions with an AVC when I dropped my hours to try and offset the hit on my pension a bit.

Nah it doesn't work like that - you are already earning more than he does.

I work part-time and have done since my son was about 9. I earn more than my husband does working FT.

I don't need more money and it's really immaterial whether the other partner does - if you are earning more than they do (or the same), that's the end of the story as far as I am concerned, you are already contributing over 50% of the finances.

I missed this when I posted before.

HE doesn’t want to give them a better upbringing. He wants YOU to do it for him

If your DH is happy to make up any financial shortfall, then all good.

Hmm ok. I am a higher earning woman and the framework is simple - put DC in childcare or lower earner looks after them - not rocket science.

Agree not wanted baby in FT childcare but babies are only babies very briefly!

The issue is our childcare system - you don't see the same opting out of economic responsibility in countries with excellent childcare, where men and women work equally.

Maybe it is a controversial view around here but I don’t consider myself financially responsible for his older children. I will happily pay 50% of our household’s costs, and that benefits them as much as any other member, but that’s where the line is drawn.

With every post you make, OP, he sounds worse and worse. He is a cocklodger.

I agree with this but if DP reduced his hours he’d have had to reduce his maintenance payments too. I think that was a factor in not wanting to (as well as enjoying work more than childcare!).

With every post, the lack of partnership gets more evident! I can't imagine going 50-50 with my DH - all money is our money. (Equally I wouldn't marry someone with their own DC without my eyes open about the impact of that on my lifestyle).

I am a single (100% care) to 2 kids, both secondary age, with an hour's commute. I work officially part time, but I'm high level, so they'll take up as much of my time as I let them.

When I forget myself, and work the extra hours (eg sitting on my laptop in the evenings, having it open while I make dinner) I find myself falling behind in every other aspect of life, the 3am wakings come back, and I start to eat poorly. I have to strongly guard my work time boundaries for my sanity.

You would be the same. If you're paying 50%, if you're happy, and you're already working enough hours, don't go full time. It's too much.

If he didn't have older children, I’d probably agree with you… But he does.

OP I think your argument has logic and sense to it. You’re already covering 50% of the bills and mortgage, saving, investing etc. He just wants a bigger house and more holidays but for you to fund whilst still carrying more of the load. His argument is flawed and ridiculous. This is from someone who has gone back up to 50:50 and still does the majority of housework and childcare whilst being FT. I’d give anything to have 4 days a week. I’m hoping I can get my current job down to that next year

You've left out preference. People who've got the money to have choices get to take that into account, and OP falls into that category. No framework that fails to consider that is going to get very far. And yes, as OP points out, the lower earner here does have maintenance to consider too. That isn't the case for most households.

Whether OP would've made a different decision in a different society is a separate point.

Then he can get a better paying job to give it them.

OP if you are really, really honest with yourself is there anything more to your relationship than him expecting you to provide the lifestyle he aspires to?

We do get on most of the time! He makes me laugh, he has my back, we have fun together, we share some hobbies.

But we’re not married, he does have older children who take up a considerable amount of his money and time, and we have different careers and goals.

I’d prefer for us to stay together but that doesn’t mean having to let him take the piss!

I think the issue here OP is that you and your husband have different priorities. You (understandably from my PoV) want to spend more time with your young children and fortunately for you, you can afford to do so. DH would like the fancy house and fancy holidays but is looking to you to fund those things for him.
For me it would be different if DH was prepared to do more in the home or drop work hours to do more childcare because that the higher earner works more hours makes financial sense. But he doesn’t want to drop hrs, or pick up more housework. He wants his life to stay the same whilst you sacrifice time with your children knowing that if you did, the money would be spend on his priorities that are not of value to you.
I think given you fund 50% already, DH can quite frankly get lost and if he wants fancy holidays and a posh house he can look to increase his own earnings or do without.

I didn’t go full/time until both DCs were in secondary school. The cost of wrap around care and holiday clubs was too high for it to make financial sense. I also liked to do the school runs and attend assemblies. If you can afford it, stay part-time. They still need a parent around lots at that age.

She pays half so she's carrying her weight financially