To not feel obliged to work full time?

[Dariara]

I went part-time when I had my first child, and my second is starting school in Sept.

DP and I pay 50% of the mortgage and household bills each (before I went part time, and throughout maternity leave, I paid more). I said I would go back to full-time work when DC were at school but now… I don’t want to? AIBU?

I work Monday - Thursday. My youngest starts school in September and I’ve no intention of going full time. I love having Fridays off!

Same!

I’ll be able to do the school run with no wraparound care, go to Pilates, tidy up, do admin, maybe even have a bath!

I don’t understand. You can save towards house deposits but not towards education costs? It’s your money, your DP can’t just spend it on holidays and mansions.

Some things to consider:
If your DH lost his job or was unable to work any more, would you be able to up your industry and cover outgoings for all of you easily?
Have you been topping your pension up to a full time equivalent?
If your DH broke up with you tomorrow, what would happen? Would you be able to afford to buy him out of the house? Could you afford a house big enough for you and your children in the same area on the equity you'd get? Would you be able to afford the mortgage on your current salary, or would you need to increase hours and would that cover it? Would you end up having to move areas/schools/jobs if you didnt have enough? How much would extra childcare cost if you went fulltime and could you afford it?
Have you and DH done some long term planning for savings/retirement and are these feasible on part time?

Basically, what disaster planning have you done?

Have you thought about what if your DP is disabled or dies? Would you be able to go back to FT and afford wrap around care by yourself? Is going PT going to put you further and further behind in career progression? Lifetime earnings? How independent will you be with a lower pension?

That’s not going to be very fair if he only does 1/4 of childcare and 1/3 of the housework .

He needs to up both those areas to 50%. Otherwise not only will you be the higher earner, you’ll run yourself ragged doing most other things around the house and to do with the kids.

Yes it’s very cushty to have you working full time, bringing in more money than him and doing most of drudgery!

For what it’s worth I found it harder to juggle when they started school. Not easier! They need you more and school is only until 3ish not like 6 with nursery! Then the school holidays, after school clubs, homework….

I think you are being unreasonable if thats the conversation and conclusion you and DH made together. I would feel very resentful if we had agreed a position and then all of a sudden my partner ‘didn’t want to’ go back to work.

However I would expect he does 50% and takes time off for appointments and sickness.

If he doesn’t really mind, would just like a bit of extra money (but can live without it), and you both agree to continue as you are then YANBU.

I just save. When I need or want it, I can access it.

The main reason DP wants me to go back to full-time is because he wants us to move to a bigger house. He can’t afford to pay more than 50% of the current mortgage and bills, so it’d mean I have to.

I work part time, DH works full time. I keep chatting about taking on more work but he is adamant I stay PT. His mental health can't take me doing an additional day as the work is thankless and I come home and moan. I just want the spare cash. He makes a very valid point cos when I'm in at work I re-think the additional day I mull about. If you are happy and can cover your bills easily, keep your work pattern and your sanity.

What does your DH think? Has to be a joint decision.

It's not really fair that you pay half if you earn less. You're not getting a good deal. And it seems your husband only wants you to work FT so he has more money to spend on holidays?!

I've been part time since my kids were born, they're now 13 and 15 and I wouldn't want to be full time.
Teenagers need you just as much as younger children.
It will benefit your work/life balance massively if you can stay part time.

That’s a lot of questions!

If we broke up, I would need to go full-time but life would be fine. I would be able to afford a smaller house for me and DC. I have decent equity and investments and pensions.

Why?

I would always opt for more time than more money. I had friends who spread their 4 days over 5 days to save on wrap around care and be able to spend more time with their kids / take them to various clubs and activities.

i guess it’s a family decision, but you have already said you pay 50% so seems reasonable to me. I always had flexible working as there are lots or inset days, sickness and school assemblies etc to attend.

You’re already paying 50% towards the household costs which is more than generous. No need to bust a gut working FT too!

I worked part time when mine were younger and the only thing I think now is I missed all those years contributing a full time equivalent to my pension. Had I had my time again I would consider the impact of that differently. Lovely as it was to have that time with my children.

Really?

To me, it’s a poor financial decision for the low earner to be busting a gut full time while the high earner is working part time. Unless you’re not a team, and not really partners.

So the question is which to choose, quality of life or more spare cash.
You have to come to some agreement withyour spouse, but FWIW, I am 100% with you.
YANBU.

I was sahm, then pt, now ft with one nearly in secondary, other in secondary and one finished. Life is a juggling, hellish mess. Everyone else I know stayed in work and now pt. I get regular‘I don’t know how you do it!’ and the answer is, I don’t, we’re all sinking including dh who once said he didn’t realise how easy he had it when I was a sahp (but will never admit it again😅)

YABU to want to make this decision unilaterally, but YANBU to want to properly sit down and discuss it with your DH.

The obvious question is how everything will be split onc eyou go back to full time. What wraparound childcare will you need and how will that be paid for? Who will do drop off and pick up? Will you be splitting holidays and sick days 50:50 or, if your work is more highly paid and potentially therefore more important to the family's finances, does he have to take on a lot more to ensure you don't lose your job or get penalised?

And then of course, there's housework, cooking, cleaning etc? Will he be stepping up to take on hal fof that, or more? Or will you have to outsource that, eating into those increased earnings?

Ditto mental load?

These are all questions that you will have to properly talk about and consider before you, as a couple, can make a decision.

Most people are missing the fact that he far from pulls his weight at home…so OP goes full time; works more, earns more and still picks up the slack at home? Not fair at all

I thought I would back full-time once my youngest DD was in Primary School. My eldest turned out to be autistic and has not been in school full time for 4 years. I think I will be part-time until I retire due to her support needs.

I think you need to properly qualify what the impact on your lifestyle will be with you working part time (and earning less) versus you working full time (and earning more). Both in terms of amount of leisure time/quality of life and amount of extra finance and what that would be used for. There's a difference (for example) between never having money for a holiday versus having a holiday; and having a holiday versus having a fancier holiday. Equally there's a difference between putting up with a house that is a bit small versus buying a bigger one because you can. Is DH happy to take on 50% of housework and childcare if you do work full time?