AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Something like this?

Train online then work from home

www.astranti.com/law/clc-conveyancing-courses/clc-l4-diploma-in-conveyancing-law-and-practice/

Well hate to say it but I agree with her and have been happily married for 25 years. Marrying your husband wasn’t the mistake. Giving up work was. Not wanting to work now unless it magically fits around childcare is.

The people I know who have flexible jobs or have permission to do condensed hours, etc are either the valued employees who were there before they had kids or high value individuals with something to offer and leverage. You don’t have either.

You could possibly find a job with child friendly hours such as TA or dinner lady but I suspect that’s not what you’re after.

or you retrain either as something totally different or vaguely related. I read an interesting article the other day from a mother who’s retrained as a train driver. Excellent pay and loves her job. Or doing some sort of accounting or bookkeeping qualification and then you could be self employed and flexible about hours. Just make sure you don’t retrain in anything AI will take over in the near future. How about coding bootcamps and going into that line of work? Though not sure about the AI risk there. Loads of entry level jobs across many sectors are affected already by AI.

Two people I know with law degrees who are self employed. One set up a will writing business and is doing very well. The other wfh doing manuscript proof reading for publishers. So definitely stuff to explore.

Go to marriage counselling

I also married with the same age gap as you op. It gets harder as I get older. I regret it now. Yet I fell in love at the time and he was everything I wanted

Just because your overall point may have some truth in, doesn’t mean the rest of it wasn’t unnecessarily catty and incredibly mean. This isn’t about helping the OP for you is it? Somethings happened in your life where this post has triggered something in you. Step away because you’re embarrassing yourself.

Op, forget the age gap stuff for a minute. I have friends who have married same age men and they have many of the problems you mention, they’ve just grown apart or they’ve realised they settled for someone they don’t quite click with for the sake of being married. It’s fairly routine stuff. I can think of much worse men than somebody who’s good looking, wealthy and decent (aka not cheating or spending all hours in the gym or bars after work).

I think you just need to stick out the next few years and remind yourself things will change, maybe not now but they will.

I have basically lived your exact life (albeit smaller age gap) and reading your thread has reminded me why I didn’t give up my job (sorry I don’t mean that to be snarky, I’m genuinely grateful for the reminder as I’ve been exhausted lately and on the verge of throwing the towel in). I don’t regret my decision to be with DH but it’s come at a high price for me personally and not for him, which sometimes breeds a bit of resentment. I do understand.

I successfully retrained in a new field in my 30s (had my 2 children during the process). It is possible, but you do have to make choices about

You said that your 2yo is in a private school nursery? If your youngest will go to the same setting, I think that is the time to start thinking about a return to work, as once all 3 children are in a nursery/school that opens up a big chunk of time every day for you to do something for yourself and your future.

Private schools are set up with a lot of after school extra curricular activities, so you should also be able to get to longer hours some days relatively quickly, because as your children get older they will be keen to do after-school sports and clubs.

I think where you may have an issue is around salary expectations. Your training salary was probably very high and it may feel like anything that doesn't immediately match that isn't worth doing at all. Especially because your husband has such a high salary. But that's not really true - think about the career progression in 5-10 years and also think about the value of the work that you do - it's not just about money, it's about doing something meaningful with your time that aligns with your personal values.

It's interesting that you jumped straight to 'in charge of' when those words weren't in my post at all. And as one who's involved in such local charity stuff, your description of this exclusivity doesn't ring remotely true. Old guard? There aren't so many 'town solicitors' and 'private school bursars' looking to take on all the unpaid work in the charity sector that everyone else gets squeezed out!

Although you're right that access to OPs husband might be a draw for a small local charity, which I hadn't considered and bolsters my point.

I think you need to get a job. The options aren’t SAHM or same career you had at 22. There’s lots of other options.

Similar to you OP. The marriage ended due to me removing myself from DV. Sex life was dull as a result. 10 years on, I regret getting married young to an older man, as I'm single and traumatised, but miss having not had a good partner and good, regular sex life.

I agree with @SayDoWhatNow about salary expectations. You are in a very blessed position to be able to ignore that side of the equation for now. Really think about purpose and fulfilment instead. It really, really does not matter how small the steps you take are, as long as you make a start and keep going. You never know how one thing leads to the next, but with the right attitude, it invariably does. Good luck!

Sorry but this sounds like. You problem. You’re dissatisfied with your life, marriage, lost career prospects, envious of friends and their younger husbands etc etc. actually what you are unhappy with is yourself. You may be bored and unfulfilled but the remedy is in your own hands. You have the incredible privilege of time and help with the children, which frees you to invest in yourself. Do something with that privilege instead of wallowing in what ifs. Study, travel, volunteer, get involved in a sport anything really. You sound bored and spoilt and ready to blame it all on your husband and circumstances, but all these things arise from things you willingly and consciously chose. So now choose to elevate yourself and start with your thinking. If you try to improve your life and turn your evident intelligence fully to it and at the end of a year are still in the same place, then fair enough. But don’t just trash your whole life and your relationship without trying to fix it first

Your Life 'Book' just has its chapters arranged differently to your friends. You can have the career, retrain, when your friends are in their child care era, go on holidays with friends, but at a different time. Comparisons seem great in theory, but life is not a game in which we move pieces at the same time. Start planning for turning over the next page, not rereading what's been.

Concentrate on your children. The preschool years are important and if you use your brain to find different activities and interests for them to develop their minds, that will help for the rest of their lives. Learn a new language with them or a musical instrument.

Rest assured, no one ever said I wish I had spent more time at work on their death bed.

Don't know if they still do it but in the 1980s/1990s successful businessmen used to buy their wife a boutique/shop ( losses tax deductable) so she could have a 'play job' to boost her ego. It sounds a bit as if you might want something like that ?

One suggestion for a next step. Get yourself on a part time MA or MSc course. In almost anything- psychology or economics or business or whatever takes your fancy. That will take about 2-3 days per week for 2 years. You can use the time to engage your brain and meet new people and have a think about what you want to do next.

You see, this is what's distorted in your attitude to your situation, OP. That you go straight to characterising someone critical of your decisions as bitter because of a younger woman. You seem to think your status comes from your husband's wealth, and that your husband is a "prize."

Neither of those things is true, but more importantly for you, they don't help you to grow, develop and become an adult. You're still stuck in the mindset of the 22 year old who thought that luxury holidays were the aim of life, and so married the person who provided them.

What do you REALLY want, now? Not what you might have had, but what would build your self-respect and self-esteem?

Plot for a new series of Amandaland ?

Hygge Tigre 😂

I doubt OP wants an ego boosting non-profiting business to run from scratch alongside the kids.

A cursory google shows there are quite a few organisations who help mums get back into work by linking them up with companies. Might be worth a try.

You're still young with a lot of time ahead of you. If you leave DH the children will suffer and it's not necessary. Life would be harder for you as a single parent. And it would be rather selfish in fact. Maybe just wait until the children are older, and in the meantime enjoy what you've got and make the most of it.

I think you need to decide what you want for yourself and do something about it.

You have a fantasy of what might have been. You’re only young you have plenty of time to do training and develop a career.

I would stop blaming your husband though or suggesting he’s in your way because of x y or z. If you really want a career you can have one.

Or an economics or maths teacher as OP seems well qualified

Ive thought about your situation for a long time and I concluded the best thing to suggest would be counselling.
Thats the only way to really express yourself in a safe enviroment and to find really viable options.
Maybe youve been running with the breeeze so long that you cant remember where you were going.
Youve had the whirl wind romance ( tick)
Youve got the nice house ( tick)
Youve got 3 little ones all under the age of 6 (tick the box again)

All of those are viable achievements. Things to be celebrated!
And yet you're not feeling good in yourself.

What bothered me is that you could be a diva wanting to be the outlandish leader ( it mustve wowed your friends when you produced your catch and embarked on the whirlwind romance).
And now that theyre embarking o n their life journey youre not feeling happy for them.
Instead you're feeling jealous and assuming your life has gone down the pan!
Or.... There is something else going on that you wouldnt confide publicly on a forum but you could explore these deeper feelings with a counsellor.

For example : your friends are off on honeymoon ( good for them and wishing them all the best)!
But you feel jealous.
Maybe its time you spoke to your husband about a second honeymoon, but with the kids!
You can pick the most wonderful child friendly hotel, knowing you can afford it.

You mentioned that you wouldnt want to be without the kids but almost as an after thought.
(maybe that meant it was such an important part of your life you couldn't imagine life without them and the kids also love their daddy)!

That also is a success!

But possibly if you walk out on your life you will end up in a Kramer v Kramer situation.

Who exactly could make your life better?

The younger men arent necessarily better and some of them will fail at the hurdles!
Social media isnt about reality, its about propping up the myth that youre having a better life than everyone else but the reality is different!

Maybe you are just feeling tired because pregnancy and birth and little ones take it out of a person.
Thats why rich people employ or utilise poorer people to do the work for them!
Its possible that your life isnt irredeemable.
You may just be longing for that feeling of youthful freedom, where you didnt have children to look after!

And technically I dont think anyone could live up to your high standard of expectation.
Youre not seriously wishing you were broke and homeless!?
No, I think youre just looking for an outlet for something else.
Maybe your husband thought you were the inspiration he needed to get his life moving.
And you dont feel you have any inspiration left!
I dont think you should throw it all away without remembering that a lot of couples feel that theyre taking a nose dive into the ground after about 10 years of marriage.

Again a counsellor would help you to unravel achievable goals rather than regrets and wishful thinking.
The only negative I could really come up with would be if youre husband has a healthy life insurance on you and viewed you as a disposable assett.
That would make anyone feel unhappy!

Sounds like you’re ready to just give up.
This is why so many family’s are broken and children at school with weekend mums and dads taking it in turn.
You fell in love for a reason once before and got married.
Life changes, our priorities change and the relationship dynamic changes.
But people give up too easily nowadays, it’s easier to think of the life you might of had instead of the life you once chose but now decided that you no longer want.
Your DH sounds like a hard working and genuine family man who only ever wanted to make you happy.
Maybe it’s you who should look at why your not happy and try and change it, marriage counselling or at the least talk to your husband about how you are feeling.
although I feel like you’ve already made your mind up…. 😣