AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Have you thought about Human Resources? There are courses you can do online.

A tale as old as time.

I worked with a guy who had a thing for rhe 20 something grads who joined the business. He was in his late 40s and had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 7 years, he'd met her when she was a 23yo grad. Every time we were out for work drinks he'd be all over the newest wave of grads. One who I knew well, fell for his charm and reciprocated the interest. His girlfriend must have known something was up as she turned up one night when he was out for dinner with a male colleague and 2 female grads, one being my friend.
He broke up with his girlfriend and slept with my friend a couple of times, not sure which order. She came to her senses and got the ick from being with an old man. He bragged about shagging her to his peers at work.

Too late to change the past, but not necessary to stay with someone you don't want to be with.

The phrase, you’ve made your bed… springs to mind. Jesus.

I think you are romanticising things like being skint, getting a mortgage etc although those things can help in giving perspective. You maybe lack a bit of that. Being financially comfortable and not having to work is a dream for some people. You may also have a bit of grass is greener syndrome. What would have happened if you did stay in work place and landed a big job? You'd have had to either put your kids in nursery (which you don't want to do) or step back from the big job. You would be out of work place for more than a decade, it's very hard for a career to survive that. It would be a struggle to get back to where you were AND you'd be older. My point is, there is no current way of having it all. The big successful job and the ability to press pause while you have kids and stay with them until they are in primary school, I don't know if that exists. So I think you are wishing for a reality that doesn't exist. I'm much older than you and have worked throughout my kids lives. I now have primary and secondary aged kids and would sell my soul to stop working but I cannot. By the time I can afford to stop, they'll be grown up. That saddens me but it's reality so I have to accept it. Your life sounds lovely and you can probably find ways to enrich it without going out to work, some good suggestions on this thread. This however does not solve your marital woes. If you don't resolve those, you're headed for divorce at some point. Have you considered counselling? He's wealthy, a hard worker, a good provider, a nice Dad, good looking, sounds like some good things to work with there! But it may have run its course and I'm not sure life will be any easier for you if you if you wait years to leave. On a practical note, I think you should work to protect yourself, both parties in a traditional arrangement of stay at home parent/working parent are vulnerable in different ways. Working allows you to protect yourself and it gives you options. Having limited or no options is a truly shit place to be and you'll find yourself there eventually (unhappily married, nice lifestyle that you don't want to give up but no ability to self fund that lifestyle, older, no experience, etc) You've been out of work place for 6 years, you want to stay out for another 4 years, it will only get harder as you get older. You can't study/train your way to a great job straight out of the gate and age/lack of experience will start to count against you. So maybe start to think about going back when baby is a bit older, 1 or 2. You will still be very young so lots of time to start junior and work your way up. Counselling could help you unpick some of this. Good luck to you.

He’ll be retiring in 15 years time and expecting her to be home living retirement life with him.

I feel for you. You were very young and impressionable, who wouldn’t be swept away by a man taking them to luxurious places and no doubt buying them nice gifts? I also don’t think there’s anything remotely weird in you no longer having anything in common. I reckon if you look back to when you first met, you didn’t have much in common then either… He was just way more interesting and exciting than a poor immature guy in his early 20s.

Sadly children have a way of stripping the initial glamour of a relationship and bringing it firmly into reality. There’s no point saying anything about the fact you went on to have another two DC but you made that choice and now financially, it’s going to be even trickier to get away from this than if you only had one to pay for.

I strongly recommend getting back to work. Since your DC are now all in school especially, you should be able to find a role and pay for breakfast/after school clubs. You need to think of a route out, unless you’re happy staying miserable like this long term. I think you need a sense of identity back. You’re in the perfect location for a job in finance, or just about any role tbh so at least you have that on your side.

I’m not sure about how much you’ve grown up, you still sound incredibly passive?

Your aim is to go back to work but not too much and not for a decade? You’re pinning all your glory on getting a job straight out of uni but then never even doing anything with it?

I certainly agree you’re in a gilded cage.

Up to you what you do about that,

Your parents must have been so concerned for you at the time.

YABU though. Why not divorce him and start over?

Yabu. Life is in your hands, if you divorce it sounds as though you will be wealthy enough to pursue whatever career you want Seems like you want to have your cake and eat it.

Whilst i think it's good to get in touch with the part of you that wanted a career and to explore how to find fulfillment in this area going forward, I also think you're being very "grass is greener".

You could have married someone your own age, had a horrible relationship and be left as a single mum at this stage to someone paying minimal child maintenance payments, you could have found work to be toxic or burnt out from the pressure, you could have struggled with infertility or a partner who gambled or snorted away all your income.

Also all possible outcomes of different life choices, and there are of course many others.

I not trying to be mean, but it doesn't sound like you've actually worked on fixing the problems you have in the present, you're just looking back at this perfect past and resenting your husband because you don't have it.

Have you tried couples therapy? If I was facing potentially leaving my marriage and the family splitting I would want to have tried this first.

Many experts think AI will vastly change the jobs that are in demand. I would be wary of investing time and money in something that AI is likely going to take over in the next 5-10+ years.

What other things do you find fulfilling? 3 under the age of 6 is also hard and can be isolating, but it gets easier as they get older.

A career in corporate law is totally incompatible with the part time, don’t want a nanny, life I’m afraid.

You're putting barriers in the way, why? . You're still young enough to retrain and climb the career ladder and why are you even thinking about any future relationships? You need to centre yourself here and decentre having a man /men in general. Forget all trope about how women need a man for this that and the other. Being with a man should never be the goal

I've seen this play out with friends.. at home with kids, rich husband they don't love. It's put up and make an exit plan including sorting a career / purpose. Don't let them get into their teens and still be at home. Find your propose now, it might make the marriage better as well

Have a look at this:

https://willrobotstakemyjob.com/

I think your best bet is an accountancy qualification whilst working at a smaller firm where overtime is not really expected whilst using either a nanny or nursery.
Then once they are older you can always look to progress into more advanced roles or different companies. You need to accept though that some amount of childcare will be needed as you NEED work experience

I notice a lot of people have raised this point point, but let's not forget, she was very young - still only 25 when she had her first child - and we all make poor decisions when we are young. I mean, let's face it a lot of us would have made the same decision in our late 20s and early 30s, even with those few extra years of life experience. It's the triumph of hope over reality that an extra baby is what will make everything great again, as well as siblings for existing children. It's easy to pose these questions but it's not helpful to the OP who is trying to find a way forward.

No not really. It's a choice you make when you have certain values rather than others. I'd never have tied myself to an older successful well off man at 25 (I'd have cringed so hard at the idea) I was too busy chasing another type of unsuitable boyfriend who had no money (poor but exciting artist).

Op chose this man because he gave her what fits in with her values, being a SAHM, being successful (even if she isn't her husband is) it's the age old middle class dream. No most 25 year old uni graduates don't chose babies and staying at home with a 40 plus. OP chose it because it appealed to her and suited her.

To find out why, she'd have to do lots of soul searching and look at her own family and friends when she grew up, it will probably tell an interesting story as to how she ended up with her dh.

I do feel sorry for OP's dh who presumably has no idea his wife is dissatisfied.

Op has a super degree. For the time being, she can chose to be treasurer for the PTA or become a school governor with a focus on finance, volunteer for a charity things like that. The world is indeed her oyster.

When the last baby is 3, stick it in prep school and do a part time post graduate degree. You can do this in 2 days / week over a couple of years, I know as I did it but with my own money and much older. You'll qualify just as baby is starting school and if you have done a bit of volunteering you can be in a good position for an entrance level job.

Hope you're not too above that sort of thing. I loved changing careers in my 40s and was proud of the junior role I landed after working as a senior manager for a decade 😂.

Most degree Masters degree courses are 2 years long. Not sure about MBAs, which could be a great option too. So no need to stick any baby in nursery for 5 days a week.

Sometimes financial privilege is a gilded cage. It can make people very entitled, and unwilling to compromise. OP sounds like a disgruntled older teenager or failure to launch 20 something whose parents are suggesting all sorts to get her to do something with her life and she has excuse after excuse after excuse while enjoying the luxury that her elders provide her with.

OP really doesn't have it so bad. The very first step I recommend is to become a school governor, volunteer on prep school PTA with her financial knowledge or find a charity that could benefit from her education. The rest will follow but it it might just be enough to feel like a grown up with a purpose beyond being a SAHM.

I get where you are coming from. But I think don’t look back, look forward. You have financial security which gives you some options. It may be your relationship has run its course but at the same time all marriages change and I think when the kids are young it’s a particularly tough time. It’s a lot of pressure on the mother- your body and mind go through a lot and the relationship with your partner changes as the kids become the priority. If you can both rub along ok that’s something. I’m not saying it’s what you should settle for but it provides a decent base from which you can try to figure out what you want in your life.
If you are still interested in finance, are there courses you could do to update your knowledge/skills?
How long did you work for before you stopped? I’m guessing a few years?
I have a friend who had 10 years out of her career that was not dissimilar to yours. She had 3 kids, the first when she was 28.
She started to part time work WFH for a local place in her field when the kids were at school/pre school. Negotiated 20 hours a week 10-2. Then moved to another place where she did a bit more, 10-2 plus an hour in the evening. Now all the kids are at school, she’s gone back to her old place of work working similar hours from home with an excellent salary. I think a lot of firms are keen to get working mums back as they invested in you when they trained you and women WFH are often hugely reliable. Reach out to HR and anyone you know from back then and see. The worse that happen is you get no reply or told no.
What other things were you interested in when you were young? You could learn a language, write, paint, photography, learn to do something practical.
You may have lost touch with old friends a bit but could you reconnect?
What about mum friends? I think sometimes these relationships happen with the only thing in common being that you are mums but you can also meet some people that really click with.
What other things do you want to do? Where would you like to go? Can you go to one new place a week/try one new thing?
I don’t think you can sit down and figure what you want to do with your life just like that. I think you have take baby steps and just try some things on for size. It’s just a series of mini experiments to see what sits well with you and what doesn’t. And you have to be patient.
I’m 50, happily married with one child, and I’m still figuring out what I want in my life. My DH is part of that and a great sounding board but we all have to figure out our own needs and goals. It’s not easy and it’s not like there is one end destination, it’s constantly in motion.
You need to reframe things. You married the man you though was right for you at the time. You have had some amazing experiences with him. You have 3 wonderful children. You have a home. You don’t have to worry about money. You have years ahead of you and lots of opportunities as you are so young! You will be able to really enjoy any grandchildren.
No one set of choices lead to constant happiness, things always evolve. I don’t know if this man is someone you should continue to be with, but I think you should explore things a little before you make any big decisions. This will boost your confidence and sense of self. Good luck x

Classic example of a man wanting a wife and children and not wanting to be a husband and a father. Much easier to do this with a younger partner with little life experience.

OP you probably need to understand that you being a young sahm is the flex that your dh wants. Along with the fancy house and fancy car you are another status symbol to add to the pile. Juggling drop offs with an equally successful partner isn’t part of the narrative and so anything you do to redress the balance will be resisted.

A PP pointed out you not having any pension in your own name is a real issue, are you getting NI contributions at least in your name? Easiest way to do that is to claim child benefit and pay it back. Do you have access to money in your own name? Is your name on the house deeds? If your dh dropped dead tomorrow what can you access? Does he have a will? I’d be really concerned that if this man is as successful financially as you suggest he does not have the tie to you that you do to him so if you pull out of line or get sick or anything that displeases him enough to split up you’re literally destitute. You can’t rely on a potential massive divorce payout - every woman I know that has gone through it has been shafted.

I think this is realistic if you are thinking of either finance or law. You simply won't be competitive. Have you considered teaching? if you are good with numbers, they are always looking for maths teachers and I believe you get paid a premium if you plan to teach maths (although this is still not very much). You could train and pick up some relief teaching for a few years, then when the kids are older get a teaching job that still gives you summer, Easter, and Christmas holidays with them?

And will your kids be gutted not to se you every day if it’s 50/50?

I’ve kids who are I. Their 20’s and 30’s and in all their friendship groups I can’t think of any couple where there is much of an age gap. 16 years isn’t a massive difference but it is when one of them is 22. It’s a bit creepy tbh and says a lot about the older person.
OP, I know you can muddle along for now but you really need to be thinking about what happens in the future. You are wrapped up in being a Mum at the moment but what what happens when they leave home. You will have years and years in front of you - do you really want to spend them with someone you know you have no spark with. That sounds like torture.

He's barely doing 10% now. He wouldn't go for 50:50 and there's no way to force him.