AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I get it op, I have a friend who married someone who was 40 when she was early 20s (through work as well). Im sure he seemed fun amd exciting at the time as they were likely a similar mindset at that point. In reality he was just a very immature manchild and now shes in her 40s with kids looking after a man in his 60s who is basically a grumpy old man. I can tell she wishes she'd met someone younger but she wouldn't be without her kids, so she makes the best of it.
Age gap relationships are not always bad but these are the pitfalls unfortunately. I hope you work out what the best way forward is for you and your kids.

The good news is that you have 3 under 6 and your first at 25 and have plenty of money. Don't do anything rash now, but start thinking about retraining/getting a job. Even if you start back at the bottom you've got plenty of time. Buy in help and get back to feeling like you have independence. By the time your eldest is 16 you'll only be 41 and you'll have plenty of time left to do as much careering as you want.

That’s fine, you know yourself better than I do. I’m just going by how you post. Even more reason not to stick with a man you no longer love - life’s too short

I think you need to find a life outside of the home. There will be other career options out there and it sounds like you can afford hired help. You can study for future roles or look at other forms of achievement or possibly start your own business? It sounds like you have options to find yourself but I think you need to find the direction you want to go in.

If you want to stay with your DH maybe you should talk to him and find something new in common that you can do together and grow together in, maybe a dance class or something fun. When did you last go out and have fun together?

But realistically, even if I split up with DH - I won’t be able to return to my previous career and future relationships would be tricky.

Scrimping and saving to barely afford a house is a milestone I could gladly do without. I would absolutely love it if my DH already owned a house. I do suspect that you’re idealising the life you could have had…

But I absolutely understand you being unhappy in your relationship and this definitely isn’t what I would have wanted (for myself).
I strongly agree with pp about you needing to rejoin the workforce.

Financial independence will allow you to properly reassess your life, relationship and it will lessen the power imbalance. I’m guessing you and your DH could afford a nanny or daycare?

And I wouldn’t underestimate the importance of friendship. Could you do at least one „friendship evening“ a month? Where you go out without your DH and meet some of your friends?

I hear you. I did something similar, except then my first husband passed away young. And while I mourned him as a person and mourn his loss for the sake of the kids, there is a small part of me that realises that freed me from having to make the difficult decision to leave him.

Don't be under any illusions about life as a single mum with three small children, without career potential. You will be entirely dependent on his goodwill as to whether he pays minimum maintenance or is more generous.

Get yourself set up now so you have options. Start to think about retraining.

Is there any hope for you and your husband, do you think?

You probably need to get a job. You must be bored all those years not working.
It might give you something to talk about and bond over.
You fell for the lifestyle but good looking and fab holidays is all a bit shallow regardless of the sense of humour.
Get yourself some purpose and you may feel differently.

This is the way I see my life going too.

It absolutely is tricky. But you need a life outside your home. What will you do when your children are older?
You‘ll still be stuck in a loveless marriage, you still won’t have a career or a social life.
And your children will become increasingly independent and less reliant on you. One day you will be faced with an empty nest…

Which is why I would recommend you start rebuilding your career ASAP.

The longer you wait, the harder it will get.

How is your pension?

You might not be able to go back to the career you would have had but you have a degree and have been employed so there will be roles out there for you. You worked in finance, you have office experience.

Did you go on to remarry?

I don’t think there is any hope for us to get back to how we once were. I think we are ultimately too different and have got used to living as friends.

Non existent.

I have an age gap and had first dc at 25 but I think the age gap is confusing things a bit. You are in the trenches with such small dc and whatever the age gap relationships suffer, it is hard! I would look at thinking about what you want and move towards it as dc go to school. You may not get your old career back, if you had stayed in it you may want a change at this point in your career any way but you can return to a job that you will enjoy. I agree that volunteering etc is a good first step but build on skills and find new ones. My dh is now thinking of retirement but me at 50 with dc left home I am scaling up my career and want to progress and he supports this fully. But if the love has gone then you do not need to stay, plan for being able to support yourself. Remember though that the life you are pining for may not have been as wonderful as you think but there is a wonderful life for you to live, with or without your dh.

That is a large age gap. I have an age gap with my DH, but yours is very big, really, given the ages you both were, and your differing life stages and positions of power at work.

Was your pregnancy planned, or unplanned?

I'd be curious to know what it is that makes you feel so incompatible with him now, having spent three years together before conceiving - not long, but surely long enough to work out whether or not your personalities, values, and goals aligned?

Are you sure it's not just that, having had three kids, you've just lost the spark of your relationship to the relentless grind of life, and you both haven't been prioritising your relationship enough? Or possibly that you're experiencing a 'grass is greener'/seven-year-itch phase, as your friends settle down?

Frankly though, he doesn't sound like a present, attentive, loving husband or father, so I don't think yabu for having regrets. Although I do think you could have ended up in just as unhappy a marriage at the age of forty or so if you'd been wild in your twenties, and then settled down in your thirties with a man the same age.

Personally,.I wouldn't jump straight to divorce. Are you perhaps bored with life?

Your options aren't SAHM or old career, you need to take control of your life and own your decisions. Start a new career, and gain back some independence

It’s wasted energy thinking about what we might have done, and what difference it might have made. In any situation. Not of course that we don’t look back, and mull over things, the good, the bad and the sad unfortunately.

But in my ( long! ) life experience it’s best to find some way of accepting what we did/ didn’t do, and living with that. That doesn’t mean that we( you ) have never to want or make changes in your life. Just that we don’t spend too much time speculating about things we cannot change in any case.

The advice to carve out some more space/time to just be you Is good, whether through a hobby, volunteering or even a part time job that just gets you away from domestic responsibilities for a while.

Lastly, if you do decide to end the relationship, in my experience it’s better for the DC to do it sooner rather than later. It’s probably better for you and your DH too. It’s certainly not worth waiting till you are completely resentful and angry.

Finally counselling might be useful here for you both to work through whatever you decide to do.

Why are the options split up or stay together unemployed?

You have the financial means to throw money at the problem. Outsource jobs and you go back to work. See what happens. It might make you less introspected.

Also - 16 years isn’t that big?!

I would feel the same too to be honest. But you still might have had regrets! I married a man the same age in my late twenties and had kids soon after. I gave up my ambitions to travel the world to settle down. Like you, it was what I wanted at the time and I wouldn't have chosen differently. I love mu kids and I do have a career of my own and am financially equal to my partner. Things that you wish you had, but my point is I still have some regrets! It's normal to look at how life could have been on a different path, particularly if we're not very happy.

It sounds like you want to stay together for the kids and there are many positives in your life, so maybe make the most of it? Once all your kids are at school, there are all sorts of fulfilling things you could do to gain life satisfaction outside of marriage and parenthood if money isn't a barrier.

It was planned.

I don’t know if I’m just making excuses, but I feel like since having children/hitting my late 20s, I’ve really ‘grown up’ whereas he’s just exactly the same, but gets grumpier and grumpier. I do agree that we lost the spark through not prioritising each other too though.

Whose idea was it to try for a baby when you were 25; he was older so was he pushing for that? And who made the decision for you to be a SAHM?

It sounds like you knew after the first one that you didn’t want that life so I’m not sure why you had two more kids. You could have gone back to work and had your independence. It’s very difficult now. But you married into money and this happens a lot.

OP, if things were different, you'd have a different set of stresses. You and a younger partner may have more equal careers but the stress of two FT workers trying to be good parents is tough on marital happiness too.

Don't romanticise things which can be stressful in themselves. Saving up for your first home - it feels like an achievement, but in London, all that money just to pay for a tiny terraced house with a postage stamp garden in zone 3/4/5. I bet many friends are envious of you falling for a man who was wealthy enough to buy a nice house in a good area.

Work on the things you can control. If you are so wealthy, make sure some of that money is spent on cleaners and at least PT child care so you can start earning again, or retrain. And make an effort to reconnect with him. What sort of dates did you have when you first met? Theatre? Concerts? Comedy gigs? Sports fixtures? Cool restaurants? Start booking one date a week like that.

Invite some friends over for Sunday lunch or BBQ. He may be older than them, but if they are ambitious, they may see him as a mentor. You may find there are things in common.

Maybe you are incompatible, but you loved him when you married him and sometimes in any marriage we need to make a concerted effort to keep that love alive.

We both wanted children. I would have been happy to wait until I was in my 30s but he wanted them sooner rather than later. I just went along with it really (I know how passive that sounds now).

And then wanted siblings.