AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

In my 35 years of working in the legal profession, I’ve only seen two people make a career change to law. And that was many years ago, when things were ‘easy’. So many outstanding candidates with topic academics and work experience don’t even secure an interview. It’s a tough profession to crack

25 is not very young to have a baby! I had my first son at 25 I had been to UNi got married started in a career and had a very planned and wanted baby

I have read through most of the comments and posts
I do wonder if OP is suffering from postnatal depression, the baby is only 6 months old but she is down an imaginary career rabbit hole instead of enjoying this very fleeting stage.
I would recommend therapy of some sort as so much going on and she cant seem to see the wood for the trees and seems confused about her life choices
Also some marriage/relationship therapy which will be hard but could only be of benefit to work out what is going on
Does your DH know how you feel?
Would he be sad and hurt at you discusssing him on here and all the responses
Having THREE young children is hard graft and expecting this amazing marriage spark too seems a bit of a stretch at this point in your life.

OP, you’ve had quite a mixed bag of responses here, and I’ve only read until page 19 so forgive me if I repeat anything.

If you don’t want to split, and marriage it’s important to your DH, have you discussed with him how you feel and considered some marriage counselling? You might be able to work together to save things and build your relationship back up. It’s worth a go, and may help you out of this feeling of being stuck where you are.

Also, on the subject of work, have you looked at apprenticeships? They are great way to retrain for work, and will mean you get the experience as well as the qualification. For example, the Civil Service especially have loads on offer, and also flexible working hours too (sign up for the job alerts). I also know someone with 2 kids under 5 who has completed an accountancy apprenticeship, and is now studying for her Chartered qualification while working full time flexibly around her children. Yes, her partner is around to support, but that is only for some nursery/school pickups around his job. You can find a childminder or nanny to help out to do similar. Do you have any family support?

You need to start to rebuild your own career and financial safety now, don’t let anyone else’s expectations hold you back.

You had things in common when you are working. Might sound simplistic, but why don't you get yourself back in the workforce? Get something else meaningful in your life, and maybe things will start to change?

If they don't, of course then maybe divorce is the way to go. But as others have pointed out, you're in a potentially precarious situation.

Well, we are all different. I know I would not have been mature enough at 25.

Brilliant advice

I think I would feel the same. You've got swept up in the exciting bit of a relationship and commited in the most irreversible way relatively quickly. But it cannot be undone and we can all say what if about so many things.

Age gap aside, I don't know any relationship that stays as it was in the beginning. I think maybe it's a bit naive to believe that can be achieved? You've experienced three massive life events as a minimum and it does change us all. You don't sound keen on separation so take some time to think about what you want over the next few years, you don't need a high paying high stress job to feel like you're doing something rewarding. It could be volunteer work, part time or even just a hobby. Get a bit more going on in your world and see where that leaves you.

If he's very high flying and well off .... Is early retirement likely and how do you feel about that if it means he's about more in 10 years just as the kids started gaining independence?

You can't have it all!

You had a fabulous time in your early twenties, and now you have lovely children and a financially comfortable lifestyle.

When i was pregnant in my early 30's my lovely older husband died, tragic.
Now in my 60's, I'm really fed up getting old and grumpy!

Life is what you make it. You can't always choose life's path, but you can make the best of what's on offer.
No point looking back, grow up and be grateful for your blessings.

At least I don't have a grumpy old husband to look after!!

OP: you’ve had some good advice and some vitriol.

I’ve had a different experience from you, but am also ex big4 (but qualified). I retrained during maternity leave and did a masters while kids were in nursery. This saved my sanity, one day a week in London for me and for them at nursery or with a nanny (which was fine, the kids really liked it and it helped immensely with their social skills). I loved being me again; my world had shrunk down to nappies and play centres, and it grew larger again for that one day. I eventually completed a high prestige doctoral program, working around school and nursery.

In your situation, where you don’t want to use childcare for 5 days a week, I’d suggest going back and completing your ACCA (note: you don’t need a training contact for this, and many places offer courses). I’d also look for part time book keeping jobs (which are v common), and use that as a starting point. I know it’s not glamorous but working in big 4 corporate finance/transaction services isn’t going to happen for you now in your situation but if you clear your ACCA you may get a good job in finance (back office) in 3/4 years. It’ll be a start.

Try to get back to work, or studying or something because it’ll be good for you, and it’ll set a positive role model for your kids too.

Gosh your relationship sounds the mirror image of mine! I was 22 he was 17 years older, met at work. Also three children, though I carried on working.
I was very unhappy for the last ten years of our marriage but stayed. We got on ‘ok’ and he was also a ok dad, but a covert narc to me. He became grumpier and more miserable, generally we stayed out of each others way and lived like house mates.

I met the love of my life and it blew everything to hell. I’m out the other side of hell now after a long and painful time which I don’t regret because I am finally truly happy, but I do regret waiting until my mid forties to extract myself from that marriage, and of course how it happened.

I wasn’t mature enough at 18, but I grew up quickly!

Careful OP. The grass isn’t always greener and you may get a massive shock if you’re not living the abundant lifestyle you are. Having said that you can’t stay together just for the kids. Baby steps to find yourself first. Good luck

I married my husband at 18 (I was always much more mature than my age & looked older even now friends don’t believe my age they say I look much younger 🤷‍♀️ work that bone out) he was 26; not a huge age gap but big enough; we waited five years before having children; during that time we did all the things we wanted to do it was our selfish time; once we had children our time was devoted to them we’ve been married almost 40 years best thing I ever did I can’t be imagine a day with out him. But if your unhappy you need to speak to him life isn’t a rehearsal you only get one shot x

I think like I wrote this for myself

I married a man 18 years older than me (who turned out to be awful and we divorced) However, in your case there seems to be no abuse of you and your children, you just seem to have ended up as room mates.
I don't think it's worth thinking too much about the future with him, you have no idea what is going to happen there. But the idea of re-training is a great one, and there are all sorts of ways you can do that, even with three young children.

I'm currently studying my second degree with the Open University, and I do know that they have a very good Law degree available. The best thing is that it is incredibly flexible, and all done at home. You can get student loans to cover the cost, although it does seem that you might not need that. The degrees are modular and you get to chose your own path through it. Not just law though, there are loads of incredibly interesting courses.

Ultimately it's a decision only you can make and it is not at all easy, especially when there are children involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I’m same as you.
Married Older man I met 21 he is 14 years older.
A bit different as not high earner. Think I did for stability.
Great dad, hands on and reliable but the romance is dying we have nothing in common anymore. He is slowing down where our child is at an age where I’m able to pay more attention to my career. So I’m speeding up now. But financials causing stressed as I almost have to plan for retirement for eg montage time when I’m no where near retirement.
Also find he is started to do older mindset things, for eg won’t shop online, idea of a date is coffee and walk, barely goes out.
where as I still like to have the mix of fast and slow.
I get moaned out for working late etc as he is in the mindset of out of why both stable job etc not understand I’m still at the stage of needing promotions etc
Conversation is like millennial vs boomer.

But on the plus side the age does bring a lost more reliability, trust old school gentleman behaviour etc
But I get it op it can hinder the spark.

We make choices and we have to live with them. You have had your children young so could change path and achieve much in the future. We all make choices that are not always what we would choose now with hindsight. No choice is necessarily wrong, it just changes our path. Relish the experiences you’ve had and embrace what comes next.

You have to pay out of your own pocket for the law conversion courses unless you can secure a scholarship so essentially her DH would have to fund the 12k or whatever. Student finance don’t cover it.

Feel like I’ve turned into an academic finance advisor or something on this thread but since OP has an undergrad, her access to law would primarily be through a PGDL which is not covered by student finance so she’d have to ask her DH to cover the fees, unless she could get a scholarship. Some people also train directly through solicitors firms and since you’re already in London OP, you are in the best place for this. Competitive though.

OP, wasting time on regrets isn't very fruitful and having made other choices, you might be regretting not having some of what you have now as a result of the choices you did make. Instead, it makes much more sense to focus on what feels missing and what is possible.

Missing an intellectual challenge makes total sense if you're at home with young children and this is not something you need him for. Figure out how to learn something new, challenge yourself and do something that interests you. It could be anything - you're not ready to go back to work yet anyway. It could be a course, a new hobby, learning a new skill - anything. You can get that underway right now.

The other things that feel missing sound like they are relationship issues. Rather than assuming none of them are changeable, it might be worth exploring couples therapy to see what is possible and how that feels. All couples have incompatibilities, but how they manage those differences is what matters in terms of whether they can make it work or not. Maybe it is a lost cause, but it might be worth a try to let him know how you feel and see what can be improved. Good luck!

So what's stopping you training, you can afford someone to look after the children for a few hours a day if you need to.
In a few years time they will be at school and you will be freer.

Hi op. So I was in a very similar situation myself 20 years ago, I’m 53 now. Married young to a man 15 years older, we had 2 small children. I realised I no longer loved him when kids were small and felt completely trapped. I really wanted the best for my kids though so stuck it out and stayed with him. I eventually left him once kids were at uni. Wasn’t easy staying in a loveless marriage but like all marriages there were ups and downs. We did what was best for the kids. After we split, ironically we got on really well..unusual for us not to hate each other but made me realise we weren’t meant to be together. Tell your husband how you’re feeling and go from there I would say.

No find a hobby dont get divorced because mums netters all ways up for divorce

I rarely comment but felt so compelled to do so they say so many marriages fail in the first 2 years of having children. It’s hard and with your youngest being 6 months old you are in the trenches. I highly recommend looking up Laura Doyle the empowered wife. Marriage isn’t easy and it sounds like you guys have good bones even with an age gap.