AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I did it the other way round, got the career first then had my little girl. I'm now a single mum approaching mid 30's as my relationship also changed and broke down after having a baby. I would love to be able to be a SAHM and there are times I wished I'd had children first as now I don't know that I'll have any more. I've also had friends that, like you had children younger but have told me they wished they'd done things my way. Ultimately I think we always think the grass is greener but it's not always the case.

You can use after school clubs or a child minder to allow you to work full time if you wanted to?

The bind you are in OP is that the sort of jobs you’re qualified for and would fit around the kids are not going to be compatible with your ‘status’. I suspect you think being a carer, or a teaching assistant, isn’t befitting of a mum of prep school kids and wife of rich financial services man. But the kind of jobs you want, you aren’t qualified for and would require you to make sacrifices you aren’t willing to.

There’s no silver bullet here, you will have to compromise at some point.

There must be some local cause you feel passionately about? A women’s group? Lonely old people? Terrapin sanctuary? Could you get involved in voluntary fundraising or similar to be doing something constructive?

Your early thirties is so tragically young to feel stuck in a marriage where there’s no intimacy, no intellectual match, nothing in common. And the problem with staying together for the kids is that if he’s doing the same then he’s basically fine when they are all grown up and living own lives, but you’re completely screwed as a 50 year old who’s never worked, even if you do get half the house.

I married someone a good few years older than me too, had children with him young.

Sometimes it's easy to feel at a stagnant point in a relationship and wonder what if.

Maybe try some date nights, travelling as a family etc.

You mentioned he is a good man, good looking, a provider. You live a nice life. You felt like you loved him once before.

Communicate
Your children deserve a shot at childhood with their mum and dad together.

If he lost everything tomorrow and was on minimum wage would you worry as much about the kids not seeing him every day?
x

I think it’s a good idea to start the wheels turning for your future. The OU offer free taster courses across all disciplines and these might give you some inspiration for retraining or further studies:

www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue?filter=title/grid/21/all/Advanced/all/all

I think you’re being harsh on yourself. What you had at the time has changed, and that happens in every relationship. I think generally, and globally, the biggest naivety/con is that we should expect a couple to always be in love snd happy/content with each other.

call me cynical but ‘til death us do part’ was probably a lot less daunting when men snd women didn’t live for as long as we do today.

can you train up or requalify in something that you can call ‘yours’ and earn a salary? This will help you find yourself snd prepare yiu to become financially independent in the future.

I think you are probably blaming him too much for your feelings of disatisfaction. I would start working again. It doesn't have to be anything amazing, just a job.

The guy sounds a bit weird for going for a 22 year old when he was 38. I mean for a fling it’s not unusual but as a life partner it’s a bit more unusual. I guess now you just have to weigh up the dysfunction/dissatisfaction of staying together for you all VS splitting up, whereby it basically sounds like you’d be a single parent to 3 under six and entirely dependent on his good will to provide more than the bare minimum financially.

The vogue thing these days is to separate but I think in your case there’s probably an argument for staying as a unit at least until the kids are in double figures age wise, for your own sanity. And as others suggest, maybe if you can reconfigure things a bit your relationship could be saved as well.

I think there’s a middle ground here.

lots of people have serious careers which require high number of qualifications, but can also fit around family life. There’s also the option of part time.

Even within financial services there will be roles which don’t require 24/7 dedication.

and people with a financial services background and training can find a role in many less demanding sectors.

working Mums aren’t restricted to working as teaching assistants

Oh I completely agree! I have many friends in professional careers and corporate roles with young children, but they all had more than one year of work experience, no more than one year mat leave per baby, a partner willing to pull his weight, and accepted the necessity of childcare. They compromised, but OP isn’t willing to.

Also absolutely nothing wrong about being a TA or a carer, btw, but OP isn’t going to pitch up to prep school drop off in her tunic before her shift, is she?

It’s difficult because you are at home FT and main carer of young children including a baby.

(As an aside and it’s a bit late now, but I’m not sure why you didn’t stick at 2 as DC1 had a sibling by then?

Your relationship, career and interests really needed priority, assuming you were feeling this way before the most recent pregnancy and it’s not part of PND?)

3 DC is a much bigger commitment time wise, even your eldest is still pretty much only at the start of their school journey).

He’s a work high flyer. That makes your lives currently very different and you are both focussed elsewhere - and as you said he always prioritised work, even when he wasn’t financially providing for another adult and 3 DC.

Having said all that, you say he still has good qualities, shared humour is a big thing IMO, there’s still quite a bit potentially going for both of you.

It ls difficult for anyone with young DC, though if you could begin to invest more into the relationship, weekly date night, plan a new shared activity or hobby?

A part time MSc would be a good idea and you can gain work opportunities. I would just start out with something that interests you, like law as you mentioned that. Don’t think too much further about hours employers at the moment.

As others have said try to shift attention to focussing on the negatives and comparing with others. You really don’t know what their experiences feel like, it’s an unrealistic rose tinted glasses view.

I agree.

I think the OP just wanted to moan, as she’s not been prepared to listen to the many kind and sensible suggestions here. Or compromise, or admit that she had her head turned by a rich man and a lifestyle. She doubt she’d have married him if he’d been a bin man, or a teacher, or a carpenter …

She hasn’t taken responsibility for her decisions. What she might realise is that she’s in the trenches of 3. DC under 6. It’s hard for anybody, and her assumption of status and privilege earned by her husband is getting in the way of her being able to mature and take responsibility.

But then, I personally could never ride on the coat-tails of a man.

Three children under 6 , a stay at home mum would be hard at times even with a younger husband . Maybe return to some form of work it sounds as if you have the financial means ? Or divorce and be a stay at home mum with 3 children?

It sounds like there definitely was an element of grooming weather you choose to believe it or not.... Older, senior employee, lavish holidays, getting you pregnancy young.

Only you can choose what you do next OP but you can end your marriage if your not happy..

A mum from my kids’ primary school days got a generous incentive and did a PGCE to train as a maths teacher when the youngest started school and her relationship was going sour, by the time they did split up when the kids were teens, she was doing very well as head of maths.

Teaching is a great job, I do love it and I'd recommend it to anyone. Especially at a private school.

But...

1. The hours (though arguably not long, averaged over the year) are very inflexible and you do need wraparound and other childcare. Which op doesn't want.
2. You generally have to put up with a bit of rudeness and entitlement (as in many other jobs) which is hard to endure if you don't need the money.

A colleague of mine came into a lot of money. He insisted he'd not let it change him, and he'd carry on teaching. But then his year 8s were rude to him and he quit in a huff mid-year.

There's no way you'd put up with all the stuff teachers put up with, if you had the option of going back to the luxurious wealthy SAHM life.

Absolutely NOT grooming. Do not trivialise the real issues faced by victims of grooming. Grooming involves a predator manipulating a vulnerable person to exploit and abuse them.

She was an adult. She liked his money and the expensive holidays. This man has by all accounts done nothing wrong. She has access to money and time and his only fault is that he works too much and he's boring.

She's not abused, she's a bored housewife who doesn't know how to get out of a rut.

I think this is good advice. OP seems not to have thought much beyond corporate, but charity stuff you like can be a good combination of status and keep you interested. Odds are, as you say, there's some local charity committee or school governor body that'd benefit from someone with an economics degree and a year of accounting experience. And that sort of thing can be a way back in, when you want it.

Yes, it does seem like she groomed him...

"so, where do you live? Oh that's a nice house. What do you drive? Oh, that's a nice car. Oh you ski in the winter, Caribbean in the summer, how lovely.... Daddy has a heart condition, does he? Oh that's a shame. You say he's a Right Honourable??? That's nice. How much was you bonus? Goodness, it must be awful losing so much in tax darling...

You don't mind me calling you darling, do you??'

It's a take as old as time. Grooming goes both ways.... In olden days it used to be called "fluttering your eyelashes"... Whilst he fluttered his bank account.

Local charities aren't going to put a young woman with no work pedigree, no professional qualifications and no relationship with existing charity leaders in charge of 50p... Unless they want to be fleeced or feel that her husband may offer a substantial donation.

Charity financial dealings are for the 'old guard', the town solicitor, the private school bursar, the town clerk, not a 31 yr old graduate from 2016 looking for something to do and a bit of content for her empty CV.

Teaching is a good idea but PGCEs are extremely hard, take a lot of hours on top of the school day, require commitment and hard work. A good third of people don't qualify.

I can't see that OP is really up to it. She just hasn't done that level of work, ever, really... As she says herself she worked hard at GSCE and ALevels, but that was half a lifetime ago. Since then she's had a very easy life.

Andcshe doesn't need a pension. She's got a ring and 3 children so she's got half his... Which he began to pay into when she was about 6yrs old.... Urgh, that's a thought...

... He was paying into a pension plan at work when she was year 1 in primary school....

Blimey

Diamond7272 you have been extremely harsh to the OP on this thread. She has come looking for advice, not a repeated kicking about being a gold digger. Is it striking a nerve for you in some way?

OP, you've had some good advice here. Wait until you're out of the postpartum fog and maybe see how you're feeling then. You do have a lot of advantages, figure out how to leverage them to get more satisfaction from what you have.

I thought I'd been pretty gentle, actually. With 1 year of work in 8yrs, you don't genuinely think one of the big 4 will be knocking at her door???

Surely, that's fiction, right?

There's no point spending tens of thousands (of someone's money) on professional exams if by the time she passes, her CV still says 1 year of work in 12 years???

... She won't even get an interview. Let's not pretend otherwise. All this "follow your dreams" stuff is all well and good, but it has to be accompanied by a little humility, a lot of drive, and something a little 'human', a quality that will make any employer think "yes, I'd like to work with her... She'll be a great addition to the team, not just as a worker, but also a person to spend time with."

I've not seen that from the OP.

So fine, "follow your dreams"... Let's all pretend it'll happen for her. It won't. I've seen the competition... It's in a different league. But, let's pretend. X

You’ve taken all of this from my posts?! You sound incredibly bitter. If I were to make the level of presumption that you have then I’d presume that your husband must have left you for a younger woman. X

I think you will eventually find the right job but you do need to refresh your skills and/or learn some new ones. You are still young and could do very well but it isn't gong to happen overnight.

Well done to you for considering it, it's very sensible. Now put the wheels in motion.

Good luck.