AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

The reality is that you don't know what the sliding doors version of your life would have looked like. Maybe you would have had a series of relationships in your 20s and never found the right person until your child-bearing years were past. Maybe you would have married a great guy a similar age, built a life together, then come home at 38 to find him cheating with the new 22-year-old in the office. You just don't know.

This 100%

My 20s were about really hard work, establishing my career, doing two jobs (one was quite a "big" job, but it paid rubbish), saving to buy a tiny house.

I think this is why PPs are a bit sharp with the OP. She seems stuck, as is pretty normal with 3 children under 6!

But she's projecting this onto her husband, and indulging in "grass is greener" sort of thinking. It's not productive.

And she's not really acknowledging how hugely privileged and advantaged she is. And she's ignoring how difficult her 20s might have been, as @Aur0raAustralis points out. She's projecting her discontent onto her husband, instead of thinking about self-development.

She should be using her resources to invest in herself, trying to develop the maturity she doesn't have. The OP is also subtly rejecting most of the kind and sensible suggestions made to her in this thread.

I don't think any "venom" on this thread is envy at all! (I mean what is there in her life to envy, frankly - her lack of self-actualisation is scary). It's about the way that she is still whining, when she has so many resources to hand. She doesn't see that what she's going through is absolutely normal - it's the grind of having 3 young DC. But she has the resources to do something! Yet she's making excuses not to.

I agree - it’s very easy to romanticise the life we could have had (or think we might have had)

This is not uncommon and my advice (which you may not like) is that you stick it out for your children. If you up and leave then you will be breaking up a family and it will be hard on all of you and you will really suffer as you will still be the main caregiver. You are still so young and have a lot of energy, restless feet, ambition and that is understandable, but you will still be young when your children are grown up. Then you can split - or maybe you will have changed your mind as he might be retired and you can do a whole load of fun stuff together - who knows!
You need to start doing things for yourself, outside of your family, it could be training for a triathlon or joining a book club - and try and stick to women groups as the temptation to have an affair will be strong! You need a group of women you can have a 'playful' moan too, you do not need male attention.
Don't compare yourself to your friends - who are in the first flush of love - in 10 years time they will be knee deep in children and mortgages, they will envy you!
It's just life I'm afraid - it's not perfect - but you have a responsibility to your children and a role to play that is more important than any job.

I promise I have had friends split from perfectly nice, boring husbands and 10/20 years down the line they absolutely regret it. They don't regret splitting, they just regret the timing, the upset to the children and the 'what if I'd not thought the grass was greener'.
Good luck

You met this financially successful older man aged 22. And within a year he’d taken you to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean. Which unsurprisingly, you loved - I mean, who wouldn’t .

And here you say you “could have been doing those things myself a couple of years down the line”.

Are you being realistic saying that by age 24 you’d be swanning off to three expensive long haul destinations by aged 24? Either you were on a spectacularly meteoric career path to be able to afford this or you’re looking back at what might have been with spectacularly rose coloured spectacles and perhaps some naïveté

They’re one year full time and it is a full year not a usual academic year which is around 8-9 months. They typically start September and the dissertation is due in late August time. It’s two years part time.

My DH has an MBA and it almost crushed our marriage, they are ridiculously intense and you also have to go in for workshops for 3-4 days at a time in person so it would only work for OP if she found one close to where she lives. Also, they cost a lot more than an average masters. DH was lucky his work paid the fees, it was 50k…

I’m an academic and we have a lot of mature students studying masters so it absolutely isn’t uncommon and OP wouldn’t be an anomaly if she wished to do this. Very very minimal contact hours, it’s primarily independent work. A PGCE might be another option for you though, as a PP said they are crying out for maths teachers right now and will pay you a bursary to train.

A bit harsh, but not untrue.

Op needs to grieve for the life she believes she could have had.

She wants to be a single 30 something woman meeting a kind, solvent, ambitious, caring 30 something man who will support her having a fabulous career but that is not, and can never be, her reality. She could only be a jobless divorced 30 something woman with three children. That needs to sink in, as she does not need to become that. She can stay a married while she slowly builds herself a life.
My mum would have said 'you made your bed, now lie in it' and there is some merit to that, but my favourite saying (because it is true) is 'the days are long, but the years are short'. Raising children is bloody hard work and gets to everyone - particularly if you have 3 so close together so the baby/toddler years seem never ending. This is just a phase, it will end. Once they get older it is a lot more fun and you wonder why you ever complained about the work you had to put in, shaping these wonderful humans.
OP enjoy your trappings, get childcare help, make the best of it and work towards the life you want when your children are grown.

Please stop torturing yourself over a life you never had or the life you can't have.

Make the most of your situation. You could study to do a law conversion course. Then do voluntary or part time at a charitable law firm to give you experience. Once your children are in primary school then you can look to start with a job. You need to start sorting out pension contributions too.

As you are most likely are going to divorce in the long term, start a separate bank account with some emergency money. You may not ever need it, but it's best to be prepared. Most women going through an awful divorce never thought their husbands would be capable of being so vindictive. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

You are married and you are staying at home with the kids which benefits him (as he doesn’t have to), so it wouldn’t be him paying for it, it would be you both paying for it. As his money is legally family money

Why not put the children in school/nursery and go back to work? Try for something very junior in your original field and aim to work your way up. If you’re talented it’s perfectly doable. A junior role may have less punishing hours too. Why not try it and see? Otherwise agree with a PP; get your children all in school then think about a return to work.

Agree, they are 2 years part-time and a year full time.

OP did write this:
I would say the things that I’m missing are intellectual challenge, shared interests, respect and intimacy.

Which doesn't sound ideal 🫣😟

Mututal respect is the absolute bedrock of a loving relationship.

You have said he is hardly there, but in another post you said the kids see him in the evening and some mornings a week, plus weekends. So assuming they have bedtimes roughly standard for their ages, they seem to see him a lot more than a lot of kids with dad’s in the corporate world!

Similar situation with less money though but the bare bones are the same. I’m 46 now. Please leave, don’t wait x

That told her! I wonder if she will be back to say ‘actually, I am senior partner’? 😁

Sorry OP, I've made some comments before reading all your posts! Thankfully I don't think I've said anything you don't already think.

As for a job, you are right to wait until they are in primary school - my advice is pick a good state school with wrap around care. Tell hubby state 'til 8 is the way forward as so many private preps are closing it's better to wait, but really it is so you'll be close to home and not doing a big school run. Then retrain as a teacher! He can't object to you doing something that will benefit your own children. Once you are qualified (after 1 year) use your salary to pay for a full-time helper, someone to do the school run, be with your children when they are off sick (plenty of retired people who will do this). You will still be with them every morning/evening and for the 13 weeks holiday a year.
I know lots of people are negative about teaching but my bff retrained in her 40s (after children) and loves it. She does sixth form so ('I can use my brain') and there are so many opportunities. If you are like her - ambitious, clever, hard working - you could easily be a deputy head or even head within 10 years. Training can be completely free (she did Teach First but I don't think that exists anymore) or you can do via the 1 year PGCE route. There are some really great schools out there and you will be (like BFF) in a fortunate position of being wealthy enough to wait for good school to come up and able to walk away for the really awful ones.
Even if you end up hating it - it will give you a solid CV, references and a pension. Also, once you have education experience there are many off-shoot jobs (council, government bodies, your own tutoring firm!).

I think doing something new, outside of the corporate role would be better than looking backwards at what might have been.

I’m a huge believer in the idea that a woman cannot just be “mum”. Maybe some can, but identity is important to all of us, whether we have children or not. And regardless of gender.

I want to say that I had my first at 20, to a man my age, I grew up quickly, he didn’t. Our child is a teen now and he still has a mindset of a 18 year old.

So stop comparing your life. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

I think you are probably exhausted from parenting and for some reason you can’t see a future for yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t be talking as if you wasted your life.

If you are feeling this way, do something about it. You are in a privileged position where you have your children, you have a home, you don’t need to worry about finances. So when the youngest starts nursery or school, invest in yourself.

That is exactly what I did. I had a low paying job at a resturant that allowed me to be home by midday and when I could, and on my days off I would do a course related to a hobby which kept me fulfilled and reminded me I was more than a mum and wife. And I was studying.

You have time. If you don’t act now, it will be long term regret. Take baby steps. Find a short course or something.

But also look within. I personally have the type of personality that cannot sit still, I always want to start projects or do something. However I get the sense that sometimes you allow life to just happen to you and go with the flow. You just “got whisked away on holidays” you just “had children”

Accept that you made these choices, you are where you are. It’s not a terrible position. You just need to find the spark back for yourself.

And … maybe there is a tiny bit of jealously for the freedom your husband has. I know I’ve felt that way. So do something for yourself. Get him to support you (emotionally)

OP, I am not sure if you are still reading but as a general reflection I think that you are probably understating the benefits of your husband’s income for your family life, especially in terms of housing. That nice wide hallway which is big enough to keep the pram in, that airy side return extension with the glass roof, which gives your DC a play area and stops them getting under your feet where you are cooking. The little garden plus nice shops and cafes nearby. It isn’t just luck, all of it comes at a precise cost in salary terms. I have lived that life in inner London and know exactly how expensive it is to create, because my DH and I had to toil and take huge risks to do so…. Don’t be under any illusions. If you divorce he will want his share of assets and life would look very, very different with three children in a two bed flat, in a shared building. Perhaps a three bed if you are very lucky.

Likewise, I think you are overstating how easy or fun life might have been without your marriage. The Big 4 are notorious for ditching trainees who don’t pass exams or not taking people on after qualification. Plus it is still something of a man’s world. Then there would have been finding a husband of your own age. Twenty something men are very slow to settle down these days. You may well have been successful and had the life you imagine, but it certainly wasn’t guaranteed.

I’m not sure who’s manipulating whom - the older man falling for a beautiful young thing or the young woman falling for an old, successful , rich older man who can give a lifestyle most of us can only dream about 🤔

Maybe he’s grumpy because he’s astute enough to know OP doesn’t love him and feels he’s been taken for a ride …

Do “most” of us dream of a life in a cage with a controlling man who doesn’t respect us? Some of us are not bedazzled by “lifestyle”.

Have you discussed this with him or this come up in conversation before?

I know this isn't your question as you want career advice (having ditched a corporate career that made me miserable in my late 20s to retrain as a teacher I can't help you there!), but do you think your husband would be open to marriage counseling, or at least setting aside some dedicated date time to try and refind that spark. It's not necessarily going to get the relationship back to where it was, but if you've decided you won't leave him then you owe it to yourself to try and make it as happy a relationship as it can be x

Be honest - you wouldn’t have listened to them anyway, as your kids won’t listen to you if they're in a similar situation. What are you going to say to them anyway? “Don’t do it - he’s a predatory groomer who will ruin your life?” You can’t point at your own life and tell them how shit it is or criticise their father who hasn’t done anything ostensibly wrong other than be older than your friends’ husbands.

You loved the situation you were in at the time and it didn’t profoundly damage you but you’re saying you wouldn’t want your kids to experience the same thing bc you realise in hindsight it may not have been as great as you believed. You weren’t underage or abused. It sounds pretty hypocritical if you were to judge them for what you did yourself and enjoyed.

The thing is OP, having read further replies, you say yourself you don’t want to do a 9-5 and don’t want to put them in childcare so essentially you’re both on the same page with this. It’s fine that you don’t want to do that but be confident in that decision. That’s what works for you now and what you’re doing, it doesn’t mean it’s forever.

I think the crux of it is that you’re a bit lost, a bit dissatisfied, probably a bit bored being at home with now the third baby, it can be very boring and mundane and when you’re in that headspace, it can very easily lead to what ifs and comparisons with other people who you think might be happier then you. I also think probably settling down with someone older and more sure of themselves might’ve held you back from figuring that out for yourself. I’ve been in many a situation where people have passed judgement that I’m a SAHM and made shitty comments but I really don’t care because I’m happy and confident in my life choices. I think you need to work on yourself a little bit and take control of the situation rather than being passive, and I mean that kindly, that’s not a criticism. Sit down together and discuss where you want to be in 5 years time, for both of you. This is something me and DH do regularly and it helps us to know we’re on the same page and what we want to work towards or achieve.

Is this because he’s working and has you to look after them though? It’s unfair to judge him for spending less time with them given those two circumstances.