AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

If it stops even one intelligent but naive starry eyed youngster reading from following suit then job done

You're young enough to restart your career or do something else.

So you've lost ground, so what? It doesn't mean you can't still have a satisfying and successful career now.

You're wealthy enough as a couple to afford childcare and retrain, so go do it.

It's very telling OP that your mind is on the possibility of marrying again.

Your entire adult life has been lived in the thrall of a man. You aren't happy with the outcome and yet here you are thinking of the next man.

You are very young still. You have possibly 50 years ahead of you to make what you will of your life. It doesn't have to be the life you could have started at 23 - it can be ANYTHING. You can retrain to be ANYTHING. You have time, money and opportunity - lots of people transform their lives without those gifts.

Think of you now. What do you want - for you and your children? Not with a man - but in your own heart and mind. Work on that. Spend time on it. Make lists and hone it down and then throw your whole self behind it.

Do you want it to work out with your husband? If so then talk to him, throw your all behind that, but work on you and your needs as part of it.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. It's irrelevant. Only you and your life matter.

Get bloody well on with it or one day you'll wake up 55 with a man you don't particularly like much who is 71 and very much slowing down. Your children will be off living their own lives. You'll be left with him. How would that be?

Will you be looking at the kitchen wall then thinking when I was in my 30s I could have transformed my life if I'd got my act together. Or will you be doing something else you love, grown children thriving in the world, a life lived on your terms?

Except that I would discuss it with him after you’ve investigated your options and have an idea for what you want.

I agree with those who say that you still sound quite passive.
What happens when the three kids are in school? Given you had them back to back that will happen quite soon. You can retrain. You can do courses online. You can volunteer.
Why don't you have a pension? What is your long term financial plan for yourself? Can you start putting money away into a pension pot?
Who has done the long term financial planning for your family? You were in a corporate job six years ago and so surely you can step in and organise this and see what needs doing to protect yourself.

You are trying to fix the wrong thing- you could have an amazing compatible relationship and you would still be bored and financially vulnerable. Fix those two things first.

Look @Agegapwoes, you have to sort your mind out on SOMETHING. Whatever your choice is, you need to actively make a choice and stop sleepwalking through your whole life.

You were swept away by him, gave in to having children earlier because he wanted them sooner, accepted being a SAHM (women ALWAYS think this is positive when actually it traps them in unhappy situations).

Yes, your options are different than before. But you still have some. If you're not going back to your previous career, look for something else instead. And then work out what you need to do to get it. Retrain. Study again. Get a nanny / in home help. If he earns well, he can afford it.

Even if you don't split up, your work will be for you. ONE DAY, when the children are gone you might want to leave. But you'll never have that option if you don't take control of your own life now. And thinking about what you want is the first step.

I also became a mum at 25. My child was unwell and my career in finance went down the pan so I hear you. My husband and I are the same age as each other so not quite the same but he wasn’t earning a lot when I couldn’t work as he’d not moved up the career ladder yet. Life felt very tough and we almost split.

Wind the clock forward and to give you some hope our child is now at uni. I never got back to my career that was but I do have a really interesting job in quite a niche role in local government that comes with a lot of flexibility.

Over time our relationship improved and things now feel so much better than they did. I look at all my friends and relatives who still have to face secondary school choices, GCSEs, A levels etc and I don’t wish I’d done everything later. There will be a job out there for you and your children will become less dependent. Take care and hang in there.

I think you have been manipulated but also very passive, and continue to be.

You can't return to the careers trajectory you had but you can change so much else.

You need to be future proofing. You acknowledge that he’s maybe not happy either and so you’re vulnerable if you split up. If he’s a high earner I’m sure you’ll not be left penniless but I would want to have something myself if he decided to leave before you do. Can you explore a different career? Once your youngest is in school, could you retrain? How do you think he’d respond if you said you want to work?

Work out what will make you content.

It sounds like you're missing a career or a good job.

A different man isn't likely to give you anything more, other than love. So you need to be proud of yourself and I think it's the challenge of stretching yourself now that you need.

You're still really young.

Plus he doesn't need to be grumpy, raise it with him and tell him to get a grip.

The attitude to divorce on MN is so strange (and often from people who haven't done it). Sounds like you need to get your career going OP but of course you should leave if you're unhappy - you're so young! Maybe try counselling first, but kids aren't ultimately happy in a bad marriage, neither will your husband be, so there's literally no point staying! Unless things can radically improve - only you know if that's possible.

I am 10000% happier after my divorce and so are the vast majority of divorced women I know (even if finances have been tough). Money isn't everything, as you've discovered. Freedom, independence - and maybe love, when you're ready - count for so much more.

'other than love?'

I think human beings need love!

So you are 31 and he is 47/48? That is a significant gap
What is done cannot be undone but you can decide what to do next. I would definately say you need a job. Something to be just yours and to focus on. You are only 31. Many women start having kids at that age and beyond. You may find now the maternity leave days are behind you, you have a clear trajectory towards progression. Or you could do something completely different from what you did before and that you enjoy?
Reading the thread over last few days about men in middle age being grumpy etc I dont think itll be any better...

I would say try and get something for you. And then sre how your marriage is when he needs to step up to support you working too!

Agree with others I think this is really common with age gap relationships, and rather than the gap feeling smaller as you get older it starts to feel bigger, you’re in very different stages of life and always will be.

You need to take some control OP, as others have said you are in a better position than many because money buys you options, childcare, retraining if you wanted to, the ability to get back into the workforce and young enough that you still have lots of time to build that. Start thinking about you.

It's not unreasonable to be unhappy or bored, of course, but you have the enormous privilege of being able to DO something about it! Presumably your family finances would be fine with hiring a nanny/ getting childcare so that you can embark on a career. So do it! It sounds like you are giving yourself excuses not to ("I would have been at xx level if I hadn't had kids...") rather than exploring opportunities.

Being bored is awful, and will lead you to overthink everything about your relationship. Start working/ training/ studying for something and see if that changes things. And if it doesn't, you split up. Like the millions of other children whose parents divorce, yours will be absolutely fine.

“We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London”

So hang on to that. I assume one of the reasons you see little of your DH is because he’s away working - so you need to have some sort of a life for yourself. You are in the enviable position of being able to do pretty much what you like while the DC are at school, so join a club/learn a language/follow whatever interests you and join a group of like-minded people. You’re in London: you can do anything you want, because there will be groups and places that provide it. Marriages and different, and the grass is far from greener on the other side of the fence. I married someone of the same age, and my first marriage was profoundly unhappy - we were also perilously short of money because idiot ex kept losing or being fired from jobs. (He was a bright boy, Oxbridge educated, but thought he knew better than anyone else.) My sister, on the other hand, has a marriage where she kept house and looked after the DC and her husband went to work and did whatever work required so they are extremely well off, and the arrangement suits them. What I’m saying is, OP, look at how you can make this work. Would you really be wanting to live in a grotty flat with a massive mortgage, worrying about wrap around care and what to do with the DC during the holidays? There is much that is to be envied in your situation - so be pleased your DH is a high earner and that it gives you choices, and cherish him as the father of your DC.

I absolutely guarantee that those young women are not reading AIBU!

First of all, try not to beat yourself up - almost no one makes good decisions when they are 22. Your brain is still developing, so you basically can’t!

your husband was a fully grown adult at the time, yet choose to go after a woman barely out of her teens. I’m not surprised he hasn’t turned out to be a prince. But honestly, you can’t have known that at 22. What did your parents think?

as others have said, I’d focus on getting back on the career ladder now. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the same field you were in before - but you clearly need a change. You could consider an advanced degree, or just dive into an entry-level role - it might be a bit of an ego bash (especially if you consider that you ‘should’ be in a high paying role by now), but it’ll be even more of an ego bash in 5 years, so do it now.

Yeah, badly worded by me there.

But that's what it sounds like here. Another man won't fix contentment but might make everything easier and better but she also needs to fix the bit she's currently missing, doing something for herself and taking control of her direction back.

Still not worded well...

They are very young atm. It would be very unhealthy for them to grow up in a household where their mother is unhappy and increasingly resentful of their father. Does your husband feel the same as you do?

You seem to be imagining a version of yourself that would have happened had you not married him but maybe you need to stop doing that. You don't actually know what you would be like now. You might not have met someone else, had a stellar career etc. I'm not saying don't consider your options now, if you're unhappy, but also I wonder if it's unwise to compare yourself against a fictionalised version of yourself.

With 3 kids so young I do think you should consider counselling . If there are no third parties I believe there is always a possibility of renewing the marriage . Communication always seem to be the problem and perhaps a therapist can guide you both . At least then , if you still decide you want to separate you can be glad that you tried .
However I think it is unfair to blame him for you choosing to be a SAHM . You could have continued working as you seem to have enough resources to afford good childcare . You made these decisions too and it would be unrealistic to think that you could just go regain this career now.

It was perfect for you at the time. You were being spoilt by an older man who viewed you as a prize simply bc of how young your body was and your lack of worldly experience. Now you have grown older you have developed your personality and aren’t the young, impressionable, sexy and easily impressed person you were when he fell for you. And he isn’t the wealthy, attractive, mature, experienced, doting person he was when you fell for him. When he was taking you on all these luxurious holidays and you were staying in his no doubt much nicer house than the rest of your friends were living in at the time, I’m sure you weren’t envying them then, and were actually proud of the life you were living, which presumably was being financed 100% by him. He was a ‘catch’.

Now they are finally catching up and are with younger partners than you are, and despite everything you’ve admitted to having, you’re not happy for them, you’re jealous, and dissatisfied with your life.

This is a classic case of your diamond shoes being too tight. It’s understandable to be dissatisfied with your current situation, but you obviously enjoyed it at the time and now you want more. A younger model perhaps?

Not a lot of sympathy here.

Yes I am. I definitely am guilty of always thinking about what could have been.

Yes this is why I dumped my older boyfriend after 7 years ( he was 15 years older and I met him at 22). So glad I did. I met a man two years younger and we had much more in common. Men like that like young women. They have Peter Pan syndrome and things do tend to sour as you (the woman)age.