AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

What a wonderful start to your adult life, honestly it sounds like your early 20s were fabulous! I’m jealous!

Tentatively perhaps the biggest issue here is having three kids under six at the age of 31 having never established your identity as an independent working adult.

You only had three years of work, and that was alongside a whirlwind of fun with a wonderful older man. I certainly don’t blame you for being swept up in HIS plans and giving him the family he longed for while he was still young enough.

It’s absolutely normal to find times of our lives things seem to have derailed slowly without us being able to stop it. Marriage is a very difficult commitment, and you entered marriage quite young.

Personally having kids under 6 was the most exhausting time of my life . Go on the larger families MN board and everyone says - a third baby isn’t just a little more effort, it’s a lot. I did it later than you - had my kids in late 30s and 40s. It’s the same problem - a few years in I’ve lost “me”. I’m just “mum”. It’s so common to have trouble and often hard to see a solution but often it’s just time - when the kids grow up things improve.

Hard to fancy anyone when you are in baby- making and mummy mode. Hard to know who you are, or even which way is up!

Maybe… Give it a few years for the kids all to reach primary age…

In that time make a plan how you want to change yourself. You can afford to train or retrain. You could afford to have an amazing life with your kids and continue as a sahm. Also you might rediscover sex - weirdly that happened for me and dh after a years of almost nothing, once we were less exhausted by tiny children we found each other again.

Whereas if you leave, what does your future look like? You’d have to leave your lovely London home. I guess you’d have to share custody with a man who doesn’t have much time for his children. So maybe you just get paid a pittance to be their mum via CSA payments, and dad sees them EOW. Not many single mums of three young kids find time for wonderful new relationships or satisfying careers. What wonderful man in his 30s wants to have a blended family with three kids from another man with a woman who doesn’t have a career and doesn’t now have time to build one? What well-paid career offers the flexibility to raise three kids, when you haven’t first put in 15 years of hard graft to earn that benefit by acquiring valuable skills and experience?

You would be a fool to leave your dh or even consider it before you establish yourself. You are still very young - plenty of time to fix this situation. But I would say stick out 5 years with dh - really work on it; talk to him about what would help you. Find out how he feels. And get that career bubbling again before you consider binning off the relationship.

By the way as a sahm you need lots of friends and activities to stay really tethered to your own self identity and self esteem. My mum did it this way - sahm but also Sunday school teacher, part time flower arranger, Scout leader, St John’s ambulance, PTA treasurer, school governor, volunteer reader at school, part of a baby sitting circle, knitting hats for premature babies, shaking collection tins for Red Cross… just to name a few of the things she did. She was constantly busy and trying new things. She was beloved in her community - she had to go to Tesco at opening time when it was quiet because otherwise “it takes an extra hour because so many people want to say hello and catch up on news and I’ve no time for that!”.

So pick a path, find yourself before you decide your marriage is the problem, give yourself time and don’t compare yourself to other people!

Well I don’t @ButterYellowFlowers! I have a similar age gap with my DH, met him at a similar age and, at that time, had a similar disparity in income. The difference for me was, I wanted to catch up! I didn’t want him to out earn me by so much and I had no interest in being paid for, or “speeded up”. I focused on my career, with his full support and spent the first 10 yrs of our relationship building my career and earnings. We now earn a similar income and more than 2 decades later, are still very happy.
That said, we have mutual respect, still actively chose to spend time together, have lots of shared interests and intimacy. If you don’t have those things op, I’m not sure it’s worth trying to revive it, irrespective of the age gap?
In your situation I’d use the money you have access to, to outsource some childcare and get back to work.

@Noideawhatthetimeisnobody was talking about you or every age gap relationship ever. It’s a common pattern observed time and time again and with OP.

Well, it sounds like an act of self-sabotage to me. I’ve seen it in friends who decided to make it more difficult for themselves to leave a relationship they’d already realised wasn’t working.

Obviously, you are where you are now. But I think you should focus right now on getting yourself back into a new career via retraining etc. It means you’re in the best possible decision to make a decision about your marriage in the future.

YANBU but you have options and separation is only one of them.

You're obviously very bright. You're right that you won't be able to get back on exactly the same career path but you should think very seriously about re-entering the workplace. You have a high income as a family - use it to hire a really good nanny. It is very normal to lose your identity with very young children and working is one way for you to get it back. Working gives you options to be able to leave down the line if that's right for you, or it might give you enough sense of fulfilment to be able to live with another ten years or so of being roommates with your husband.

Can you retrain while you’re at home? Maybe in something that links to your previous career if you enjoyed it? Also do some volunteer work if you can just to keep your CV updated while you’re out of work.

That's quite fast to plan a child, really, at that age. That, combined with all the expensive holidays etc makes me wonder if there was some love bombing etc going on, but if he's a decent fellow/not abusive, then that's probably neither here nor there.

As to your changes, as pp points out, that's because he was already a fully matured adult, while you still had a lot of growing and maturing to do. Generally it's better if you both either grow together, or are already finished maturing when you meet. Although there are never any guarantees in life.

And I suppose you must have twins and a singleton, or triplets, otherwise to have three children who are primary-aged but under six would've been some rapid fire pregnancies! Either way, you're just coming out of the trenches of motherhood and probably lost yourself a lot during that time, and are just beginning to try to figure out who you are now, in the wake of parenthood and the growth of your late twenties.

It's possible that (if he's a decent bloke) with some marriage counselling, some focus on your marriage, and prioritising yourself, this could end up being a bump in the road, and things could turn around. But it'll take some honesty, care, and dedication from both of you (and less absence from him, and more hands on parenting), to figure that out.

Not sure where you go from here, but try to be kind to yourself.

I, too, had an amazing career trajectory and it very much stalled, for different reasons to you. One of the reasons being an abusive / cheating ex partner who ground me down and I also left my job to move and facilitate his career.

that was in my early 20s and all in the past now. Been with husband since my mid 20s and while he is fine, he was a low earner for many years (very hard worker in a low paid, altruistic field) which made it impossible for me to study for the qualifications I needed as I had to work long hours.

he is better paid now (although still long hours) and I don’t resent him…..although I do feel a bit wtf that these two men had such an impact on my career trajectory when they should have had none.

I now have my qualifications and work in the field always wanted to. But I work part time due to the kids and there’s no denying it’s impacting my career. I should be so much further ahead for my age.

all that to say, we are similar in that our careers have no taken off the way they should have.

But bigger picture wise - for me, personally, if I had a high earning husband and was able to be a stay at home mum, I think I could be happy if I got involved in charity work, but also some kind of paid employment or freelance for myself, to earn some money of my own, doing something I enjoyed. IF I had a good and equal partnership with my husband.

iF I was busy, motivated, making a difference in the community and felt respected I could live with not having a high flying career. But if I didn’t feel fulfilled, and he didnt respect me, I could see that situation falling into the miserable housewife at home, cheating husband trope.

So I guess what I’m saying is, maybe have a heart to heart with your husband?

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble. And I was actually going to comment on how eloquently you write!

I agree. I knew someone who had had. her children between the ages of 19 - 22. I didn’t know her at the time but when I net her, she was in her 30s and had qualified as a solicitor, later becoming a highly successful head of department in a large organisation. What I vividly remember is that when I met her she was working in a professional job, signing the “having a baby cards” of people her own age who were leaving work to have their first child, whilst her own were thinking about university.

There is definitely a life ahead of you and given that you have funds to support pretty much whatever you want to do, I should start planning. You might do worse than consult a career counsellor to see where your options and interests lie. It very much sounds as though you could do with an objective and informed outside view, to help you develop the career that you deserve. Your children will also benefit from the example you set that way as their mother.

Definitely get a nanny.

You could leave your husband if you no longer feel for him, but it definitely won't improve your life- you will still have 3 children of primary age and a derailed career, and almost certainaly you'd have less money and probably have to live somewhere else.
You are not unreasonable resented the choices you have made- but that's the thing- they are choices you made.
So you can stay, be comfortable, and try and reconnect with your husband- and accept you will have to care for him when his health declines. That won't be for years yet, but it can be a heavy burden particularly if your relationship is not good.
Or you can file for divorce, maybe have to move , live inless comfortable circumstances and try and regain a little of your life. Changing horses is difficult, and although there are plenty of blended families you may not find anyone who wants a relationship with you, as you have 3 young children (that's if you can find time and date).
So the balls in your court- good luck.

Ignore the relationship for the moment. Focus on your career - maybe you can’t return to your previous role, but at 31 there are plenty of respectable and stimulating careers still open to you - accountant, financial advisor, solicitor, healthcare (nursing, radiographer, occupational therapist), you could go back to uni and do a masters or PhD, the sky is pretty much the limit.

Will they pay £500k like your DH’s job, no probably not, but that doesn’t make them any less stimulating or rewarding. And you’d have a pension and some security if your marriage ends.

You can retrain while the kids are in nursery, and aim to go back to work FT when the youngest is 5. An afterschool nanny will allow you to work FT and you will still see plenty of the kids, especially as you get more established and are allowed more flexibility.

You literally said “it’s why EVERYONE says age gaps are bad!”. I am merely pointing out that no, not everyone and they can work, IF you think ahead.
And, op can still make this work in her favour, by getting some childcare and going back to work. That may well improve the relationship and if not, she
will be better set for financial independence.

If you do decide to separate, factor in the fact that he will very quickly move onto another young, impressionable woman who he can wow with everything that attracted you to him plus three cute kids that he can roll out to show his caring side and he will soon have DC with her, yours will be secondary and the maintenance will be cut back.
So give it a chance. Have you discussed any of this with him? He must have been impressed by your abilities at work as that was one of the things which he found attractive so hopefully he will encourage you to do something. What would you like to do? What steps need to be in place for that to happen - childcare? A training course? What?
Also, if he is so fabulously successful and such a high earner, surely he isn’t that far off retirement. At which point you can step up and he can become the one who takes day to day responsibility for the kids whilst you also get to enjoy far flung, glossy holidays with your tweens/teens.
There are all sorts of options available. Looking enviously at your friends and feeling that your glass is half empty should not be one of them. After all, if you do chose to leave, even if maintenance is minimal, you will have received half of his assets which is a huge financial boost that is probably more than you would have been able to earn yourself in the time.

You sound bored. Your husband isn’t responsible for your intellectual challenge. You’re clearly intelligent and now you’re not using your brain.

Retrain? Go back to work?

If you don’t want to because you prefer to be with your children, then understand that’s your choice and you’re consistently making it. Feeling sorry for yourself for your own ongoing choices is a waste of a (charmed) life.

This is a completely unnecessary comment

You said you barely see him due to his work?

This.

Now isn't the time to make big relationship decisions. I can understand the regrets but there is a lot that is good about your position now. Use this time to work out what you want for the next few decades, dust off your skills, think through a career plan & route to financial stability.

Why don't you try talking / counselling / doing new things together first?

that is quiet an accusation.

You must fix your pension problem as a priority. Keeping payments into a pension in your name going (from his salary) when you became a sahm should have been a priority. It's not at all too late now but realising this fact when you're 56 will be (ask me how I know). Yes if you divorce you'll be entitled to some of his pension but is his pension enough for two, and how much will be left when you reach pension age given he's going to take his 16 years before you? You need to start getting money in now so you can get the benefit of it growing.

Secondly, don't give up on a career now. Like others have said you've got the advantage of having had your children young - lots of people will envy you that. And you have funds for childcare. If you can identify something you want to train as then do that it or just look for any part time work initially. Starting with something voluntary could help. Starting to be financially independent will give you the most choices long term (including to divorce if you choose to do that one day) and in many ways you are in a really good position.

I'm not sure what you're asking either OP. I mean, you went into this with your eyes wide open. He didn't lie about his age or his stage of life, yes it sounds like he swept you off your feet, but you didn't have to marry him - you could've just dated him for a bit - which is what I did with a guy of a similar age gap when I was 25. So, it's all very well to regret marrying him now, after three kids in six years, but this was your choice, that you made freely.

As to what you should do, I suggest you go and have some sessions with a relationship counsellor on your own. Explore what it is that you feel and what you want to do. You're still really young and haven't been out of the workplace for that long. If your DH is wealthy, presumably you could afford childcare and go back to work, if that's what you want to do. And if you want to leave/divorce him, you can also do that, but you will be a single parent to three small DC and you won't be as comfortably off as you are now.

I dont think anyone in this position is unreasonable. It only becomes unreasonable if it turns nasty.

You married a successful man who wasnt exactly past it. He was 38 fgs. OK he offered a lot of things men of your own age might not have been able to offer but it is completely normal to be attracted to what this man could offer.

He also is no mug. He will have known EXACTLY what he was letting himself in for having a younger wife. Having a family with that wife and all the changes the future would bring with your own development and his own. Of course he would have hoped you could grow old together etc etc but he would have to be mad to not wonder if you would be content with everything once you had 3 children, home life etc.

The unreasonable bit comes next when you decide to divorce him. It sounds eminently doable for you both to split, have a nice life sharing your children and moving on with seperate lives. You have the finances to do it.

I would say go for it. Your children will benefit, you will benefit and in the long run so will he. Its always the financial side that people get hung up on but who wants to have loads of money and be sad when they can have plenty of money and be very happy.

Op stop complaining you’re in a great position none of your problems are actual problems: you’re married so you’re financially protected and half that big house and his big pension are yours. Without having to do a hard slog of a career, lucky you! You are missing out on nothing by not having had to live on the breadline to save up for a flat deposit that’s such a joke of a problem to have invented. Yes you’re busy with the school runs etc but if you don’t want to be a sahm it sounds like your family could easily afford after school nanny or au pair to allow you to go back to work full time. I changed my career at 27 so it’s not too late for you to retrain or work your way up in a company now, while having all the bills taken care of, the world is your oyster you can do ANYTHING you want! maybe go and see a life coach to work out what that is?
and of course you can leave him and get a new relationship if you like, lots of people divorce and it doesn’t sound like it would be a huge change to your children’s lives. If you had a live in au pair you could go on dates a couple of nights a week.

You have all the power (but perhaps not yet the bravery) to totally change your life and make it everything you want

I will give you some advice OP. As a lone parent of many years and a high earner. You are in a precarious position. You have no pension and no way of running a household financially if you divorced. And don’t say he won’t as you don’t know this. The days of spousal support are over, this is very rarely given. So start getting your life back, retrain, get some more childcare in to do that. Get back in control.

Your children deserve a happy mom and a happy dad. My parents divorced and I was and still am happy about it many years later! Wishing you all the best.
This is your one life, too!