AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

You can't change the past, so is it possible to reframe the way you think about the past - be appreciative of the experience you've had, and now plan for a new chapter, perhaps involving splitting up? You could presumably afford to get some therapy. You have lots of time to retrain, rethink, start anew. It's not the end of the world to end a relationship that isn't working! Regret is not going to get you anywhere at all, and without the decisions you've made you wouldn't have the kids you have. Imagine the future you want now, not a different past you can't have.

I did. I was 30 when he died, with two young dc. I remarried at 36 and had another dc at 37. My husband now was also widowed and brought my stepdaughter with him. So, four children between us and we try to make a nice life for them. Blended families get a lot of stick on here but I think (and very much hope) they are happy.

There's only a small age gap in this relationship now, he's 4 years older. More than that - I was older and I made a better decision and have married for love - real love. There is hope. Obviously you have to be cautious about getting involved with people when you have young kids but... it can work out. And you are still very young.

YANBU. However I think whatever your situation, there would be major compromises and you’re only able to see that your particular situation has involved compromises.

I am also married to an older man, though less of an age gap and when we met (me mid twenties him late thirties) we were equal financially. I waited a decade to have kids so my career was secure first - or so I thought. I didn’t have my first child till 35. My career has never recovered, while his has soared after a very slow start. My point is that it’s not only the age/wealth gap that has caused some of these resentments. You may find that you’d had children older with someone younger than you and you’d still feel very trapped in your circumstances as a parent.

What is it that you’re missing in your current situation? Companionship? Respect? Intellectual challenge?

Rather than focus on your past I would ask yourself these questions and think about how you want to answer them. If you’re only in your thirties you could have a huge career ahead of you now if that’s what you want. I’m now closer to 50 and can never regain my standing.

when you get there: Only being mid forties with young adult kids is a massive bonus, I promise you. I often wish I’d done it earlier- after all I was with their dad for a decade before we took the leap.

Get a nanny and go back to work. Or retrain in something new.

16 years is literally old enough to be her father. And they met when she was straight out of university, and he was about to hit his forties. It's a big age gap, and given she was so young, it does make me raise an eyebrow.

It's not necessarily an issue, but it does at the very least mean they'll be going through different life stages at different times, which can cause problems, as it seems to have here.

I’m also not sure that the first year of expensive holidays/weekends away/gifts, doesn’t fall far from love-bombing.

@Agegapwoes I also married an older man when I was 22. He was 33, so not such a big age difference as yours. I also did not marry for money as I had no idea how much he earned or if he had savings. It turned out he was quite wealthy which I had no idea about.
We had a child when I was 27.
He had lots of hobbies and outside interests, some of which I shared until I had our child. Him being absent a lot after DD was born was difficult. I became a SAHM like you. I felt like a single parent a lot of the time and started to resent him. I also stopped being attracted to him.
When DD was 6 I met someone else through friends. I decided I couldn't go on with my marriage. I was 33 then. I started divorce proceedings and he became abusive when I did that, which accelerated the split. I went on to remarry and have another child and a lovely life with my second husband and both my children. I never regretted leaving. I am 66 now and alone as my second husband died 15 years ago. He was a wonderful man and we had lots of adventures which I will remember forever. He was older than I as well, but only 8 years. I had grown up a lot by then so that age difference didn't matter. Life is too short to be unhappy. You need to move on.

He was already grown up. What change did you expect? He was a middle aged man who had already climbed the career ladder. He was grown up.

And people do get grumpier as they get older, especially with kids! It’s just that usually, if you’re closer in age, you understand that more. I don’t mean like actually grumpy, just things can be more stressful. But there is still happiness and everything else. If grumpy is all he is the that isn’t very good. But I’m not sure what “growing up”‘you were expecting. He already matured but you missed that new use you were a teenager who didn’t know him. You met him as a fully formed grown man. He met you as a kid out of uni, so of course you’ve grown up.

You didn’t ‘settle down’. You threw your whole career and prospects away!
Forget ‘future relationships’. That should be the least of your worries. Focus on getting into the job market. Or do you want to be one of those 60 + year olds who has zero life experience and nothing to say in company as all they have done is trail about after a man.

You really need to protect yourself here. If he is also not happy then he may make the decisions to end the marriage and then where would you be?

I would make a new career for you your top priority. You’re in a bit of a precarious situation here. I have a friend who is wiping bums in a care home to make ends meet as her marriage ended and she had no career. The divorce from her wealthy husband didn’t set her up financially in the way she thought it would and she was shocked to find out that child maintenance is capped.

Thanks for sharing.

I would say the things that I’m missing are intellectual challenge, shared interests, respect and intimacy.

Tale as old as time I’m afraid. Older rich man woos early 20s woman. Secures trophy wife. Woman reaches 30s… her frontal lobe finishes developing. The shine of the relationship that was lots of impressing the young woman with money and maturity she’s not used to wears off.

You were manipulated by him onto the fast track… it speeds everything up past your peers etc (marriage, kids, older husband) and then suddenly you’re still really young and everyone is just starting to do what you’ve already done and your life feels old and boring and closed off because you finished all that and you’re living like you’re in your 40s.

It’s why everyone always says age gaps are bad!

Yes, I see all of this now. Unfortunately I didn’t realise it as a 23 year old.

I did the opposite to you. Married an older man but I didn't meet him until I was 36.

I would say, that I travelled a lot in my 20s, which was great, but I don't miss it now I have a young child. I am sad that I didn't meet DH younger as we were not able to have a second child. A lot of my friends have fertility troubles.

My Mum, on the other hand, married young and had kids young. We'd flown the nest by the time she was my age (45) and she had an amazing time doing all her travelling then.

My point is, try to enjoy your current stage of life. It sounds like there's a lot good in it. By the time your kids have left home, you will still be young and have loads of time for other experiences.

Maybe you won't earn as much but you are wealthy so could do something lower paid but that you love. Start your own business.

Think about what you yourself like and carve out time for a hobby. I'm a sahm but have several hobbies for myself. Or go back to work now, at least part time? Or do an OU course?

I'd also talk to your husband about spending more time together and trying new things together in a bid to reconnect, if you want to. If you hardly see him I think it's unsurprising you have lost the attraction.

This sums it up entirely.

But you have options to retrain for something else now. Money is clearly not lacking. Start thinking seriously about this now.

And future relationships will be exactly the same as for the enormous numbers of people with children from a previous relationship. It’s not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

Can I ask a question? Why have two more children in quick succession when you’d realised after the birth of your first child that you were incompatible? Were you just trying to rule out the possibility of leaving?

Are you unhappy with him or are you unhappy because you are bored with your life now with kids are school age?
Imagine what life would be without him. Not the material bits, but how much he helps with the kids and supports you emotionally.
Do you still find him handsome, care about him and want him to be happy?
If the answers to these things are positive, that's where your future lies. The material parts are extras. Are you financially independent? You could always get a part time job to pay for little treats. Have some activities and purchaces that are just for you paid with your money but can't you also plan some outings for you and your husband without the kids on something you both enjoy?
On the other hand, if, on reflection you don't care about him and don't find him supportive it might be better to split, but that would still be easier if you had some money, so a job would seem to be the next step in either event.

Could you look into returnship programs?

And get an after school nanny.

you are still very young. Don’t look back someday and think “I was 31, I has my whole life ahead of me to change my circumstances and didnt do it, and now it’s too late”.

He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t choose to have the kids living elsewhere.

In terms of feeling your career is over - I’m 31 and doing a new degree to start a completely new career. There are many on my course in 40s and 50s even - and with children. It’s never too late to launch.

I wanted siblings for my child.

What you think will happen, and what actually happens are often 2 very different things. When it comes to divorce all bets are off, you have no idea what he will do.

This is the best advice. For the moment build up your own situation from the safety of your marriage. Things might change emotionally over time when you have had the opportunity to develop yourself although it is distinctly possible it will go in the other direction but you will have given the situation your best chance and set up a situation that gives your children the best life long opportunities. Ensure you use a nanny though because it does not sound like your husband will be available for the day to day parenting.

In 10 years time, your kids will be getting ready to fly the nest. A lot of your friends who haven't settled down until their 30s will still be in the weeds of childraising. While you will be starting to get your freedom back. They will all be looking at your lifestyle and wishing they had their kids earlier. Neither is right or wrong, only different trajectories.

I would stop and really think about what it is that is causing your dissatisfaction.

Do you want a career of whatever description? Or would a community role scratch that itch?
You say you don't find him attractive. Does he take care of himself? Does he take care of you?
Love and attraction in long term relationships, particularly when their are kids involved is complicated. What do either of you do to really nurture your relationship or are you both drifting along? If he is fundamentally a good man, I would be doing all I could to try and rebuild rather than walk away for a 'grass looks greener over there' illusion.

I have the most hands on, engaged and feminist ally of a husband imaginable. But my career was still somewhat screwed by kids. That happens because of our society as much as anything else.

However, you were only 22 when you met. Your brain wasn't fully mature. At 38, he'd had 16 more years of adulthood than you, unencumbered by kids. That's a huge amount of time for climbing career ladders, partying, travelling, meeting different people, shagging different people, trying out being different people.

So whilst technically not grooming, surely he knew that by bringing you into a life lived on his timescale he was taking something from you? Surely he knew what he was getting himself into?

The thing about age gap relationships is that in your early 20s you think he's fallen for you because you're just so damn hot. You don't have the life experience to understand he's also fallen for you because you're naïve and you haven't heard his jokes or his excuses before. You're more likely to put up with crap. There's a huge power imbalance that he's exploiting.

I don't think you should feel any guilt whatsoever if you decide this isn't the life you want. He got all the benefits of a woman nearly a generation younger for a while. Now she wants life on her terms. Surely he must have known the inherent risk?