Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Please also check Snapchat and Instagram @Welshie2 if she's younger she will no doubt have it and there could be pics being sent

And even more so if you’re still on probation.

Unless she’s really stupid, IMHO there’s either a well-established relationship or she’s encouraged the whole thing as leverage to make sure he has to pass her, promote her further.

If he has any sense he’d look to move company asap. Why would you want that hanging over you? Though she could still go to a tribunal after he’s left.

I actually shouted OH FUCK OFF at him when I read the bit where he accused her of taking advantage of him for her kicks.

He's a fucking moron. For the whole thing - for what he has done with her that he's admitted to, and for what he hasn't admitted to. For thinking you'd swallow his bullshit. For fucking his colleague (because I do think it's unlikely that this isn't a full physical affair). For behaving so damn unprofessionally in the workplace. For cheating on you. For acting so damn disrespectfully towards you. For lying to you. For gaslighting you. All of it, he's a grade A tosser.

This is textbook The Script, as others have said. Do whatever you want, but please do yourself a favour and read up on DARVO and the script, and know that you can't trust a word that comes out of his cakehole.

You say that he’s let you see incriminating messages (indicating that you believe the story he hasn’t deleted any). Of course he will leave some incriminating messages because you’ve caught him. He had to show you some wrongdoing from his part to make it look real.

He has shown you what he thinks he can get away with., so you can bet your bottom dollar the rest was much worse.

Be interesting to see that thread from her side!

You need to read the messages to check what an employment tribunal would think of them. She might be a bimbo but she only needs to get a bit of free legal advice and she would have a case if there’s any way to prove he was harassing her. It sounds like they wouldn’t stand up in court because it goes two ways but as we haven’t seen them we can’t advise.

you are really buying into everything your husband tells you. Because I think that’s what you need/want to believe.
you need to make your own judgement on the possibility of him losing his job over the messages he has sent. Never underestimate what a bimbo will do and never underestimate what a man whi sends those kinds of messages will do.

stop being a walkover and don’t listen to everything he says.

Do you honestly think those text messages are the only communication happening between them? Come on. A large company will have teams pr something. They will be talking on something like at aswell. Hes screwing her.

A line manager telling his direct report to slowly walk by him, so he’s got a good view of her arse?!! And said to her that her arse should be eighth wonder of the world! Where I work our HR would take a dim view on that!

Also u said he’s shown you all their message thread, fair enough, but this was after he'd stormed out and had chance to maybe doctor the message thread to implicate her more? Hes definitely been encouraging her, I don’t believe the arse comments are all that’s been said.

watch him like a hawk OP, if he hadn’t have been caught he wouldn’t have put a stop on it I’m sure

Yes. They will have internal monitoring from IT Cyber Security who can pull up all comms vets them if company machines have been used. And they are often randomly picked up. He should be concerned. And she can request they are pulled if she wants to us them in any tribunal or HR situation. It's astounding how relaxed he is, hence I think they're at it. I wouldn't just go along with it. My adult daughters wouldn't. Not unless they have a relationship.Maybe he's told her he's single but either way you know a fraction what's going on. I'm sorry OP. You deserve better.

It seems to me that the two of them are getting a thrill, specifically out of having an inappropriate work affair. I missed the bit about her saying she wouldn’t wear knickers one day but that combined with the ‘dangerous’ bit when they were having the 121 makes me think that.

I think they’ve probably already been having sex for some time.

You need to read the messages to check what an employment tribunal would think of them. She might be a bimbo but she only needs to get a bit of free legal advice and she would have a case if there’s any way to prove he was harassing her. It sounds like they wouldn’t stand up in court because it goes two ways but as we haven’t seen them we can’t advise.

Remember there's that imbalance of power here, especially as she's on probation at that grade.

She could very easily say that she was going along with it all; purely because she thought if she didn't then he may find an excuse for her to fail the probation.

And a new wife!!

I really hope you are okay @Welshie2
This is a lot to take, you must be feeling absolutely devastated and so conflicted! I hope you have someone to lean on.

The collective ick on this thread is enough to sink a continent.

He's playing both of you for a fool.

Yet still OP seems to want to make excuses for him.

Tbh op you don’t need to read anyone else’s messages but your own to see that he’s lying

from the first night to last night the story has changed as he’s had time to think it through but the contradictions between the two are massive

Probably because she's in shock.

I've been there. Wasn't married, no shared finances or children to worry about. But despite knowing he was messaging randoms on Instagram and other social media telling them they were stunning..... but he "couldn't remember doing it"...... I still tried to give him another chance. Then he screwed up big time, no coming back possible.

I cringe now when I look at myself back then, trying to fix something that I hadn't broken in the first place with a man incapable of taking any accountability whatsoever, begging me to be with him forever and banging on about loyalty whilst planning to bang any woman other than me.

But it's the shock.... cognitive dissonance. You build a life and then the rug gets pulled out from under you by the very person you trusted. It takes time for it all to sink in.

I agree with previous posters who say he needs to move out. It's incredibly hard to think straight when the person who broke you is trying to convince you that they're not that person. It takes time to reground yourself and see reality for what it really is.

He’s ruined your trust by texting another woman.
dont allow this to be flipped onto you
dosgusting pig.

Does he have Telegram?

Sorry OP, it sounds like they’re sexually involved. It’s best to get your evidence together and get some legal advice.

Ah forgot about that one. There's also apps to store images but the app's icon is a calculator!

I recognise this, too. The OP needs time

He's not a good guy. Just demonstrated what he is and how he thinks in whole series of actions and comments. He's just shown you his character 🙃

He's a fucking letch....
Urgh.
Raise your bar and get rid OK.
Imagine it was the other way round. And you were texting a man from work.. He'd end things for sure..

You did nothing wrong he's tried to make you feel guilty He sounds awful You can start a new life without him One day you will look back and wonder how you ever cared about him