Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Not googled the price, but I can imagine they are not cheap.

Why not tell him to return in and use the money to pay for therapy, sounds like he needs it.

I’ve just had the horrible experience of googling it, I suggest not doing so.

This ‘man’ is awful, he is a creep. Please exit him from your life OP.

Has he actually cheated? Or is he acting a bit silly with girl at work? Lots of men do this. Not saying it’s okay. But it’s not uncommon.

It's a pity your husband didn't report her at once, OP. Her behaviour is predatory. It could quite easily be a trap, and that's how HR would have seen it. (A trap to blackmail your DH.) She now has something to hold over his head. Had he reported her, she'd have been fired and the problem would be solved. She absolutely deserves to fail her probation for her disgraceful workplace conduct. However, your DH responded, so it's too late for that. Ideally, he would get a job elsewhere.

He’s gone from one extreme to another. He’s love bombing you with holidays, chairs and sex toys. I suspect he contacted his co worker after you found out. It’s probably a no go situation with her. He’s back pedalled like mad and is now desperate to keep things going with you.

The other red flag here - and a real biggie for me, from personal experience.

Maintaining that you, as a family, couldn't afford a decent holiday, when that wasn't the case. The case was, he just didn't want to spend time or money on going on holiday with you and the baby.

How many years do you want to spend not having decent holidays?

Where did he say he was after he stormed out?

Is he saying that she started it? Very much doubt that… This used to happen in my old workplace all the time. It was always a senior bloke starting the “fun” with younger females.

I’d consider his behaviour cheating.

He's the boss and he engaged in the flirting. He's the person in the responsible position. Not her

This is true - not only has he betrayed you, he has put his career at risk and so as a family you could suffer again for his appalling actions.

Yes this is very true.

he doesn’t see you as an equal.

He seriously thinks that a great apology gift for what he did is a queening chair? Ah, just what every betrayed wife wants!

Together with the terrible way he dealt with a subordinate's workplace advances, I'm wondering if he's actually just a bit thick.

"a bit silly?"

He's a senior manager.

The 1960s are ⬅️

I find this bizarre/chaotic! He’s basically come back with all these ideas, one being the holiday you’d previously spoken about but he wasn’t up for it financially - is he guilty of something deeper? Then the sex toys/chairs - is he trying to say if you keep him happy then he may not need to pay attention to other women? He seems abit manic, I would not make any decisions with him just yet but I’d also mention to him you don’t want things thrown at you or suggested whilst you get your head around things. I’ve googled the queening chair, for those that don’t want to google it’s a chair with a hole where a women sits on and a man’s head goes underneath for you know what.

Her being the subordinate in no way absolves her of blame in their particular situation. She came on to her boss. That is very much a reason for her to fail her probation. He did not harass or pressure her. It was driven by her, and it was also very wrong of him to respond, given that he's her boss. They BOTH could be done for their behaviour. In fact, bosses and subordinates having affairs is a nightmare for the company because it presents possible legal issues from both sides, unless the boss was predating on the subordinate, which the messages show isn't the case here.

If the company could know the truth, they'd fire the both of them sharpish.

Yes, OP said that after they had a work meeting a while ago, which was the first time they'd net in person, the subordinate sent him a message saying that she wished the whole time that she was naked on his desk. That was the start of it. 🤢

It depends what she says happened offline - if she says he made advances and she felt she had to play along to keep her job or position

her first message is not the first they’ve had - it’s far too much for an opening gambit.

None of us know that. The OP doesn't know the full story of how all of this came about. They could have been having a fling before she sent the first message. I didn't say she should have been absolved of blame either. I've been a manager. It's gross misconduct on both their parts in my view

Yes but he's a liar as evidenced by his secrecy

Ultimately what happens to her is not the OPs concern. Her husbands messed up big time

He's a liar, cheater and manipulative piece of shit father and husband. If you want to keep any scrap of self esteem and respect, leave him. If not for yourself, do it for your child, who deserves a happy mother who isn't being treated like crap.

I couldn't love someone who treated women like this. You, and this colleague, who he drools over and then calls a bimbo.

Lots of bosses do this with people they line manage? Never in any job I've worked in

The hypocrisy of him saying you’ve betrayed his trust! Hope you’re ok OP

I just wouldn't even have been around to hear all the bullshit. His arse would’ve been gone the minute I read those texts.

What are wanting out of this op? A contrite loving loyal DH? Respect? Care? Sorry, he’s just not capable of it in this lifetime because he only cares about his dick.

Let him read this thread. He can reflect on what a weak manipulative misogynist he is. Then divorce him and take him for every penny.