Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

For all the fact that he's a tit I really don't think someone would be buying a queening chair to take into work - the other girl lives with her parents
They are hardly going to be having sex at their house

The email is dated today, he said he sorted it on lunch. He was really happy thinking it was a great surprise for me.

Doesnt really matter.

The fact is that his brain immediately went to "sex". Same as it did with OW, whether he shagged her or not. In his head sex solves everything for him, so it must do for OP too. "I know what will prove I want her over anyone else.....sex! So I will buy some sexy presents, that will do it!"

What a fucking ARSEHOLE.

Seriously @Welshie2 I would have the massive ick about this, there is no way in hell I would be able to have sex with him again, ever, knowing that this was his reaction to his massive betrayal.

Vomit

That is disgusting

Oh, and no matter his bullshit, they haven't just started a saucy text chain from nowhere. It's started in person. He is cheating

Dont let him convince you that you're the problem

Is he on drugs?

this man doesn’t seem to understand how to interact with women at all! How on earth has he managed to survive this many years on earth?

maybe you should write down a list of pros and cons. This thread has a pretty comprehensive list of cons but only you know if he has any pros. From this thread I have

he is currently employed in a senior position (although how long for…)

This

Chuck him out

Sounds like panic to me. Hes scared he's going to lose you.

No head space is needed on this

All the whys and wherefores

Just chuck him out.

The end.

I’ve only read your comments op, he’s a liar. That initial message didn’t come out the blue, there has been some previous communication/flirting, he’s let her know he’s interested in some way.

So night 1 it was - this is your fault. You can’t be trusted. I don’t feel the same about you. I couldn’t pull that hottie anyway

night 2 - she’s pursuing me. We haven’t done anything. I’ll ruin her career to solve the problem

night 3 - well you clearly accepted what I said last night so now I’ll try to be husband of the year by going all in on couple activities, foreign holidays and sex paraphernalia.

your head must be spinning!

By buying sex toys? Urgh. Totally the wrong time

Fucking hell, that’s really low. Not one bit of his explanation is him taking responsibility for any of what has happened. It’s all about her, and what she did, and the messages she sent. And he might not have shut it down, but it wasn’t really his fault. And he can’t stop being her manager because his career obviously comes before your marriage, so he’ll tell you that it risks your home, so you just shut up about it.

He’s thrown a hand grenade into your marriage and his attempt to fix it is not a sincere apology, an acknowledgment of how disloyal he has been and marriage guidance counselling. No, because that would mean admitting he was in the wrong. Instead, he’s thrown money at the problem, hoping it will make you forget what a disloyal fucknugget he has been, and adult toys to give himself a good time. He’s using his betrayal as an excuse to have more exciting sex. Read that again until it sinks in. This is what he thinks of you. He’s taken your pain as a chance to get his leg over.

Your husband is skin crawlingly vile. I thought he was bad before but your update has shown just how vile he really is. I have a horrible feeling that you’re not ready to even consider that this could be marriage ending and that you will eventually forgive him. I really think you will regret it hugely if you do.

Honestly, @Welshie2 , your husband seems to have no understanding at all about the impact of his cheating on you. And of the impact of his initial reaction ie, your fault because no spark, her fault because she took advantage of him.

It's actually laughable.

Is he always this clueless, misogynistic, and clumsy?

Is he ever thoughtful, considerate, caring?

It's easy for lots of us Mumsnetters to say 'LTB", but I would urge you to think seriously about ALL of his behaviour. Is this the man you want to grow old with?

Oh, and tell him to cancel the sex toy order, or just send them back.

For goodness sake. That isn't what I meant. I didn't mean he is using the things already used. I meant buying the same things he used with her or planned to use with her.

Dear god. Seriously - fuck him off even if it's for a few weeks while you get some peace. What sleazy prick buys their wife sex toys to say sorry for flirting with a junior colleague - stupid cunt. Ridiculous idiot

He is giving me the boak as we say in Scotland.

So when you first found out he tried to justify his behaviour by saying he has doubts about your relationship and didn’t feel in love with you. Now he’s done a 180 and can’t wait to spice up your sex life and commit to expensive holidays.

He’s so transparent and manipulative. He was enjoying the flirtation/ affair so his knee jerk reaction was to make you the bad guy for invading his privacy. (The privacy he needed in order to cheat on you). The whole thing was YOUR fault because, you know, he’s SO unhappy with you.

Then he thought about it and realised this flirtation / possible affair has no long term chance so he needs to pivot and change the narrative to ‘she means nothing’ and ‘you are who I want.’ When in fact all he wants is for you to forget what a disloyal creep he is. But you have seen his true colours now. Can you forget?

My point was he couldn't use those things with the other girl. She's in her 20s and lives at home. Where would they use a queening chair for example? I didn't think they were going to be using the same sex toys but this girl doesn't have her own place. There is no way he's bought this stuff for that other girl

This is obviously awful, I'm sorry OP. But to think his first thought on being caught was a SEX CHAIR?! WTAF?!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry to say he's crossed a line. If my DH did this, no matter how much I love him, there's no going back. He chose someone else over you, and he'll do it again if the opportunity presents itself. Would you betray him like this? I don't know the right way, for you, to deal with this, but I'd be checked out. And im not sure there's any way back from that x

I agree.

However, as I said above, it doesnt matter. Because he thought that the best way to get his wifes forgiveness is to buy it for her!

As @BeardySchnauzer so perfectly put it......

So night 1 it was - this is your fault. You can’t be trusted. I don’t feel the same about you. I couldn’t pull that hottie anyway
night 2 - she’s pursuing me. We haven’t done anything. I’ll ruin her career to solve the problem
night 3 - well you clearly accepted what I said last night so now I’ll try to be husband of the year by going all in on couple activities, foreign holidays and sex paraphernalia.

It's completely staggering isn't it.

Yes it is. It almost beggars belief.

I’ve never even heard of a queening chair…

Me neither and I don’t want to Google it!!

You know what, its my own fault for Googling.