Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

He thinks she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.

The poor lamb, he’s been used and abused by this wicked woman. Give over, mate.

You know the expression’ curiosity killed the cat”

Or slack at work?

I’m sorry OP but is your husband 12 years old?? His bs is so unimaginative and immature, I seriously have second hand embarrassment for him. If he dealt with the fallout like an actual adult, and took full responsibility whilst acknowledging all his moral and professional shortcomings, then I’d say there may be a very slim outside chance that he wouldn’t do this to you again… however, his response has shown his character and he will absolutely lie and cheat again, only next time he’s going to make sure he hides it better. Please don’t accept this for yourself, you deserve so much more!

Are you suggesting that the OP would be better off in ignorance of the fact that she is married to a lying cheating predatory sexist pig?

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed, he came home after work and was going on at 100mph. On about booking an abroad holiday which he previously said was out of budget for this year, going on about other plans with our couple friends etc. Like nothing has happened.

He then showed me an email confirmation on his phone - he has ordered items from an adult website. We’d spoken months ago about trying to spice things up but came to the conclusion it could wait as DS’ sleep was so bad at that time and we were just surviving really. It’s not like we weren’t intimate at all it wasn’t just as regular as pre-DS.

The items weren’t discussed with me - the oddest is something called a queening chair which he says is for my benefit and all about me. Just bizarre. Said it’s his treat to me as an apology.

I have told him again I need space.

WTF?!!!!!!

Chuck him out.

Yeah, this.

Genuinely speechless.

Um, that’s - a really odd response. Does he think you’ve already moved on and forgotten? He’s trying to bribe you to stay with a holiday that he previously said you couldn’t afford and sex toys?!?

is he mad? I think you may need to ask him to move out for a while so you can get your head together without his batshittery tbh

how old is your son?

Oh god.

You are married to a complete nutter if his response to text cheating is to buy you sex toys

Unbelievable

Yuk. Urgh. So he's bought you a chair with a hole in it so you can sit on it and get oral sex as an apology for his behaviour. Is he having a fucking breakdown?

Is he having a fucking breakdown?

Or pretending to...

Maybe he is game playing and has decided that a 'mental breakdown' would buy him sympathy and understanding from OP.

So all of this is a pretence at mentally "spiralling" downhill

What did I just read!?!

The guy is a pig - turning.a family crisis of his making into an opportunity to pressure you into a kink-fest.

He just doesn't get it, does he? The only way he can relate to women is thru sex, he just doesn't see wonen as people.

Or he is buying the stuff he used/planned to use with OW. 🤢

Well he's not used it with the other woman if he's only just bought it

Seriously? If there's anywhere he can go for a week or two tell him to go there. Family. Hotel. Anywhere

Based on your your posts, this does not seem like a very nice man. He seems thick, sleazy and creepy.

Woah he knows how to woo a woman- not!
It all sounds quite grotesque to be honest. You are absolutely right to ask for space.
Get ready for him to start complaining if you don’t smile along with delight at all this effort he thinks he’s putting in. I suspect he will tell you you are being difficult, are dragging things out, are punishing him for nothing blah blah…
He nowhere near deserves you. Every step he has taken proves that ten times over. I think if it is possible you should go and stay somewhere else or tell him to go. You need time to digest things without this circus. You must do what you think is right for you but need time to work that out. You need to speak to family and friends who can rally round. I am sorry and I hope you find a way through this x

does op know for certain when he bought it?

He is trying so desperately to weasel his way out of this. It's so insulting to your intelligence and disrespectful to your real and justified feelings and need for space.

I'm guessing that he thinks if he just bombards you with everything that he thinks you might want, you'll just move on and forget about the fact that he's been sleazing over another woman.

As you've done, just put your foot on the brake and keep it there for now. Lots of us on here might be calling for you to finish with him (because he's a lying, gaslighty, cheating dick), but only you can decide if your relationship is over.

And to do that you need space, not being bombarded with things intended to make you forget what you've seen.

His response is panicky and desperate but that's his problem.

OP I'm a wee bit worried about you. Your husband doesn't seem to be treating you with any respect. Please stay safe and look after yourself. I think you need to end this relationship. You deserve better.

Does he do drugs? Serious question.
Tell him to cancel everything. You can't go on holiday with a cheater and you shouldn't have any kind of sex with him until he gives you straight answers and you get all test results back.

It's time for a separation if he thinks you're just going to rugsweep all this.

It really is sounding like this affair turned physical.