AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

So sorry @ThisLimeBee that’s very mean spirited - and very un-family like - behaviour.

take up the offer from friends and colleagues to help.

Personally I wouldn’t be rushing to tell the “grandparents” the happy news or inviting them anytime soon to meet the new arrival. They would probably expect to be waited on, teas served up whilst they took photos of the new grandchild to boast about to their friends (bitter experience of a late MIL who loved to portray herself to all and sundry as doting granny but never changed a nappy)

They may find when they are elderly and in need to care - ideally from family, because its family, that karma is indeed a bitch.

That’s really sad your mum wont help out. My mum would if she could but she lives 5 hours away. I had to birth my second child alone due to no childcare. This time around we’re opting for a homebirth so we can all hopefully be under one roof!

We do have good neighbours who have said we can knock (if I have to transfer to hospital) and they’ll come and watch our children in an emergency. Would this be an option for you?

Ouch, that must really hurt OP. When my nephew was due to be born, my brother asked me to be on standby to look after my toddler niece. I had an overnight bag packed in the car for weeks beforehand and as I’m 30 mins away, had the car filled up constantly, tires checked and left my phone on full volume…I possibly went over the top. 😘

But the point is, a new baby is such an exciting time and it’s disappointing that your parents are being so unhelpful about it. They’re missing out on the excitement of it all - but I guess that’s their choice.

Unless your colleagues are 100% reliable, I’d be leaning more toward a nanny or paid help. You definitely want to make sure that when you need them (esp if it’s the middle of the night) they answer the phone.

Best wishes!

It very much depends on their jobs. Many jobs do not offer the option of last minute decision not to go in without significant disruption to service provision.

I would hate to find out that an essential surgery was cancelled at the last minute because the main nurse assistant had to go babysit her grandchild.

Otherwise, it's unkind.

Of course I appreciate that, my dad does factory work & my mum does admin in an office alongside three other admin assistants so no one’s surgery is getting cancelled if either are not at work. Of course still inconvenient for their employers but both have had last minute / unauthorised days off in the past that they’re employers were ok with

Utterly awful how cold she is being towards her own daughter… AFAIK c-sections can’t be booked at the weekend, I had two electives and both were on a Monday (the Monday a week before my due date). I do recommend it after a prior PPH, this is why I had mine because I basically have a really rubbish uterus after large babies so it doesn’t contract strongly enough and I bleed too much. You’re safer surrounded by the team in a controlled atmosphere and I didn’t bleed heavily either time.

Not all employers will agree to instant annual leave when an employees daughter gives birth.

Night workers do need to sleep.

It sounds unsupportive but she does have practical reasons for not agreeing to everything.

I’m sorry your mother isn’t helpful. Honestly taken up your friends and colleagues offers of help. People who offer help often like helping and is strengthens your friendship. And begins to create the sacred ‘village’. Hope all goes well.

I’m not surprised at all that you feel hurt.
But at least you don’t have to worry about caring for your parents as they get older - they’ve shown you how selfish behaviour works.
Good luck op.

Yes of course I get that. She has multiple times said her employers are supportive, they have had no problem with colleagues in the past leaving last minute for childcare, for various reasons including when a family member was in labour. I appreciate my dad needs his sleep, and I would try to do anything to not disturb him, however he takes my mum to work straight after he gets back from his night shift and then sleeps till a set time the next day, I assume so he has time to relax before he goes to collect my mum from work. I appreciate as well if he had my toddler he’d miss out on his relaxing however I’d just hoped they’d be willing to potentially do this to help me out while I go into labour but I understand they don’t want to

The issue is the unplanned and unexpected nature of it. You will expecting your mum (and dad to drive her) to drop everything at any point of time to come to yours. This could happen while she is at work, so she would then need to call your dad and wake him up, get him to collect her from work and then go to yours. Or if at night, you are waking your mum, she still needs to call dad who is at work and then he needs to come home and drop her at yours. Can he just walk out of his factory shift?

You then have the possibility of you get to hospital and they say it's too soon, no space for you, you aren't far enough along and would be better in your own home so you get sent back. Your parents then are left hanging around waiting for something that may still not happen that day.
You mention a difficult birth previously so what are your expectations regarding your partner staying after the birth? How long were you in hospital for previously? Again your mum might be reluctant as she doesn't want to be trapped.

You don't have to have a C section but it was the best thing I did. There were medical reasons but it was convenient as we dropped son off at nursery before going to the hospital. He only did mornings so my parents did collect him around 1 but if needed we could have booked him in the whole day til 6. I had the baby around lunchtime. Partner stayed til around 4 so he could go relieve my parents and give son his tea. He came with baby next morning to visit and as I could go home with baby that afternoon came back after going home to feed son his lunch.

I agree her attitude sounds sad, but also most people regardless of how ‘sympathetic’ their employers are can’t just fuck off from work at a moment’s notice for something like that. Not nice of her to not volunteer to help if you give birth at the weekend though.

I imagine this will be an increasing problem as people give birth later and their parents are still working.

I was in the same situation and it was extremely stressful. Luckily I ended up going into labour early on a weekday morning, so DD went to nursery and was picked up by a friend. I then left hospital around 8pm and went to get her.

It’s so difficult to arrange childcare when you don’t know when labour will begin! I would start with any other local families with kids the same age as they will understand your predicament.

I still can’t quite believe my mother’s refusal to help and I must say our relationship has never recovered.

I agree it’s naturally very unplanned, and that it in general is a huge inconvenience for everyone involved in helping. However I’ve offered to pay for taxis (appreciate she may not want to do this), come and get her myself if I can etc. I might be silly in even thinking I could get her but she works 15 minutes drive from home and 10 minutes drive from the hospital & 15 minutes from me. I know I might go to the hospital to get turned away, however I do have group b strep so been told if my waters go I have to go to the hospital and will give birth within 24hrs, so I wouldn’t be sent away in that case & while I’m not opposed to a c section, I wouldn’t want to have one when the doctors agree it’s not medically necessary purely for the reason of childcare - where I’ve been advised that in itself wouldn’t be reliable due to rescheduling etc.
I told her I would only like her to have my toddler if possible until I gave birth and everything was ok, then my husband would leave to get him. I did stay in for 4 days after birth last time and expressed my husband of course would not be staying with me if this happened again as he would be with our child. I know labour can take a long time, again I guess that’s the unpredictability of it! So I know it’s a big ask, but I would just do anything to help for my children, I understand though that their views are different. And will probably lean on my friends and colleagues who have kindly offered to have him

My mother was very similar when I asked her to help me around the birth of my second child. “Maybe if you could tell me the exact dates I’ll be needed”. “Yes, if I’m not on holiday at the time (nothing planned but she might decide to take a 3 week holiday at the end of January, she just wasn’t sure yet)” And like your mum, OP, children had ruined her life, so if she could turn back time … Our childminder came and watched our older child while I gave birth in the end.
this was 34 years ago. Now, at the age of 86, she bitches about her brother, who is unwell, but all 3 of his kids and all 10 of his grandkids visit frequently and help out. She can’t understand why no one visits her and helps her ….
You do the maths, mum.

I would take a friend up on their offer and after the birth put your efforts into building strong friendships. I'd pull back from spending as much time with your parents and use that time and energy to build a support network of friends.
There are always going to be times when you need people to rely on and you know now your parents aren't those people
If it helps the first 2 people I'd call in that situation would be friends

I helped a friend (friend A) out looking after her older child when she went into labour (her parents lived miles away and worked so not easy to drop everything and get there in time). Friend’s labour went on for a few days, stopping and starting. Friend B was first on the list as their child was best friends with A’s child at preschool and had been to their house a number of times. But B wasn’t available when A went into labour, so I was called upon to help out, once friend B was available we swapped.

Good to have a number of people you can call upon

I had my friends little one whilst she had her second baby. Her mum is useless and she didn’t feel safe relying on her. Could you ask a friend? Or even ask one of your son’s nursery workers if you could pay for their time to have him? At least that way he’d be with someone who knows him?

In this situation I think your parents should have mentioned to their employers that they may need a few days of last minute leave are you were pregnant and give due date. I’d hope most employers would understand in these circumstances. It’s only a few days and it sounds like they have leave. Good luck with your baby!🤞

Goodness, I've read some cold comments on here but your mother's are amongst the worst.
You know where you stand with her now so you look out for yourself and your family from now on and sod your parents.
I don't think I'd even let them know I'd given birth straight away. Low contact from now on, they can forget the fortnightly visits. They will have to reap what they sow.
You sound like a lovely, understanding person so I assume it's going to be difficult for you to do this but I think you'll feel better and stronger if you slowly withdraw from them.

When my daughter in law asked me to have the children while she gave birth I jumped at the chance and I missed work and my boss (DH) also missed work as he didn't want to miss looking after the grandchildren, that meant we had to pay our staff for a day off, but we were the first to meet the new baby each time as obviously the siblings had to go first and as we were looking after them 😁
Also Dil has never had her mum look after the GC overnight ever but her mum regularly has her other gc stay, it really isn't nice, but now we always get an invite to birthdays etc and the GC always phone us for lifts or if they want to stay over or even go on a dog walk. Your mum is going to miss out on that special bond but that it her right as she might not want it, how was she as a mother?

Exactly! I would help people I hardly know and use my annual leave. I don't understand how any parents could leave their child in the lurch like this. I would definitely be reconsidering my relationship with my parents.

I think it’s also more that the annual leave can’t be planned in advance or for how long

I think that you were right in asking your mother to look after your toddler when you give birth. You want your husband there with you. She said no to this but told you to have a section as it would be easier to plan things. The reality is that if you have a section your in hospital longer, it takes more time to recover, you can't lift for a while after this and you can't drive for a few weeks either.
I would follow medical advice in regards to having a section.

To be honest your mother sounds horrible. It not like you expect full time free childcare but you need help for a few days then. I would ask a friend to help you out with this. I would also work on building up your own network of friends that can help you out in the future.

I have a friend with a mother similar to yours. My friend had to listen to her moan anytime she asked her to babysit. This might be just once every 6 months and it was when she could only bring one child to a medical appointment ect.
My friend built up a good network of friends and have helped each other over the past few years. My friend went back to PT work 18 months ago. She got a better job with more hours and money 6 months ago.
Her mother is now older and is beginning to need occasional help. My friend has decided that she will help her mother out only if and when it suits her. Another sibling has started to say no to there mother also because of her behaviour.

Her mother has had years of putting herself and her needs first. My friend sees the older people that are getting help now are the ones that helped out there adult kids in the past and made an effort to see grandkids when they were kids. Now they have help, support and adult grandkids calling.

You're not unreasonable to ask and your mum unfortunately does sound quite uninterested and dismissive of your support needs. I do understand a little that both of your parents still work full time mine. I wouldn't expect her to exclusively put aside any annual leave but surely work may understand a little if she were needed in an emergency for her own daughter. Could you not ask a friend to help do you have any mum friends at the nursery your little one attends who would help possibly?