AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

This and i wouldnt let her visit to see the baby anytime either
Although by the sounds of her she probarly wouldnt want to anyway.

This has made me feel very sad to think of you so vulnerable and left alone with a new born plus toddler. What on earth was your mother thinking?! You must be an amazingly strong and courageous person to be able to look back and joke about the situation. You have my admiration, seriously.

Your mum wants you to undergo major abdominal surgery purely so it is more convenient for her, or so she can get out of helping her daughter? That’s horrendous - I’m so sorry OP. As pps have said I would also be rethinking my relationship with her -‘ and I would never provide her with any support in the future either

This is awful! Was a long time ago but my parents & sister had a holiday booked when I was near my due date with twins. They nearly cancelled so they would be there to look after my DS & support me through it! I persuaded them not to cancel as I was booked for a CS a dew days after their return but my mum was beside herself in case I went into labour early. I’m sorry your parents are being so unsupportive OP. Hopefully a friend can help out.
Don’t forget your parents have treated you badly when they are old & frail & want your help. I’d be distancing from them now.

For crying out loud OP what the hell is wrong with them. Id move mountains to help or go off sick for a couple of days if necessary.
If my next door neighbour asked me Id help out.

Sorry for you OP - your mum sounds awful.
I’d move heaven and earth for my daughter (and I did/do in many ways).
Perhaps you just caught her at a bad time and she will change her mindset.

So sorry op. I wonder if they’re expecting you to take care of them in later years when they need help?

I wonder if perhaps your parents are terrified of you haemorrhaging again and that’s why your mum’s trying to push you into a planned c-section? She might be reluctant to let you know the real reason so made out the childcare thing to be the big issue..?

@ThisLimeBee this is awful behaviour from your mum. You must feel really hurt and let down.
Sending virtual support.

I truly don't understand how your mum can be like this.
I simply don't get it.
Wishing you and your family all the best.

YANBU. Yes your parents are technically not responsible for your child, but it seems very cruel of them not to want to help you out this one time so that you can have support when giving birth. My parents have never once looked after my son before so are not the most helpful grandparents, and even they agreed without hesitation to have him while I gave birth. I would have lost all respect for them if I had to give birth alone because they couldn’t be bothered to have him just one time. I don’t blame you for being hurt.

Everyone has covered my feelings about your Mum @ThisLimeBee

I just wanted to say please do ask a friend. I would not hesitate to help a friend out in this situation.

I am probably your mums age, and I am disgusted by her.

All I can say now is ..... remember this when she needs you, and she will. Remember this when she expects your help, and she will. Remember this with needs care, and she will.

Tell her "I can only help you out at the weekend, as you are not good at getting old". Wont mean anything to her as she forgot what she said the moment she said as it meant so little to her (ask me how I know), but it will mean the world to you.

OK so I don't know you and I would willingly take your toddler for as much time a you need for your birth until your spouse could collect your child. Your not asking too much. See if You MIL could or a trusted friend. Im so sorry your mother is like that.

As a mother of two adult children I can not imagine doing this to either of them. Even my own mother who is the most unreasonable women I know would not have done this to me (and trust me, me saying that takes a lot!). I'm glad you have colleagues that you can rely on, but it shouldn't have to come to that. A good shout by pp to ask nursery.

That’s so sad OP. My mother also worked full time when I had my second but she came in the middle of the night took time off and stayed with my first son while I had my second. She was retired when I had my third and still has a particularly strong bond with my second, now a teen, because of the time they spent together while I was in hospital (oldest was at school). It must really hurt that your mother is happy to miss out on that, but it sounds like you have other supportive people in your life which is wonderful. Focus on them and enjoy your little family!

I’ve been in this exact situation and it hurts. It has soured my relationship with my mother and I don’t think we will ever be close again (although we weren’t overly close before). My mother wouldn’t even help for the youngest for my brother in laws funeral, she assumed I would miss the funeral. My friend had my baby and managed to have a teams meeting from home with him napping in her arms! My mother was miffed to realise I actually didn’t need her.

I don’t have any advice to help you, in my case I ended up with a planned section that was decided just days before (prev birth trauma and this time round they also wanted to induce for reduced movement, this and the childcare issue was starting to cause a great deal of stress - this was the best solution for us). The section was quite healing given the first birth trauma.

it also transpired later that my aunt and uncle would have had my first born, we aren’t close by but they would’ve gone out of their way to help. Since then our relationship has got closer.

I just know I would move heaven and earth for my own boys if they ever have their own children, I know firsthand how not to be and it will make me a better parent for it.

Be too busy to help them when they’re old op

they sound horrible

I looked after my first grandchild, as in he was at my house full time, for 5 days when my daughter was having my second grandchild.

I fully subscribe to the 'grandparents should not be expected to pick up childcare' school of thought, however I cannot imagine not helping in that situation! In my case I organised things with my employer in advance. I was lucky though in that I had a very understanding employer, who let me be very flexible at that time. It would have been extremely difficult had I not.

She sounds awful , I bet she is the first on your doorstep wanting to visit the new baby !

Wow. I’d be pulling myself right away from them, that is pretty shocking.

I can't comprehend tbh. I have adult children and I would move heaven and earth to help them. Especially in this situation!

I don't know what to suggest. But you are not being unreasonable at all to want that support.

I’m not surprised you’re hurt, it’s not unreasonable to ask your Mum to help and I think she’s being pretty awful.
As other have suggested speak to his nursery and ask if they could take him at short notice if you went into labour during the day. It’s also worth looking to see if there are any registered childminders in your area.
You sound like you have lovely friends and colleagues who are supportive.
You’ve said that it’s you that initiates contact with your parents, tbh this would make me stop making the effort.
One of my parents since becoming remarried has become less and less involved.
I never ask them for help anymore but we had an emergency a few weeks ago, one of my children had a medical episode and needed to be seen ooh. I couldn’t get hold of my sibling to look after the other children so rang my parent who said they could help, as long as I dropped the other children to them (they drive, and live in the opposite direction to where I needed to take our child ) but that they couldn’t stay for long because they were heading over to friends for their weekly catchup….
Thankfully my sibling rang me back whilst I was on the phone to our parent and came over straight away.
My parent is retired, was always really hands on when we were growing up and when our parents divorced we lived with them. I thought we’d always stay super close, but sadly not.
I don’t reach out to them anymore unless we’re doing something that we invite the whole family to ie birthday parties, after the latest disappointment that’s not going to change any time soon!

Your Mum sounds really horrible op. It sounds like she has some issues of her own. Find a friend to look after your toddler and don't even bother telling your parents you've gone in to labour or that the baby has arrived. They don't seem interested in supporting you so it's probably better not to bother with them.

It’s no help now, but consider mirroring her effort in the future. Look closely at what she does for you, and match that energy/ effort. If she doesn’t make an effort to come over, them don’t go out of your way to bring baby to her etc.