AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Speak to your nursery-maybe they can advise about a nanny/qualified nursery nurse who will be willing to be on call? I know you said your husband has lost his parents (I'm so sorry, because I'd love you to have had good people to support), but does he have any other family eg siblings, grandparents who could help out just this time, even if you had to pay them, rather than have a woman who says you're not good at giving birth?
No one has the right to force a woman to have a CS, especially when a consultant seems to think you don't need one. There are usually more risks (yes, several medics have told me!) and a longer recovery, so unless you don't want to give birth naturally, how dare she say this?

I can’t believe what I have just read
Not good at giving birth? Like it’s some sort of Olympic sport? Have an unnecessary C section?

Accept the offer from your friends or lovely boss to care for your child OP and DH comes home at night or when he can. A village sadly isn’t always family and you don’t need ‘help’ like that.

Against the grain here but if your parents work full time how can you expect them to drop everything and look after your other child ? Surely that’s your partner’s job?

Would like to add that I had both mine by CS and the hospital wanted me out the next day!

Wow. I’m pretty speechless. Who needs family like this? I’m afraid this would be the end of the relationship with my parents - if they’re not there to support you in times like this then they might as well be casual acquaintances, not family.

I would return this exact energy when they inevitably expect you to be there for them when they’re older and need help with things.

I really feel for you and I see that you do your best to try and justify your mum's quite awful behaviour!
It's ok to be upset or even angry because of it. You'd think it's such an enormous event, also for her, she should be willing to help out and be excited about it.
Does she want a front row seat when new baby is here? If so I'd be petty enough to tell her not to come around until you are all settled.
Best of luck for you and just focus on your own lovely little family.

I'm sorry your Mum is being that way. It's a perfectly normal request for your mum to help you in this situation. Take up the offers from your friends and build your village with people who aren't family because unfortunately she's just not the support she should be. I remember as a child having some children sleep over that I knew from school while their Mum had a baby, my Mum must have offered to help, and I would do the same for my friends/children's friends too.

I’ll definitely also speak to nursery, I’ve seen quite a few people here suggest this so I’m hoping it might be a fairly common thing that I can ask if they’d help with - unfortunately no siblings and grandparents no longer here, I know it’s awful as dh said so many times his mum would have adored being a grandma. I’ll also speak to my friends / colleagues who have offered to help, I’d ideally like to not be on my own if I can help it, and I know my husband wants to be there as well, of course ultimately my toddler comes first & if needs be my husband will be with him. I definitely don’t want a c section if my consultant isn’t advising it, I especially don’t want to have one purely for the reason of planning childcare which I don’t think would be very reliable anyway x

I so feel for you OP, if you were my daughter I’d be at your beck and call to support you. I don’t understand your mum at all and I’m sure you are considering your relationship and contact going forward.

Your colleagues sound lovely, I’m sure they’ve got the childcare covered and are excited for your new arrival. Best of luck OP, we d love to know how you are doing when your little one arrives safely.

How sad. They appear to have no love or concern for you at all. Speaking as a very involved Grandma , it is hard to understand how they won’t help in those circumstances and thinks it is ok because she too was alone. I would actually want better for my daughter than I had. They will be moanig soon about not seeing the kids enough

Really feel for you. I don’t understand why your mum won’t pull out all the stops to support and help you. I helped my daughter with her toddler when she went into labour.

What a rotten cow. Why do you bother with her? I’d not talk to her after this.

Can't remember how it came about, but my mum when looking after my children whilst I was working, had one of the school mums toddler while she went into labour and felt very honoured to have been picked

Your mother is an awful woman

Oh my goodness. As a 57 year old mum of 3, gran of 2, I want to scoop you up and give you a MASSIVE hug!

First of all, one bad birth experience absolutely does not make you bad at giving birth. It means you had one bad birth experience.

Second of all... what is wrong with your Mother? I have my grandchildren a lot, for a lot less of a reason than both parents needing to be there for another grandchild to be born. I can't imagine letting my DD go through that without the support of her DH!

I also choose to spend time with these little beings and they give me so much joy. I really can't imagine not wanting to spend time with them.

I'm so glad you seem to have other supportive people in your life.

I would definitely be drastically reducing the amount of time myself and my child spent with my mother going forward, if I was in your shoes. Give her a taste of her future if she continues to be so unsupportive.

I wish you and your little family all the very best. Xx

But the partner understandably wants to attend the birth. Have a heart please!

I don’t think some people on this thread appreciate that with some jobs you can’t just drop everything and go to pick up a child whose mother is having a baby . I’ve got friends whose parents have been headteachers and anaesthetists.

I'm sure if that were the case for both her parents then the OP would have been told that - sorry love we'd love to help but as you know we are both head teachers so if it happens on a school day you''ll need a backup plan. That's not what happened.

I suggest you create a whatsapp group and include all your willing friends and colleagues and your husband. That way, when you go into hospital, he can contact the whatsapp group and whoever is free can come straight away, but if they can't stay long enough, then someone else on the list can step in.

She sounds awful, I’d take a big step back from her.

Focus on finding something else suitable. Maybe a friend? Try and spend as much time as possible with them in the lead up so your toddler feels comfortable.

You mentioned he goes to nursery, would any of the staff there provide childcare overnight etc? I know someone whose parents lived abroad and a staff member from their nursery provided care for 2 nights when they had their second, it worked really well as the child already had a good relationship with them.

At the very least if she feels she couldn’t cope with him on her own, she could offer to be at the hospital with you, rather than tell you to do it on your own.

Your mum sounds awful. So cold and detached.
Of course YANBU. tell her thanks for nothing and ask a friend to look after your toddler. Good luck !

When there was a possibility of my daughter going into labour early, the first thing myself and my husband said to her and her husband was, ring us if you need us, don’t matter what time of day or night, we’ll have our other grandchild for her.
I can’t believe how horrible your own mother is being, both my husband and I work and we were both happy to take unpaid leave to help my daughter out. We even said no matter how long she’s in hospital for we’d have her other child, and her husband can stay with her, we’re more than happy to help them both out

I had a friend lined up for DS1 when DC2 was due to be born. She already had plans and adapted them with the plan that she'd take him away with her for due date weekend if baby hadn't been born (DS1 was 39wks) so that her weekend wouldn't be interrupted part-way through.

The favour has been "repaid" over the years with emergency childcare of her children including 3am phonecalls. Reciprocal friendships are very useful.

Family wasn't a practical consideration due to age and distance, but it's very different to always knowing that compared to being rejected to a parent that could help and chooses not to and is also insulting about it.

In the future OP, remember to only reinvest back into your parents what they were prepared to invest into you.

How awful of your parents.
Hopefully you've got a good friend who will help you out.
My parents would have had my daughter for us if needed, but my sister had her and was very helpful in making sure she was prepared for her arrival at her house at any time.
I hope you find someone willing to help you. This is an extra stress you don't need while pregnant.

OP, all the best for the upcoming birth and new addition to your family.

I empathise very much knowing what kind of parents you are dealing with. Same for me and I also have siblings of the same approach too. MIL and SIL is the same! I don’t know how DH and I both won the ‘lotto’ with this kind of parenting and sibling relationship. We’ve helped both our families when they have needed it.

I’m fortunate since I’ve had DC that I haven’t needed anything emergency-wise yet for help (and they have never helped anyway in any circumstance and DC is almost 4 - no overnights, no 30 minutes of holding DC while I put on the laundry).

This post makes me think I better really put together some kind of network especially sounding out nursery staff. If something happened with me or with DH, we would be stuck.

I can’t imagine having the same disinterested approach with my DC in the future.