AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Then stop thinking about it and love the children you have

You are statistically much more likely to have another boy when you already have 2 boys.

So many people have families of boys or girls.
There is a good chance that your hoped for girl won’t happen but you will have another very loved son - if you are prepared for that then YANBU.
My DH is from a family of 5 boys - the 5th was the last attempt for a daughter. My MIL loves them all and didn’t have any regrets and is ridiculously giddy over her granddaughters.

i have noticed something op and it resonates with me. My husband is a very caring person. He can be quite sensitive and gentle but also tough and strong when he needs to be. Having a boy was not a disappointment because (based on my husband) I knew that he could be just like him - kind, considerate, emotionally intelligent, and does 50% of the housework.

Ive noticed that women who prefer girls tend to have partners that perhaps aren’t that way, so they associate boys with being more inconsiderate, less caring and talkative, less attentive etc.

Does that resonate?

No it doesn't as I had a dad who raised me and my sister (who isnt even his biological daughter) from a young age on his own whilst building and running his own company. He is one of the strongest, kindest men I have ever met and if my boys can grow up to be even half the person their grandad is I will be a very proud mum.

I have no preference for girls. I would just quite like both.

Like many pp I just cannot understand why you will feel more complete if you have both genders.

All kids have different personalities and characteristics regardless of sex. You are never going to have all the possible types in your family. If all your kids are quiet introverts will you keep going till you get a bouncy one? If all your kids are sporty will you keep going till you get an arty one? If they are all dark haired will you want a blonde one? Etc.

I think you need to work on convincing yourself that the child’s sex really does not create a different experience in itself. Of course having a 3rd child, or a new brother/sister, would be a different experience but that’s because it’s a new person (and a bigger family) not because of their sex.

Bluntly it also sounds like you don’t really have the resources for more kids in terms of money, time and parental enthusiasm (your OH). You can give a better life to 2 kids than to 3. Once you have DC that already exist that should really be your main consideration, what is best for them.

Thank you for making me feel super quilty about that. I have been trying to give her a chance to be a better person. But thank you so so much for pointing out I fucked up trying to not let my childhood affect my kids relationship with their grandparents.

Thank you for your comments.

The thread has gone on much longer than it should have due to being derailed.

I have decided we wont make a decision on the vasectomy now and wait probably 2 or so years and then decide if we want a third.

Also, your girl may not tick your ‘girl’ boxes. I have two daughters but one is much more like a teenage boy than a girl.

Then I think maybe you need to figure out why you want a girl? You can’t seem to articulate it beyond just liking both. It doesn’t really make sense and certainly doesn’t seem a strong enough reason to try for a third.

So you either can’t articulate it in which case try to really figure out why or deep down you know why but perhaps there’s some guilt attached there?

This is not accusatory in any way and hope you find some resolution.

You might think that mathematically your chance of having a girl next time is 50/50, same as the first time, but studies show that families with two boys may have a slightly higher chance of having a third boy.

I always desperately wanted a gitl and my first was a boy, so for the second I bougjt two books which recommended ways to get the sex you wanted. I discovered that all the foods I like created perfect conditions to conceive a boy, so instead of eating foods I didn't like, I worked out the days in my cycle when I was most likely to get a girl. Anyway, I got my wish - a beautiful little girl. Having said that, whilst my boy was a dream baby - slept through the night from day 1, etc, the girl was a a horror baby and remailned like that until she was about 12! Luckily she grew up to be a beautiful, kind, lovely young woman and we are incredibly close. Go for it, if it's really what you want, but only if your partner is 100% on board, and you're prepared to have another boy.

It’s completely normal to feel that having both genders would make your family feel complete, even if many people don’t openly admit it. You could look into gender selection abroad, in places such as Cyprus. In your situation, it may feel like a more practical option, especially if financially and physically you can’t take the risk of having another boy and still feeling the need to try again.
I think in this country there can be a lot of sensitivity around gender selection, but when it’s being used for family balancing and to prevent women from going through additional pregnancies they may not be able to cope with emotionally, physically, or financially, it seems unfair not to allow access to the technology that already exists.
Please ignore all the judgemental people speaking from their high horse, they’re not the ones living your life or dealing with the emotional, physical, and financial realities of your situation.

MIL said she would have had 10DC to get a boy. DH was her third child. She stopped there. My eldest SIL doesn't seem affected, but the second still voices how much she feels she felt their disappointment that she was a girl and always knew she only existed in their quest for DH (she's 60 now), who is very much MIL's goldenchild. Even if you have a third DS and feel disappointment in their sex, please make sure they never find out.

My sister had a boy then 2 twin girls, and not one of them are girly at all.
They dont like makeup shopping trips nails done not their thing, there not close to there mum either.

In my sisters head it was going to be mum and daughters bond for life, fancy dress up outings, princess, girl talk.

Has they got older it was nothing like that nither of them liked long hair, neither have intrest in men both have girlfriends, and the mum bond there is none.
They are low contact with my sister they moved to spain and that was that.

I on the other hand have a gay son and all the drama of a daughter, dont get me started on that.
Wouldnt change him for the world.

Unless you are a millionaire, I’d stick at 2.

🤣🤣 I think thats a tad dramatic but thank you for the laugh.

You have two healthy boys. By your own admission your husband isn’t particularly interested in them (as many aren’t).
There is no guarantee the third will be a
girl.
Having a third means a lesser quality of living for the whole family which to me just seems ludicrous! And unfair on the two you already have.

Having tried for a baby for 11 years and then finally having 1, then never falling a second time, but always being internally grateful for the one I have, I never understand people being so disappointed just because they didn’t get the sex they hoped for.

@T1Dmama ,By your own admission your husband isn’t particularly interested in them (as many aren’t). Partner not husband.

I think this is hormones talking.
You’ve just had your second and possibly last baby, I think some women are very maternal and enjoy being pregnant and having babies… I had a friend who had a boy, then a girl soon after…. She went on about feeling complete because she has both sexes… then a couple of years later was desperate for a third. Had the third but was so poorly during labour she was told not to have anymore! She still didn’t feel ‘complete’ so got a couple of dogs and now breeds them !!
Another of my friends had 2 boys (both needing IVF type help)… she was a little upset at not having a girl, so was thrilled when she accidentally fell pregnant years later…. She miscarried sadly, conceived again and miscarried again…. She decided she probably could carry girls and took precautions not to fall again. Hee sister then had a girl and she loves spoiling her niece !
In your shoes I’d take the pressure off and just see how you all feel in a couple of years

Because that makes so much difference to the topic of the post.

It'll make a big difference when he ups and leaves.