Page 29 | AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

Karma1387 · 2026-05-12T12:35:26+00:00

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision. I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind. Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure. I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again) Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc. I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 21:59

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 21:55

So you can work but you can do work placements?

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No I wouldn't do a work placement hence if I did a primary education degree (which isn't my plan but IF) then I would do it through the open university. Infact we agreed if I did any degree it would be through the open university as it is completely at home and very flexible on how long it takes and the committment level.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 22:00

I focus on what affects my life and the people around me.

I think this is what jumps out at me. You seem very isolated and inward looking.

Please don't make this a life for your children.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:04

AlwaysHungry123 · 13/05/2026 21:57

Yeah this post has massively been derailed. Seriously why do you all waste your time seeing how fixed the OP is in her ways.

OP, does your OH have brothers or sisters? I see a trend amongst friends where if the man have brothers he tends to have sons only or the same sex children 😀 my friend having two girls tried for a boy and got twin girls, you just never know. I’d love to give my boy and girl a sibiling and we can afford it but I’d really worry that my time for the children would be diluted and it’s nice to be just the 4 of us. I see my friends with 3 children really struggle with 1:1 quality time with their children. It all seems chaos.

I can totally understand wanting a girl so go for it if you just want to give your children a sibling but I can guarantee you’ll be 100% disappointed if it’s a boy if you’re already feeling this way.

re after school clubs, I could pick my children up after school but they just love doing sports so they stay an hour extra 3 days a week. On their sick days they cry for not going to school because they miss out on the clubs.

re friendships, yes you’d absolutely have to do a bit of socialising when your kids are at school because if the other mums don’t know you or think you’re antisocial they won’t be inviting your children for play dates. I have a family member like you and I can see how sad it is for their children. I find small talk hard but I make effort to be friendly with other mums for my children.

not sure how is anyone so shocked about the aspect of new mums not returning to work in this country if there are no incentives if you’re at the min-mid wage? It is shocking. This is why so many new mothers decide to stay at home rather than working just to cover the childcare.

Thank you for the reply. Yes it really has gone off the rails!

When my kids start school I will of course make an effort to be polite and civil to allow my kids to develop friendships. It doesn't mean I need to be 'friends' with the parents. It means I need to be open and kind which I am very capable of. I can fake it very well as its the only way I developed in my work so I don't worry too much as I should be able to do enough to allow my kids to have friendships without it draining me too much mentally.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:05

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 22:00

I focus on what affects my life and the people around me.

I think this is what jumps out at me. You seem very isolated and inward looking.

Please don't make this a life for your children.

Sorry what else am I meant to look at? Why would I focus on anything other than what affects me and my family and those I love?

OP posts:

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:07

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:05

Sorry what else am I meant to look at? Why would I focus on anything other than what affects me and my family and those I love?

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@Karma1387

you really have no curiosity or interest in stuff that doesn’t directly affect you?? Do you not watch - or read - the news?

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:08

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:05

Sorry what else am I meant to look at? Why would I focus on anything other than what affects me and my family and those I love?

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You don't think you having a social life or hobbies/interests or a job would improve your children's lives at all?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:10

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:07

@Karma1387

you really have no curiosity or interest in stuff that doesn’t directly affect you?? Do you not watch - or read - the news?

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I actively avoid the news. Why would I want to watch something that is 90% of the time filled with bad stuff? I have anxiety as it is without reading and listening to all the bad crap going on (yes I am aware of a lot of the stuff going on as its hard to avoid it online but I don't actively seek to watch or read the news)

But no I don't have an interest in things that aren't a part of my life or those around me. I don't understand why anyone would care about stuff that doesn't directly affect them.

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BleedinglyObvious · 13/05/2026 22:12

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 21:53

And that affects my ability to homeschool because?

I focus on what affects my life and the people around me. No one I know is involved in MLM's so I have never come across it and by the sounds of it that is a good thing!

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What MLM stands for isn't an issue; your lack of interest in the world around you is.
You probably have come across Avon and Tupperware. They're both MLMs. If you haven't it's not a problem. It might be if you were persuaded to make some money by being a MLM rep.

I wouldn't normally comment but your spelling and grammar aren't top notch.
Lots of little things like that add up.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:15

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:08

You don't think you having a social life or hobbies/interests or a job would improve your children's lives at all?

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I wont force myself to have a social life I don't want. All that will do is cause me stress and make me unhappy and that is not good for my kids to see.

If at some point it would financially benefit my kids for me to have a job then yes it would benefit my kids. That time is not right now. But I strongly believe if you have the money to house, feed, clothes your family that time is far more valueable than money when they are young.

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TeaPot496 · 13/05/2026 22:16

You are very patient and calm OP. Ever considered a career in healthcare?

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:16

@Karma1387

do you like clothes, make up and fashion, OP?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:17

BleedinglyObvious · 13/05/2026 22:12

What MLM stands for isn't an issue; your lack of interest in the world around you is.
You probably have come across Avon and Tupperware. They're both MLMs. If you haven't it's not a problem. It might be if you were persuaded to make some money by being a MLM rep.

I wouldn't normally comment but your spelling and grammar aren't top notch.
Lots of little things like that add up.

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I have to admit when typing on my phone on mumsnet I don't really care much for my spelling and grammar. But again all things that can be brushed up on if needed.

You haven't answered why my lack of interest in the rest of the world is such a problem? Especially for homeschooling?

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EmpressaurusKitty · 13/05/2026 22:18

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:17

I have to admit when typing on my phone on mumsnet I don't really care much for my spelling and grammar. But again all things that can be brushed up on if needed.

You haven't answered why my lack of interest in the rest of the world is such a problem? Especially for homeschooling?

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Wouldn’t current affairs be part of homeschooling?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:18

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:16

@Karma1387

do you like clothes, make up and fashion, OP?

I own about 3 outfits and 1 pair of shoes so no I don't have an interest in fashion. Clothes are a neccessity not something I care much for beside a need. I have never liked clothes or shopping. I don't wear makeup etc.

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RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:19

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:15

I wont force myself to have a social life I don't want. All that will do is cause me stress and make me unhappy and that is not good for my kids to see.

If at some point it would financially benefit my kids for me to have a job then yes it would benefit my kids. That time is not right now. But I strongly believe if you have the money to house, feed, clothes your family that time is far more valueable than money when they are young.

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So you don't see any benefit to your children from you having friends or hobbies? That was my actual question. You just answered about how it would effect you.

I'm not good with other people's kids but I still arranged playdates and birthday parties and chatted to other mums even if it all made me a bit anxious. Sometimes being a good parent means stepping out of your comfort zone.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:20

EmpressaurusKitty · 13/05/2026 22:18

Wouldn’t current affairs be part of homeschooling?

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Not to primary age children not really. Maybe towards the end of the primary years in which case I am capable of turning on the Tv or reading online about current affairs if I needed to teach it.

I have a 2 year old and an 8 week old. The state of current affairs is the last thing I care about knowing to teach my kids.

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vellat · 13/05/2026 22:20

I think the OP is of great benefit to her children. She knows her own mind, she is calm, polite and respectful but also doesn’t let herself be pushed around.

shes doing just fine.

she hasn’t even decided to pursue homeschooling yet!

redskyAtNigh · 13/05/2026 22:21

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:10

I actively avoid the news. Why would I want to watch something that is 90% of the time filled with bad stuff? I have anxiety as it is without reading and listening to all the bad crap going on (yes I am aware of a lot of the stuff going on as its hard to avoid it online but I don't actively seek to watch or read the news)

But no I don't have an interest in things that aren't a part of my life or those around me. I don't understand why anyone would care about stuff that doesn't directly affect them.

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How can you plan to home school your children if you don't have any interest in things that aren't a part of your life or those around you, and don't understand why anyone would care about stuff that doesn't directly affect them? There is (or there should be) more than teaching your children how to read and basic functional maths. Part of education is instilling curiosity about all those things that you apparently despise.

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:21

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:18

I own about 3 outfits and 1 pair of shoes so no I don't have an interest in fashion. Clothes are a neccessity not something I care much for beside a need. I have never liked clothes or shopping. I don't wear makeup etc.

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@Karma1387

one pair of shoes?? I don’t believe you.

People need boots for winter…sandals for summer…

more formal shoes for weddings, christenings, funerals that kind of thing

trainers for gym

etc etc

are you having us all on, OP?! 😆

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:22

vellat · 13/05/2026 22:20

I think the OP is of great benefit to her children. She knows her own mind, she is calm, polite and respectful but also doesn’t let herself be pushed around.

shes doing just fine.

she hasn’t even decided to pursue homeschooling yet!

She also can't ever admit to being wrong and doesn't want to do anything remotely stressful even if it will benefit her children.

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 22:22

You haven't answered why my lack of interest in the rest of the world is such a problem? Especially for homeschooling?

Lack of interest in the world around you is isn't going to help expand young minds or help them develop intellectual curiosity.

Have you considered that there may be some neurodiversity at play here?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:28

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:19

So you don't see any benefit to your children from you having friends or hobbies? That was my actual question. You just answered about how it would effect you.

I'm not good with other people's kids but I still arranged playdates and birthday parties and chatted to other mums even if it all made me a bit anxious. Sometimes being a good parent means stepping out of your comfort zone.

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Why would my hobbies benefit my kids. All that would mean is I go out without them. I have lots of things I do with my kids.

And if I had actual friends and I was happy to have those friends and socialise I think the benefit for my kids would depend what said friends were like. If they were friends who we then had kids the same age and did playdates etc sure it would benefit them. If it was a friend I was going out to see for lunch without my kids then no it wouldn't. But the fact is having friends doesn't make me happy. It makes me stressed and unhappy and that wouldn't be good for my kids to see.

If your kids didn't want to have friends as teens would you force them? Make them spend time with people and talk to them and pretend to be happy even if it made them miserable?

And what you have described with mums isn't friends. It is a basic civility and tolerance. Vastly different to saying I should have friends. If you asked the question could I cope with a smile on my face for a small playdate then the answer would be I sure as hell would try for the sake of my kids.

I am going to a birthday party for one of my siblings children at a skating rink which is my idea of hell around a load of people I don't know with a 2 year old and 8 week old. But I am going because it will be great for my 2 year old and he will probably love it! So yes I am willing to do things for my kids that I am not comfortable with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:29

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 22:22

You haven't answered why my lack of interest in the rest of the world is such a problem? Especially for homeschooling?

Lack of interest in the world around you is isn't going to help expand young minds or help them develop intellectual curiosity.

Have you considered that there may be some neurodiversity at play here?

Very aware there is a high chance of neurodiversity. I don't have much doubt about actually.

But I stand by no child under 9/10 needs to be aware of current affair. They will learn about certain aspects of the world around us. Different cultures, homelessness as we will see these things all around us when we do things.

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Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 22:31

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:28

Why would my hobbies benefit my kids. All that would mean is I go out without them. I have lots of things I do with my kids.

And if I had actual friends and I was happy to have those friends and socialise I think the benefit for my kids would depend what said friends were like. If they were friends who we then had kids the same age and did playdates etc sure it would benefit them. If it was a friend I was going out to see for lunch without my kids then no it wouldn't. But the fact is having friends doesn't make me happy. It makes me stressed and unhappy and that wouldn't be good for my kids to see.

If your kids didn't want to have friends as teens would you force them? Make them spend time with people and talk to them and pretend to be happy even if it made them miserable?

And what you have described with mums isn't friends. It is a basic civility and tolerance. Vastly different to saying I should have friends. If you asked the question could I cope with a smile on my face for a small playdate then the answer would be I sure as hell would try for the sake of my kids.

I am going to a birthday party for one of my siblings children at a skating rink which is my idea of hell around a load of people I don't know with a 2 year old and 8 week old. But I am going because it will be great for my 2 year old and he will probably love it! So yes I am willing to do things for my kids that I am not comfortable with.

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@Karma1387

its ok for mums to go out without their kids sometimes, OP! You know that right?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 22:34

RunSlowTalkFast · 13/05/2026 22:22

She also can't ever admit to being wrong and doesn't want to do anything remotely stressful even if it will benefit her children.

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I do lots of stressful things (stressful to me) to benefit my kids.

You don't know everything based off a post. I may want to stay at home with my kids and not have the stress of juggling both. That does not mean I don't experience stress to try and enrich my kids lives.

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