AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Of course it is if they want to! The key word here is 'want'. Mums should also not be pressured to do stuff without their kids if they have no interest in it.

@Karma1387

ok, fair enough!

your one pair of shoes statement though …yeah, still not buying that!

I like to read. Another mum started up a kids/parents book club. DD sits with the kids to talk about their book, I chat with the mums about ours.

I do a lot of exercise. DD is currently joining me in doing couch25k.

I like to travel which means DD has been able to see some interesting places, try new food, learns bits of new languages, etc.

DH and I like geocaching so we've taken DD on long walks doing it which has been good for both maths and geography.

DH likes music and has taken her to festivals.

You really can't see how you your hobbies could improve your children's lives?

I have a pair of blue trainers. I have 2 pairs of jeans (3 if you count my maternity ones I have just come out of), a few vest tops and a few jumpers. Oh and 1 sundress. Why would I need more clothes than that?

You can not believe all you want but not all women have multiple pairs of shoes.

To be clear my partner has 2 wardrobes full of clothes and my kids have mountains of clothes so it isn't a not able to afford clothes thing. I just don't like the way I look in clothes so I don't bother getting a lot.

Because I learnt a lot because the teachers knew things. My parents knew things.

If you learn things when you are young, it sticks with you. I learnt about things like classical music and poetry at primary school - I wouldn't have otherwise.
I learnt how to grow veg by gardening with my father. Pretty useful if you garden to know what NPK meant and why the ratio mattered.

You can brush up on things you need to know if you know you need to know them. I you aren't interested in the world around you, you won't know you don't know things.

I learnt things like not everyone gets to be Mary or Joseph in the nativity play. A valuable life lesson.

And thats amazing that you have so many amazing hobbies but you can't force yourself to be interested in stuff.

I do lots of stuff with my kids but I don't have personal hobbies. I know its very odd for people to understand but I just don't have any and never have. I have tried lots of things on my own but I just get very bored.

I make sure I take the kids out walking through forests and to the beach etc as its good for them and if they have hobbies I will follow and engage with them. But for my own personal hobbies on my own I don't have them.

I do lots of stuff with my kids but I don't have personal hobbies. I know its very odd for people to understand but I just don't have any and never have. I have tried lots of things on my own but I just get very bored.
I know that now you have two very young children so you probably have very little free time but what did you do before you had a partner and children?

I don't disagree with you that kids can learn lots through school. And I have made it clear several times that the decision on this is very much undecided as we have time.

But I have my beliefs about the school system and whilst I agree there are some benefits. Equally there are downsides to school and the beauty of our country is we have a degree of free will that allows us to make out own choices.

But I value your input on the matter and I will show my partner your replies as reasons in favour of his desire for them to go to school.

Nothing. Well thats a lie I owned horses for a few years before but that became very unaffordable.

But before the horses and apart from the horses I have never had hobbies. I worked or stayed home.

I really would not show him the thread.

You had horses - that's a hobby and an interest in a lot of things,

I meant more the comments regarding homeschooling.

Yes I did have horses but I was stupid and naive and buried my head in the sand about the debt I was acruing by having them. Hence I sold them. And no I wouldn't enjoy volunterring at a stables as the part I enjoy about having horses is being alone! Being sat on a horse with nobody else around me is the most peace I have ever felt!

@Karma1387

when you stayed at home, what did you do pre- kids? Watch tv? Read? Home workouts on YouTube? Crochet? Water colour painting?

This, with bells on!

When I was at home I would just rewatch shows (not a huge fan of new stuff as I zone out a lot so like to know the programme well so i'm not lost if I haven't paid attention) . I have played a bit of xbox/sims but not a lot as I get bored easily. I also used to have a dog so I would take her out and about.

This has been addressed. He has improved massively and is getting much better. It is just a work in progress with the little time he has with them but there is improvement and thats what matters.

I think you need to be happy with what you have.

So many women have lost their babies and would have loved to have been parents to a boy or girl- you come across quite self centred with the ‘I dreamed of’ and ‘I always wanted’.

Don’t have more as the high chances are it will be another boy. I have known so many women with 3 and 4 boys as they wanted to try one last time for the girl.
It’s not fair to keep banging out kids until you get the one you want. And I can say that as if your baby Ds was a dd then you wouldn’t have even considered another.

Quit while you’re ahead. Don’t opt for the ‘basic’ life you describe on the chance of having a girl. Enjoy your tiny baby now- it doesn’t last long.

He has not. You are in denial

I think people should just step away from this thread now. It's just rage bait at this point

Really? I didn't realise you are in my house watching us? I clearly imagine him staying up for a bit in the mornings to play with DS, and getting up before hes had a full sleep because both kids are screaming at the same time and I need help, or helping with bathtime and holding baby so I can do bedtime with my 2 year old because hes sad I don't have the ability to spend much 1-1 time with him. I must imagine him making an effort to leave his phone in another room to focus on DS1 or bouncing DS2 so I can play with DS1 alone.

Jesus if I am imagining all that I should probably get some help... or you could understand that whilst he isnt perfect and has things he still needs to work on, he actually took onboard the things we discusssed after my post earlier in the year and had made a concious effort to improve!

I agree conpletely. Although not sure my comments are the rage baiting ones!

I have wonderful daughters in law and a 'difficult' daughter.
Just for your information.

"... he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently"
= don't have any more with him, then. 👍

Former work colleague and his wife kept trying for a girl and ended up with enough sons to make a cricket team 😃

Unless you're prepared to play God and pay a gender selection clinic to guarantee you a girl there's no way you can make sure. Personally I find that all abit like Frankenstein and prefer nature's way.

Totally left field here but have you considered adoption?

Thats really sad for your boys. I'm betting you'd treat her differently too.