AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Unintentionally they are @Karma1387

Simply because your comments are so mind bogglingly selfish, self absorbed, divorced from the reality of your circumstances and quite frankly concerning given your depression and anxiety.

So yes…. Right that posters give this a wide berth. Reassured that at least the op isn’t thinking of pushing her partner on this third child issue for a another few years.

" I must imagine him making an effort to leave his phone in another room to focus on DS1"

Bloody hell

I don't think it is rage bait.

I suspect OP had a childhood where her emotional needs were ignored and is compensating for this by her intention to have a "perfect" family and by lavishing all her attention on her own children in an attempt to break the cycle (which she will struggle to do without working on her own issues). The lack of self esteem (virtually no clothes, no personal interests, wariness about mixing with others) is part of this.

OP - I may be wildly off the mark, but please have a look at this site and google others https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/# to see if any of it resonates. Also try googling "Children of emotionally unavailable mothers".
(I'm clearly not qualified to diagnose your mother in any way; I suggest you look at the effects rather than worrying about a label).

This. Patronising or not, you need to get some help.

I know someone who had 5 boys trying to have a daughter before she gave up - that could be you !!

This puts it perfectly.

I am very aware of the issues with my mother and aware of her crappy narcissistic personality. I was raised by my dad for most of my life not her.

I don't have postpartum depression infact I currently have no depression so no help needed. But thank you for your concern.

But you say you have suffered from depression and anxiety since 13 and no medication or therapy has helped.

No as much as I would love a huge family and loads of kids. My partner has made it clear 3 is his absolute maximum and I know having 5 kids would stretch me very think physicslly and emotionally. Whatever we decide 3 is going to be our end amount whether we had a girl or not.

I suffer with anxiety constantly yes. The depressipn comes and goes. I have my own coping mechanisms for handling the depressive episodes due to therapy and medication having no impact.

I haven't had a depressive episode in well over a year. I only had a short episode about 6 months post partum with my first.

So I am very attuned to when my mind is depressed which is how I know I am not suffering currently.

However the anxiety means I overthink everything and once its in my head I find it very hard to shift so whilst I am in absolute love with my beautiful baby boy. The GP questioning if we are going to have a third or get a vasectomy it has unfortunately put the thought in my head and it is very hard to shift until I make a decision. Hence the post.

I had a very small episode so I'll be honest I forgot about it in the previous thread. It was only when the health visitors at ds2 latest check up brought up the talking therapy I attempted that it reminded me.

Yes my partner again does suffer with depression (is medicated) less anxiety than me but still suffers.

Why did the GP mention the vasectomy? I’ve not known this before.

I am more trying to make a point to those who keep saying I must have post partum depression that I am very aware of what being depressed feels like and I am 100% not depressed currently.

Because I don't cope well on contraception. They asked if we would consider my parter having a vasectomy instead of me being on contraception. They were just trying to be helpful.

And you are very welcome to your opinion. Have a lovely day 😊

Just relieved that you’re not considering this for a few years

I an very glad you are relieved 😊

We all are!

they probably stopped at 2 and have no idea of the joy and fun they are missing out on!

Comments like this are so patronising and extremely annoying. I have one and don't feel like I am missing out at all. I could turn it around and say that you don't know how much you are missing out by not being so tied down with the responsibility of three children.

Women who choose to stop at one or two children have no wish to create more drudgery for themselves. They want a life for themselves and don't only feel defined by being a mother.

This comment is exactly the same as women who say to childfree women "you don't know what you are missing". They don't feel like they are missing anything.

But OP respectfully, it’s not healthy to have a newborn and be wishing for a different outcome.

I say this being the eldest child (girl) of a woman who wanted babies for years and miscarriaged. She wanted four boys, she eventually got two girls. My sister and I were always disappointments because we didn’t conform to what she wanted. She had a crap childhood and had in her mind the ‘perfect’ family with a white picket fence.

We didn’t have an awful time growing up; but we both knew we weren’t what she really wanted (much as she tried to hide it), and she was depressed and anxious all of our lives. She has been for counselling etc but decided it didn’t work also. We were smothered and both of us left home asap (before we were 20), and have had a distant relationship with our mother since.

Please do think about seeking some guidance and help to love the children you have. And if your partner isn’t stepping up, you need to think seriously about why this is. Good luck. 💐

I'm not sitting here wishing for a different outcome. I am thinking do I want to have third because I want a third or because I will like the chance for a girl.

The only reason for thinking about this now is because GP questioned it. I love both my boys more than anything and wouldn't ever want to change them!

My daughter has two friends who had this dilemma. The one with two boys had a third and it was another boy. The one with two girls had a third and it was another girl. She was so desperate that she had a fourth and again it was a girl. Only have another baby if you are truly happy with whatever sex they are. I am a third girl and my granny always disliked me. On being told I was a girl she said' Not another bloody girl!' It made me feel unwanted as a child and took me years to get over the feeling.