AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

See above reply. He had a rough start to ds1

He would love me to but he wont make me as he knows I dont want them in full time childcare.

your husband would love you to return to work and share the financial burden. And here you are considering a third and not working

I agree with this. Also, I would be more concerned about the fact that my partner is not ‘overly invested’ in my two small children to be honest. Now is not the time to be thinking of a third child.

You only posted how appalling he was and had been since birth… a couple of months ago. And now he’s done a complete 180 after two years of being utterly disengaged?

I value your opinion. However, I value time over money especially at the moment. Seeing my kids for 2-3 hours a day and never having time as a family just isn't something I am interested in. Especially starting at the bottom of the ladder and earning peanuts rather than being with my boys.

But your partner would also “love” you to return to work!!

Yep! The 7 weeks he has had off for paternity and them spending almost that whole time mainly the 2 of them was amazing for them both.

But now he’s back on nights, sleeping all day and working every weekend

That's not good enough. Your child is two. Why would you consider having a third child with him. Particularly because he wants you to work and you don't want to

This entirely.

So when he was on paternity leave… he engaged for the first time with his eldest son? Woo hoo

I had 2 boys and wanted a girl. However I didn’t want anymore kids because as much as I loved the boys so much I wouldn’t have wanted a third. I ended up falling pregnant out of the blue and it was a girl but I never would have planned to have a third

Of course he would. He would love more money. Who doesn't want more money? But equally he would soon change his mind when we never see eachother and I'm grumpy and resentful I hardly see the kids during the week, hes getting moaned at by work because he can't be flexible which is required for his contract and role (unless he never saw the kids), when he has to keep taking time off for the kids being sick, when he has to stay awake during the day to take kids to appointments and it affects his sleep apnea and health.

He may want me to work and earn a good wage as that was the plan when we had DS1. The reality of it isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

Plus when he sees all the extra costs to me getting a full time job.

You already have two close in age young kids, they need you if their dad is absent most of the time and not "over invested" when he is there.

I have the feeling you will be going ahead with no.3 whatever anyone here says, but do consider carefully whether you are prioritising what is best for your existing dc or your own needs.

Not for the first time just more deeply. They usually only have 1 day a week together (well the 3 of us) so he found it hard to build that bond as I was DS1 main person as I was with him 24/7.

Completely unbelievable. Why would someone even think of having another child with someone like this

100% not going to go ahead despite the replies on here. I am going to stick out with the contraception and give myself a few years to see what life is like before I decide.

Far too much going on here. You’ve got an eight week old and you’re yearning for another baby already. It sounds like you want a doll and not a girl. What happens if you have a third boy, a fourth baby?

It really does sound like the dynamic of your family is quite unhealthy

You do realise we can read your past threads don’t you? Where you outline how disengaged your partner is; how you say he would very much like you to return to work; where you say the pair of you have no money and just £20k equity.

And last I heard you were going to home school. Is that another plan?

Yes he is on nights as that is his job and the weekends are his contracted hours. But he is making the most of the day he has now and fully engaging with our son and he tries to get up in the evenings to have some time with him depending on when DS goes to bed.

It is all about you.

what about your partner who wants you to return to work?
what about your existing kids who you say would have a “very basic life” if you have a third

it is all about how you feel and what you want

Yes very aware. Hence I have said how much has changed with their relationship since his paternity leave!

Yeah this doesn't sound like a good environment to bring a third child into unfortunately. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5486941-dp-just-isnt-interested-in-ds

And as I said above there are lots of reasons why my partner may want me to return to work in principle. But the reality is very different.