AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

I did mention condoms. I have tried normal and latex free and both seem to cause me to burn inside and feel discomfort for days even if we use lubrication.

dh get the vasectomy
and you give your boys better then a “very basic life.”
are you still planning on home schooling?

why are you waiting, just go to the registry office ASAP I can’t believe anyone puts their financial well-being at risk like this.

If you can afford to have 3 without you working, it is a blessing! I am sure you will love him/her, boy or girl! I would, if I could.

Are you engaged?

I don't want him to get it until I am 100% sure. I don't want it to get 5 years down the line and he is earning more and we can afford another... I don't feel done yet.

We haven't decided on that yet. We have another year and a bit before we have to apply for DS1. If i'm not working I am very keen to homeschool but of course as you have clearly read my other thread my partner isnt keen on homeschooling.

Well apart from the fact that this is what the rest of us do - go to work in order to provide for our children, as well as our own job satisfaction - my point remains that you are not married and have no job. Unless you have a private income you haven't mentioned, you are in an extremely precarious situation. Honestly - honestly - what would you do if he left you tomorrow? How would you pay rent and bills? Spousal support is not a thing on his level of income so you'd be scraping it together on child support + UC. Is this the life you want?

I really think you would be better to stick at two, and perhaps have some counselling re the gender disappointment.

There’s no guarantee that the third or even the fourth would be a girl, and few people can afford 5+ children in terms of either time or money. Especially with a husband who doesn’t pull his weight as it is.

And think if how any subsequent boys would feel with you going on and on having more children until you get a girl. They’d feel like the booby prize as others have said.

but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently

That has got to be one of the saddest things a parent can say about their partner.

You are going to have to be both mum and dad to the two dc you have already. Do not underestimate how much work that will be to raise your two children to be well rounded adults.

Do you think it will be best for your existing children to spread yourself even more thinly in the hope for a baby of a sex that is not guaranteed.

Because it just isn't a priority for me. There are no assets besides the house which is jointly owned. Both pensions are tiny with low contributions.

Yeah we are engaged.

The pair of you have zero savings? Are you saving for the children at all? Do you live month by month?

I would see how you feel when your hormones are settled. The whole first 18 months of my 2nd DD’s life I wanted a third despite awful pregnancies then all of a sudden I wasn’t breastfeeding anymore and hormones were back to normal and I absolutely don’t want a third now. Life gets so much easier as they grow.

So because its what the rest of you do then I should too? I am able to be at home with my boys. Why would I trade that precious time for a job I have no interest in? To have to put my kids in childcare and never have time as a family due to our different working days?

Yes if he left I would have to get a job but if I don't have to have one currently why would I when I can be with my kids?

You are being pretty unreasonable, but when it comes to this sort of thing reason doesn't have much to do with it. We feel what we feel.

Most of the people I know with 3 children have 2 older boys. I don’t think you’re unusual in wanting a girl but having a third baby in the hope of a girl is a high risk strategy that will be to the financial detriment of your existing children. For what it’s worth there seems to be a lot less drama with boys - especially at the teenage stage, so if you want a peaceful life I’d be inclined to stop at 2. Speaking as the mother of 2 girls….!

He loves them dearly and him and DS1 are starting to develop a very good relationship thanks to his long paternity leave with DS2.

They don't get a lot of time together but it is improving.

I stayed at home until first year of secondary. But we had a heck of a lot more assets than just £20k equity in as property and aside from that - no savings and a peanut pension. Oh, and I was married.

No savings. I save the boys child benefit each month for them. We have a small amount left at the end of the month which I use for my days out with the boys.

Starting? Your oldest child is two

You want to have more children with a man who is "not overly invested" in his own kids? And he's not a natural dad? That is absolutely not a good dad. They deserve better.
He has a 2 year old, if he's still learning how to be a dad, he's going a terrible job.

If you had two teenage boys you'd probably say that girls were easier.

My partner only had 1 week paternity with DS1. He then got depressed and later discovered he had sleep apnea and only really sees him properly once a week. It was a rough start to his parenting journey which already didn't come naturally to him. The 7 weeks he had off for DS2 paternity seems to have hugely improved things for their relationship.

Ok, perhaps I phrased that poorly. I don't mean that life is crap for us so it has to be for you! I meant that it is normal to work, to plan for a family, to work to save/provide for your children, their future, your future, pensions etc. It's not a bad thing! While some people want to stay at home with their kids (I didn't, although it's a valid choice for the early years) it's also very positive to have a career for yourself, to build your confidence and achievements. To be someone in your own right. More to the point, you don't have the security of marriage, nor savings, nor a high earning partner, nor pensions, and you'd like a third child. To me that equals getting a job!

I think you have an idea of the perfect family that you’ve held since childhood of boys and girls. Sadly I don’t think you’re going to get that. You may only have boys. Whether or not you have a 3rd or ever a daughter, I would be more concerned with the fiancé possibly not being as invested in having more children (and the ones you currently have) as you. Also that you don’t spend any time together as a family is a major concern.