Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

I think it’s a bit of both, he doesn’t want the awkwardness of sitting there with the ex but also he doesn’t hold him in high regard and although ds is happy to forgive and move on Dh isn’t willing to shake hands and forget that he has been there in his absence and then after hearing all his excuses he’ll probably say how proud he is of the son he put no effort into raising.

agree. And why he doesn't want his son to visit HIM, at HIS house!

Surprised so many people are siding against the DH, even suggesting he go out and leave the home he pays for! How incredibly cheeky!

The DS is 20. Why would his dad even need to come round? What are they going to do, hang around in his bedroom and play on his playstation?

If he pops round to pick up DS by all means don't go OTT and refuse to let him over the threshold.But presumably you don't want your ex there, DH doesn't want him there, so it would just be weird and inappropriate for the two adults who actually pay the rent/mortgage to have to hide in your bedroom or the kitchen while deadbeat dad chills out in your living room!

Your son is an adult, he needs to find somewhere neutral for his sake and your husbands. The less pressure on this meeting the better

I let him visit for DS. He’s had a lot of disappointment with his Father’s lack of interest.
His Dad is a complete waster as a Father. He obviously has thick skin.
I can understand why your DH doesn’t want this pond scum in his home, I’d do it for DS.

Honestly, I think that your son should meet his father nearby. They can pass your house etc. I am sure his "dead-beat" father does not particularly want to see his sons bedroom or the kitchen. He does not need to come in.

"the boy" is 20, not 2. He's an adult man not a helpless child. He can meet his dad at mcdonalds, or his dad's OWN HOUSE, or indeed, suggest they "skip off to play golf" together. Or rent his own place and invite whomever he wants to visit him.

"Show his dad his life" ffs. He's not 4 showing off his collection of power rangers. "Look dad, this is the bed where I lost my virginity." "This is the toilet I use," "This is my stepdad, the man who has actually brought me up, glaring at you..."

Not for me, the son is an adult too, there is no reason he should need to bring his dad to his house instead of meeting him elsewhere.

Tbh it's pretty weird that the dad even wants to come over - wouldn't most offer to take him out for food or to an event or something? Not many would expect to just waltz into an ex's house, especially after all these years and when they know it's also the home of the ex's partner.

Once you're an adult surely your wishes and needs should be considered alongside everyone else's, not always above them just because you are 'the child'.

Most likely he's fell for some crap his 'Dad' said, who wouldn't be vulnerable to that when your own Mother makes excuses for how lazy he's been

If my young adults were arranging to see their estranged dad after years it would definitely be somewhere neutral and not in our home.

At 20 years old your son should realise inviting his father to the family home is unreasonable. I don't agree that your husband should suck it up. Tell your son to meet his father elsewhere.

Unless this is the son’s sly way of saying “look at how well she / we did without you, mate,” I can’t see any reason why a 20 year old needs his dad to see his room. I’m not sure mine saw some of my digs at uni and we were quite close!

I think no one assumed wrong here but really your husband gets to decide who he wants in his own home. Presumably it's your husband's home anyway and your son isn't paying the mortgage.

I would likely let it happen for the sake of a peaceful life, but I can very much appreciate his point of view here - why should he tidy up for a deadbeat? They can meet anywhere else they choose but he has decided it's not in his own home and that's fair enough.

Has your DH been involved in your DS’ life for a long time as a father figure?

If so, I think it’s (unwittingly) disrespectful to invite his deadbeat dad to his house straightaway.

This

What happens down the line if the relationship with DS and his Dad doesn't work out, will you say, 'I told you so', will DS even tell you since he'll likely know you'll probably be pleased?

Seriously, having been through it, I know he needs support, My Mum and Dad were amazing, and they are the ones who will always be Mum and Dad because of their unwavering support even if it was difficult for them.
They knew I needed to explore the biological relationship, as does your DS.

My bio dad got in touch when I was 40 and my parents were very supportive but one of the many reasons I didn’t want to know was that I felt it was disrespectful to them.

Also he was a total cunt.

Well he's the child in this scenario and the one navigating his first forays back into a relationship which will no doubt be a very sensitive one. As the mother of a child with an absent father, I know what I would do regardless of my feelings about said father. I'm very happy and confident with that position, but we're all different.

It's really difficult and can see both points of view. But I think it may be best for them to meet outside the house, neutral ground, the first time as it's going to be quite strange for them both. Your son may find it a bit full on? Unless of course, he wants you and his step dad to be around for reassurance? He could be feeling quite unsure.

I think your husband is being an arse, centring himself in a scenario that has precious little to do with him. “Uncomfortable”
There is no legitimate reason for him to feel threatened by your son’s father, and every reason to support your son by going out for a few hours if he can’t cope with being around during the visit. This is territorial bullshit and I don’t think you should entertain it.

Why do you think your sons Dad wants to suddenly see him at your family home now? Seems strange if that hasn't happened in 20 yrs tbh.

If my ex rocked up when DS is an adult, after seeing him a handful of times, I wouldn't let him in my house regardless of how DS felt and regardless if I was in a relationship or not.

Yes, absolutely. If the OP has no issue with it, then her DH needs to get over being territorial.

The ex could have the son at his house with his wife and kids but instead seems to have invited himself to OP and her DH house.

If Op and her DH are sat their glaring at the ex hardly going to a great atmosphere.

I would have thought somewhere netural would have been best for everyone - a quick pint or coffee nearby and DS can leave when he wants not have to get his Dad out of the house.

And of course that's fine, but the DS here doesn't feel like that.