Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

He said more than that, you clearly didn't read OP's subsequent post where he said

"so I told Dh and he equally as matter of fact said “well he’s not coming here".

Not wanting a say doesn't matter, it's the fact he laid down what wasn't happening. He didn't even give her a chance. Or the son a chance.

If this were about anything else, we'd all be calling the H controlling.

And everyone on this thread knows it.

Just because the son's dad is a deadbeat does not justify a husband being controlling. I genuinely think people are caught up on the deadbeat dad and are being very tunnel-visioned in their responses.

And with that I have to leave the discussion for now at least, I have a terrible headache and I just know I can feel a migraine coming on, two nurofens haven't done anything so far.

Oh, I did. You clearly didn't read the one where OP says "I don’t personally have any strong opinions either way".

Irrelevant. She should still have had the option to speak before he shut her down. As I said, Not wanting a say doesn't matter, it's the fact he laid down what wasn't happening. He didn't even give her a chance. Or the son a chance.

Bizarre

Because he knew what the waste of space sperm
doner has said had said about him and the others that raised his son!!

🤦‍♀️

He should rise above it and not be spiteful and take out his hurt and spite on the son.

Especially when as someone already pointed out, it was the son who had the first say of all and unilaterally laid down what was happening.

It’s not his son……

Or had you forgotten that?

How’s the headache?

As pointed out, we don't even know that the son actually invited him to the actual house.

I know, I don’t think I’ve read anything so utterly ridiculous on MN!

You’re the errant father, you’ve got to be!!

Which is why I said the son. Meaning his wife's son and bio father's son.

Well you clearly missed the one where OP described in detail how bio dad thoroughly disrespected DH and his family - you know, the ones who actually did the work bringing DS up. Or do you think it’s fine for this dead beat to suggest to his son that the only family he’s ever known are not ‘real’ family because they’re not blood related ? This man is little more than a sperm donor who has ducked out of the hard work of bringing up his own son, favouring his own ‘new’ family to the point where he has kept DS totally separate from them. Why on earth you think OP and her DH should open up their home to him is beyond me.

No-one is suggesting DS shouldn’t have a relationship with his bio dad if that’s what he wants, but there isn’t a single good reason for forcing the man who is actually to all intents and purposes his father, to choose between watching this cosy reunion taking place in his own home regardless of his own feelings, or as some posters are suggesting, going out for the day and leaving this man with the run of his home in his absence. DS is a grown man - there are plenty of alternatives to bio dad coming to their home.

Wow. You've already had one attack deleted. Are you the OP's controlling H? I could make that claim if I were so inclined, since you seem so personally invested in defending a man who's bruised ego is punishing his wife's son.

Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here

You don’t think that indicates an invite?

A son that he’s raised?

I have already referenced the bio dad's comments before.

My point is, I still don;t't believe it is justification for the H to take out his hurt and bruised ego on his wife's child. He should rise above it and put the needs of the kid first. He is punishing the kid just because he feels insulted.

👏 👏

And what else would provoke the DH to say "he's not coming here..."?

And that gives him the right to force his will on the kid? He is not the biological father. And if the kid wants to see his bio father (regardless of how deadbeat he is), he shouldn't stand in the way. He is forcing his will because his nose is out of joint from being disrespected. He should just put the kid's feelings above his own hurt.

It’s not his wife’s child, it’s his step son, that he raised as his own, as have his family.

Ths person who has seen this man 12 tones in his life is a sperm donor, nothing more!

Yes we do. OP clearly said it. He announced that his dad was coming to visit. If the suggestion wasn’t that he come to the house, then what’s all the fuss about ?

So the bio father has the right to force his will on the “kid”

He’s not standing in his way, he’s saying he is not welcome into the family home, because he’s not part of the family.

He is just a sperm donor.

Sure, true.

But it's what the kid wants. Not what he wants. He needs to step back and put the SS's wishes first. It's a bummer for the H, but it is what it is. He needs to step back and put the boy's wishes first. It's not all about the H. It's about the boy and what he wants. Nobody else.