Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

This is your son’s house too. He is excited to build a relationship with his bio father.
Understandable. I think your husband should step back a bit to allow this on one occasion. He can go out for an hour.
if he does not let you son show his father his home it will likely cause some deep resentment and a possible rift.
has your husband been a good step father? Do you think he might feel a bit hurt that your son is so drawn to his bio dad who clearly hasn’t been a hands on father?

No-one is stopping DS from forming a relationship with his dad. There is no good reason why OP and her DH should open up their home to him if it makes either of them uncomfortable. DS is a grown man - old enough to make suitable alternatives. It’s been pointed out to you several times now that bio dad has been disrespectful to DH and his family before he’s even breached the threshold of their home. Are you seriously suggesting they should welcome this shit stirrer into their home so he can cause more disruption ?

He is not forcing his will, the boy wants him there.

It's the step dad (who if a few years ago the mother died, would have no legal right to even see his step son!) who is forcing his will on the SS. The step son's wishes come first, a bruised ego of the step dad comes last. And as a I said, you talk about not part of the family, unless the H adopted the boy, he isn't, either. If the mother died, the H would have no legal claim to the boy at all.

Only the 'sperm donor' would. Funny that.

He’s not a kid…. He’s 20 a man!

As I said, H should rise above it. Step parents get insulted by bio parents all the time. Most are mature and selfless enough to rise above it, as I have said to you and others many times before already in this thread. Ok so the bio dad insulted him, so what. Grow up! (to H, not to you). It's not about him, it's about the step son.

The step sons wish is to meet his sperm
donor, that doesn’t need to happen in the family home…. Next it will be, he wants to come to Christmas lunch and I want him to.

No it isn’t the son’s house at all. It’s his mum and step Dad’s house. They pay the mortgage/rent and bills and they have provided him with a home in which the man who abandoned him until he reached adulthood has no place. He can build a relationship with his dad without having him in their home. Why do you think bio dad has never invited his son to his own home ?

Summed up perfectly

I don't think either of them would have any legal claim to a grown adult man.

Absolute piffle.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

"who if a few years ago"

Exactly this. It’s also not clear whether DH has actually adopted him, in which case it’s moot.

Why do you think bio dad has never invited his son to his own home ? Could it be that he’s not welcome because bio dad wants to keep him separate from his other family, or that his new wife objects ? If the latter why is that considered reasonable, but DH is in the wrong for wanting essentially the same respect ?

And promptly deleted. Anyone like to hazard a guess as to who reported ?

I did notice it got deleted like lighting.

Wonder why……

Well done you👏

I think as your son is 20 it’s entirely reasonable for him to meet his biological father outside the home. A few other things to consider, why did you split from his dad in the first place? If it was due to his behavior then you are entitled not to have him in the house if you don’t want to. Secondly, how long has your husband been in your son’s life? It sounds like quite a long time and it sounds like he may have done the bulk of the actual fathering. If the bio dad is a bit of a deadbeat (and frankly it sounds like it because there is no excuse for his appalling disregard of his son) and you husband has been a decent stepdad then I would give his feelings the priority here as your son will have left home in a few years anyway. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if a dead beat parent suddenly decide they wanted to play happy families in your home when you have been the one dealing with the long slog of parenting in their absence.
i had this situation and I put my partner first and explained to son that dad was welcome to knock for him but visits should be outside the house (son was over 18 by this point). Sons dad was a total prick, tight with money and basically wanted to have an excuse not to spend money and also to try and demonstrate to my partner that he could get his own way if he chose to (coercive controller type). What I also realised was that by the time son was 20 he basically wanted someone to go out drinking with so he could avoid his new wife and child. I let this play out, kept quiet now 10 or so years on my son has a pretty detached relationship with his father as he has come to his own conclusions (ironically thinks his dad is a complete waste of space as of course the second family didn’t last long either), so he only sees his dad when his half sibling is there.
unless the narrative here is that you and ex split amicably and remained friendly and had good custody contacts and current husband is a bit of a jealous controlling type, I would give precedence to your husbands feelings as a step father.

The poster is no more invested in defending DH than you are in defending a shit stirring sperm donor who is clearly only now interested in his son because he’s an adult and he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for him. The hard work has all been done by someone else. I wonder who that could be 🤔. Sperm donor is taking the easy road as he clearly always has done - meeting his son at his home doesn’t involve effort or expense. Not even the price of a decent cup of coffee. The fact that it’s also causing so much upset is just an added bonus.

The voice of reason.

Sorry, wasn’t me.

My first thought was that OP and her DH should facilitate her son meeting up with his father but her updates have changed my mind. The ex has been happy to blame everyone but himself for not maintaining a relationship with his son and the boy has repeated his comments. I wouldn't want to welcome someone into my home who has been disrespectful of the contributions I (and my family) made to raising their child. DS can meet his father elsewhere and keep his father's opinions to himself. He should politely ask his mother and stepfather if he wants to invite guests to their home.

This

That’s a fair comment but if that is what’s behind this it still doesn’t have to be in the home and can be on neutral ground. This man is a virtual stranger by the sounds of things. None of us have to let virtual strangers in to our home. Mum and step dad can demonstrate cast iron support by doing something similar to what was suggested at the beginning of the thread.