Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

Being told the house he lives in his mum’s and stepdad’s home.

But it is his mum and stepdad’s home. That is a fact. The son isn’t on the deeds and he doesn’t pay the mortgage.

What home does he have?

If you don’t have your own home as a young adult yet, then you live with your parents. Is anyone really under the delusion that their parent’s home is also theirs?

If you can’t decorate the lounge to your taste, or sell the house, it doesn’t belong to you. It’s that simple.

There is nothing upsetting or traumatising about this. It is a universal and normal part of life and growing up.

@Vivi0 that would be what normally happens when you already have a good relationship with both parents and can spend time at both houses. But it would appear that the dad hasn’t visited his son in 20 years and in fact had rarely seen him. In that instance I can understand the son wanting to show his dad his home, same way you would show your parents your uni halls. The dad will have very little knowledge of the son’s life over the last 20 years and so the son wants to show his dad his life which includes his home

I’m on your DH side on this. He has raised this child financially suppressed him. His parents provided childcare for a grandchild not biologically theirs. They became family! And your ex has said they are not family? No I’d not be accepting that. It’s incredibly hurtful for your husband. He has no right to block a relationship with your ex and ds but that’s not what is happening here he’s saying meet outside the house. That’s completely reasonable!

it would be completely different if ex had been an active parent and you got on well with him and also wanted him to visit the house. I have two different fathers for my kids, the first is a terrible person and I’d never let him in my house he hasn’t earnt that by how he parents. The second even though he’s no longer my partner fully participates in raising his child and the step children he took on the father role for. If I ever had a new partner saying my youngsters dad couldn’t come in the house that I would push back on- but it wouldn’t happen because ex would have been in and out of the house from the start of any new relationship I got into.

the fact your son is in his 20s before this issue came up says it all. Ex should not be put over your current husband not for an adult child spouting this shit from his absent father

The majority of parents haven’t seen their children’s home with their other parent.

Why is this situation such an exception that he just needs to show his dad where he lives?

He doesn’t.

If he ever moves into uni halls - he is free to show his dad around them.

@Vivi0 if you have involved parent they will know about your life, will have heard about your house, things you do there, have in it along with other aspects of your life, school, friends, clubs, favourite football team . This dad won’t have any if that so son wants to share what he can including his home

This dad won’t have any if that so son wants to share what he can including his home.

This dad doesn’t have any of that information because he has chosen to be absent from his son’s life for 20 years (whilst starting a brand new family).

The son can do what ever other child in a split family does - tell his father about his life. The deadbeat dad isn’t entitled to a tour of the other parent and step parent’s house because he couldn’t be arsed with his eldest son for 20 years.

Ive been waiting for someone in this position to bring some balance to the replies. Exactly as any reasonable person would expect. You would let the father who has been a consistent in the childs life continue and visit the house. You wouldnt let the deadbeat in because he has no right.

Thanks for your post

I'm adopted and I agree with you 100% @Tessasanderson

@sittingonabeach

No, it's not at all comparative. Our biological parent(s) either willingly gave us up to give us a better life or we were taken from them because they were not equipped to parent. They did not simply turn around and walk away. And we were a joyous gift to our parents, something that they probably never thought they'd have, a child.

Given this, it's not surprising that many (but not all) adoptive parents either have no problem with their child(ren) seeking out their biological parents or bury any hurt and support the decision. BUT, I have a feeling that if our bio parent(s) had told us that our real parents (and you know who I mean by that!) were not our family and that they, our bio family, were our 'only' family I have a feeling that our parents would react as OP's DH did. And rightly so.

And again, I am an adopted child. At 18 my parents told me they'd support and assist me in finding my bio parent(s). I never took them up on it, never felt the desire. But recently, Mum and Dad having died years ago, I got curious and did the 'DNA thing' and located some half siblings. After hearing about their lives I thank God on bended knee that I was given up for adoption. I have nothing but a deep gratitude to my bio mother (long dead) for her decision.

We don’t know how the DS reacted to that comment that his dad made. And if dad does visit the home it will be pretty obvious what impact the DH has had on the son’s life.

@AcrossthePond55 but cannot you see that this son could have similar trauma to an adopted child. One parent has pretty much given him up and made a nice new shiny family which he is not part of. As far as we aware he is not rejecting DH’s part in his life (again OP hasn’t said anything about that).

If OP hasn’t seen dad for over 20 years (for all we know they didn’t really have a relationship) the son might not really see him as an ex of mum, just his dad. So not really picking up why it could be awkward. He just wants to show his dad his home. He may not realise the dad may have an ulterior motive.

And in respect of the dad’s comment, how many threads on MN do we see posters with a similar attitude especially in respect of step grandparents saying they are not family. If a stepdad is on the scene and dad is around even if only on the end of the phone, then stepdad isn’t dad. Again we don’t know how the son views DH and his parents

Also many of us are thinking about this deeply either on the side of the DH or on the side of the son, of course it could just be the 20yo didn't think at all! I have a 20yo he can surprise me sometime on what he has thought about and other times what he hasn't 😂

I don’t think l’ve ever seen such a comprehensive list of excuses trying to exonerate a deadbeat dad and a tone deaf, thoughtless twenty year old disrespecting the man who stepped into a parental role and provided for him while Disney dad had other priorities. Why on earth should DH be forced to welcome him into his home against his wishes, or even worse, as some posters have suggested, make himself scarce while he visits ?

Absolutely this. I cannot believe so many posters are supporting a man who up to this point has shown little interest in his son’s life, and has never involved him with his own ‘new family’. If l were OP I’d be asking myself what’s changed - especially as ex is now feeding his son utter crap about the only family he’s ever known not being ‘real’ family because they’re not blood related. Not only is that unconscionable, and disrespectful to both DH and his parents who have stepped in and acted as grandparents, it’s also massively hypocritical considering it was his own lack of character that brought about the situation.

No one is supporting the dad. Some people are supporting the son and how he can navigate the relationship with his dad. Because like it or not the son has his genes and that can be important. Doesn't matter how amazing the step dad and his side of the family have been. The son may want to share details of his life that the dad has missed

That is why adopted children are now able to trace their birth parents, have details of their birth parents. To give them that right to build a relationship with them if that is what they want. Why sperm and egg donors can no longer be anonymous (in England anyway).

I’m with your DH. There is no reason for him to come to your house.

Wow. Amazing words

The difference is that DH is a step parent. This is MN. Step parents are always wrong. Even when they’re right.

There are many posters supporting the dad - many simply because he’s the bio dad and MN hates step parents. And to my knowledge, no-one on the thread has said that DS shouldn’t pursue a relationship with his bio dad if that’s what he wants - only that the meeting shouldn’t take place at home if his step dad objects.

You seem to have completely skipped over the fact that before this dead beat ‘dad’ has even set foot in their home, he’s slagging off DH and his family to DS and claiming they’re not ‘real’ family because they’re not blood related. Well family is as family does, and real family unite - they don’t sow division.

This is not remotely the same thing as an adopted child tracing and reconnecting with their birth parents. It’s about an emotionally immature twenty year old massively disrespecting the man who stepped in and helped raise him, by insisting that the bio dad be welcomed into his home with open arms, despite having proved beyond a doubt that his intentions are less than honourable and that he is a hypocrite of the highest order.

The only real reason I support the dad is because I think it is wrong of OP's husband to dictate who her son has in his and his mum's own home. He has no right to do that. He doesn't have to be there for the meeting if it upsets him that much. But if it's the wish of his wife's son, he should respect that. It won't harm him to go out and do his own thing for a few hours, surely.

Why does he not have the right ? If he’s one half of the couple paying the mortgage/rent, works full time and has stepped in to help provide a home for DS when his own father effectively abandoned him, then he has as much right to a say as to who comes into that home as anyone else. No one is denying DS the opportunity to form a relationship with his bio dad but there is no earthly reason why this meeting has to take place in their home.

Bio dad hasn’t even set foot over the threshold and he’s already sowing seeds of discontent with DS by suggesting that DH and his family don’t matter because they’re not ‘blood’ as he is. Considering bio dad directly created the situation by walking away from his son until it suited him, l think it’s not only CF behaviour, but massively hypocritical. If l were OP I’d be asking what’s changed and why the sudden interest in their home.

why are you being so pedantic? What exactly are you interpreting 'show him where he lives' if not including his bedroom? How much of his son's life and interests is he going to glean from examining the downstairs loo?

There's no reason why he can't see the house from the outside when picking up/dropping off the DS - what else does he need to do?

And if you're not envisioning them going to the bedroom, but "spending time together" elsewhere in the house that's even more of an imposition on OP and her DH, who, what have to hide upstairs in their bedroom while deadbeat!dad sprawls on the sofa in their living room? I'm not sure how much of a doormat you'd have to be to think that's normal!

I think it is wrong of OP's husband to dictate who her son has in his and his mum's own home.

Is it not also the OP’ husband’s home?

Or just the son and his mum’s?

Ex DS father has no time or inclination to be involved in DS life

DS is now an adult and ex decides now he has time for an easy step in relationship. On his terms. In his time.

DS of course, and naturally, doesn't see it this way - he's probably ecstatic that his father finally wants a relationship with him

DH and family have been DS 'family' for all intents and purposes. Rather than be grateful, ex badmouths them to DS (absolutely outrageous and this alone woule mean ex would NEVER be welcomed into my home)

DH, rightly so IMO , is not comfortable with the proposed ex, who's dismissed DH's support and love and father role, and bad mouthed him to DS, visiting HIS home

Honestly, I don't see how it's even a question. DS is 20, not 12. He's old enough to realise why this would not be OK and why it would be unfair to EVERYONE for ex to visit your home.

Absolutely not. If it needs spelling out so DS, then spell it out.

It is his home as well, so he has every right to an opinion as to who visits.

He said no, before even consulting with his wife, let alone his wife's son.

That shows that he is a dictator who is used to making unilateral decisions without even so much as consulting his wife, who also owns that house too.

Regardless of how presumptive (and it does with the latest dripfeed from OP sound like he is) the dad is, the fact that the OP's husband made a unilateral demand shows he wears the pants and makes the decisions in that house. No one else gets a look-in. Which makes him a selfish dictator imo, even regardless of what the dad is like.

That is my issue.

An opinion, yes, but he has no right to make a unilateral decision without even consulting his WIFE, who also owns the house. He's a dictator and clearly wears the pants in that house, and runs roughshod over his own wife.